Fruitcheese

[Delta40]

Swiss cheese mind eats through
non compos mentis waste'

She slips out of focus
and crumbles like Greek feta.

Hand in mouth
to muffle her snorts.

She shrivels up like a prune
and fades to jaundiced lemon.

Her rocking chair creaks
to her fitful thoughts.

A feeble bough
fraught with gauzy notions.

[PrinceMyshkin]

A wonderful piece of whimsy - or madness - or something somewhere between the two of these. I salute (and envy) you for allowing your mind the freedom to go bananas (yes!) like this - although, I confess, I'd have a hard time writing the script for a movie to be made of it!

[Delta40]

I was trying to portray dementia but upon reading it in the early hours of this morning, perhaps I failed to achieve this

[Haunted]

Not sure but I'm seeing someone with dementia or Alzheimer's... as your choice of words goes from funny (bananas, pig grunts) to a feeling of foreboding (shrivel, feeble). The fruit imageries bring a wide range of moods.

[Haunted]

wow I didn't see your post before I submitted mine, for once I'm on the right track. You didn't fail! That's exactly what I read in it.

[Delta40]

Well that's a relief! What would you suggest I do to improve it?

[Silas Thorne]

Wild! Like the leaps between the food and the colours which come with the images. I did feel there was an elderly person drifting into dementia into it, but not sure if a pig stuffed with an apple is something I immediately associate with an aged person. Hey, sprinkle some commas and fullstops into it and shake them, space a few lines out to pace things. We don't know where your breath stops and starts. Of course you've used capitals to start lines, but no stops?
'muffle' should be 'muffles' I think.
Maybe not 'goes bananas' though. There must be a better way. Upward and onward!

[hillwalker]

I got a bit sidetracked by the amount of food imagery - so I thought it was intended purely as humour with not much in the way of underlying substance.

the phrase 'sprinkled parmesan' is distracting, because a 'Swiss cheese mind' suggests a mind filled with holes but then we are made to question that image

similarly, crumbling like 'Greek feta' brings us back to cheeses which made me think I was on completely the wrong wavelength.

So how to improve it? it probably would benefit from a slight trim here and there so there's a closer link between the more identifiable pieces of imagery, and less distraction from the rest.

I liked the apple in the pig's mouth part - and from there on the poem does paint a very disturbing picture of helpless senility.

H

[Delta40]

Is that better?

[Delta40]

I got a bit sidetracked by the amount of food imagery - so I thought it was intended purely as humour with not much in the way of underlying substance.

the phrase 'sprinkled parmesan' is distracting, because a 'Swiss cheese mind' suggests a mind filled with holes but then we are made to question that image

similarly, crumbling like 'Greek feta' brings us back to cheeses which made me think I was on completely the wrong wavelength.

So how to improve it? it probably would benefit from a slight trim here and there so there's a closer link between the more identifiable pieces of imagery, and less distraction from the rest.

I liked the apple in the pig's mouth part - and from there on the poem does paint a very disturbing picture of helpless senility.

H

I just dumped the apple in the mouth part!

[hillwalker]

No prob - at least there is a progression from Swiss cheese to parmesan to Greek feta that I don't recall being so clear in the earlier version..... which now makes more sense.

[Delta40]

took out the parmesan. two cheeses are enough for anyone.

[Haunted]

Cheese works for me as a metaphor for the fermentation of the mind, a breakdown of brain matter.

[Delta40]

I put in parmesan originally because of its strong smell and you're right about the fermentation metaphor (you silly old cheese)

[Hawkman]

Sorry Delta, but I liked the flow of the original version better... However, by splitting the lines like this the fragmentation of the thoughts becomes more material to the poems underlying theme. Inventive piece.

Best, H

[Delta40]

ah well. you can please some of the people some of the time....thanks for your feedback everyone.

[Jerrybaldy]

I loved it too. Things are sure different here post shecky. My own thoughts are things have improved but in some ways its swung from too far North to too far south ( or the other way depending on your metaphorical preference) and maybe in time we will be due West or East. It is a great bit of writing though Delta. Truely.
JerryB

[Haunted]

This silly old cheese (as Delta calls me) can sure use some rehab post era. I'll check myself into the same ward as Delta's dementia patient. I'll even try to memorize the poem with my swiss cheese memory if Delta ever stops making changes to it.

[Delta40]

This silly old cheese (as Delta calls me) can sure use some rehab post era. I'll check myself into the same ward as Delta's dementia patient. I'll even try to memorize the poem with my swiss cheese memory if Delta ever stops making changes to it.


that's the nature of dementia....nothing makes sense

[hillwalker]

Jktzc Hte pkbsk

[Delta40]

lol. you misspelled pkbsk