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zoolane
10-07-2010, 12:58 PM
Young Love

The girl has a wicked smile, with captivated face and body to died for.
Every boy in school. Fancies panties of her. All girls were amazing now manage to be perfect very day and even went they have P.E.

One boy was determined to get know her. He had bet with best friend for five pounds that he could get date or kiss from her. The boy name was Kevin, by no mean was he one geek crew but he is semi popular.
Kevin is 5ft, with dark brown hair, skinny build and emerald eyes. The girl name is Orhid, she is 6ft, slender frame, long dryer bright red hair and sky blue eyes. Orhid has adapt the school uniform to own unique way. Very item include blaze is fitted to hug her fabulous body. Kevin on other is general in the correct uniform all time, and with spike hair.


Summer has arrived, school playground is divide into section. Top is were geeks, computers freaks and nerds hangs -out and down bottom is were semi -popular, fashionable kids and smokers hang-out. Behind is field with small wild garden and had bench here to.


Kevin gather all he courage and with hes mate egged him on. He stride over to the wild garden and with confidence smile. He sitting down next Orhid, she is reading 'Romeo and Juliet' and does notice that Kevin here.


Kevin and Orhid seem hit off, where to point they meet very lunchtime for month and Kevin won hes bet with hes friends'.
They had see each other property now for few months. Kevin notice Orhid starting act bit weird, and he keeping quiet for a few weeks.

Kevin receive a email well more of a invitation to romantic meal at Orhid's house on Saturday prompt at 7pm.
Kevin wrote reply back says'' he would be delight to accept what about her parents''. Orhid saw him at school on Friday and said'' that her parents are out of town for weekend''.

Saturday night was here, Kevin in hes best black jeans, light purple shirt and shoes. As he walking slow up the her drive way, and whisper to himself that is night that hes finally loses virginity. Kevin push the doorbell which had funny tune to it.
Orhid open the door, in satin, off shoulder number and aubergine short number. It show her slim figure in all right place.

Now Kevin is sitting that Oak dining table, with red candles, light down low and romantic music play. Waiting for Orhid to serve the meal.
With their meal, they had red wine.

After Orhid suggest that Kevin wait in her room. Her room is magenta everywhere, minus her laptop which is lime. Few minutes had past, and Kevin is nervous so decide going on her laptop. Flick on the screen.
Kevin is stunned what see. Orhid's screen showed that she is into suicide pact website. Then she come in and see that Kevin found her favourite pastime.

She lays on the bed , and beckon Kevin to join her.
Orhid said to him '' I hope you don't remind that laces the wine as well the food''.
They both gentle hold each, and drift way.

Did Kevin know about what Orhid was plan?

hillwalker
10-07-2010, 02:06 PM
What a twist of an ending.....


Orhid said to him ''hope you don't remind that laces the wine as well the food''.

... which I think is meant to read "I hope you don't mind that I laced the wine as well as the food."

It's a great plot, except I found the dialogue in the middle where Orhid and Kevin are sat together on the bench a little bit hard to swallow.

For such an attractive, popular girl who presumably has had her share of admirers it's hard to believe she would give in as easily to his 'charms' after such a cheesy introduction.

In my experience (back in them good old days) she would be more likely to say 'push off' ('m being ultra-polite on here) than 'nice to meet you.'

But, there's the makings of a real psychological thriller here. Interesting!

H

zoolane
10-07-2010, 02:09 PM
What a twist of an ending.....



... which I think is meant to read "I hope you don't mind that I laced the wine as well as the food."

It's a great plot, except I found the dialogue in the middle where Orhid and Kevin are sat together on the bench a little bit hard to swallow.

For such an attractive, popular girl who presumably has had her share of admirers it's hard to believe she would give in as easily to his 'charms' after such a cheesy introduction.

In my experience (back in them good old days) she would be more likely to say 'push off' ('m being ultra-polite on here) than 'nice to meet you.'

But, there's the makings of a real psychological thriller here. Interesting!

H

Hmm I hope not challenage being set by you.

hillwalker
10-07-2010, 02:41 PM
Wot? Me?

Never..... but the dialogue sticks out as the story's weak point.

If you're unsure about how to come up with realistic dialogue watch some current teen-TV that includes schoolchildren interacting ('Waterloo Road' for example) to get some ideas.

Or you could skip the dialogue completely and just tell us that they started seeing each other - reading 'Romeo and Juliet' together for the school play perhaps???

H

zoolane
10-07-2010, 03:02 PM
Wot? Me?

Never..... but the dialogue sticks out as the story's weak point.

If you're unsure about how to come up with realistic dialogue watch some current teen-TV that includes schoolchildren interacting ('Waterloo Road' for example) to get some ideas.

Or you could skip the dialogue completely and just tell us that they started seeing each other - reading 'Romeo and Juliet' together for the school play perhaps???

H


Yes you lol. I have remove dialog for moment until I try worked out way were there dialog in here.

chimney_swift
10-08-2010, 06:07 AM
this is a good story, i enjoyed it. thanks.