I wrote a poem last night when sleeping

[angliholic]

I wrote a poem last night when sleeping,
but I forgot what it was when I woke up this morning!

I can only vaguely recall:
I let April stay along with you in my fantansy world.

We took off our empty shells like our clothes,
let our spirits soar high among the stars,
and flew to a fairy planet
where souls never feel hungry,
never kill in order to live,
and never grow old,
for they don't have a body full of desires.

[hillwalker]

I wrote a poem last night when sleeping,
but I forgot what it was when I woke up this morning!
I can only vaguely recall:

I kept April stay along with you in my fantancy world.


The idea of a dreamed poem is I am sure one we have all had, and it often seems less wonderful on waking and trying to scribble it down on paper.

The opening of this troubled me. The first line (although repeating the title) has a pleasing flow, but Lines 2 and 3 are like a bucket of cold water over the head.

Are the first 3 lines meant to be read as a preamble? Because since your style is generally to dive in straight to the poem most of your regular readers will assume they are meant to be part of the poem.

If it indeed is a prologue rather than part of the poem then it needs separating more clearly!

L4 also reads awkwardly

'fantancy' - should that be 'fantasy'?

and 'I kept April stay' doesn't make sense.... perhaps 'I let April stay...' or 'I kept April close by....' ?

Once this rough passage is behind us the rest of the poem is a pleasant journey, as is the case for all your pieces on here.

H

[Delta40]

I like how you move from dream world to fantasy to self belief. I agree with hill that some of the lines read a little awkwardly but with a little editing, the themes will still be retained. You seem to spark hope in your writing Ang.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'd have married this poem on the basis of the title alone! The thought in itself is intoxicating and is enhanced by the naturalness with which you express it.

I agree with the criticisms Hillwalker offered & Delta endorsed but would add that I wish you would omit the last two lines because they're rather flat and literal & they detract from the more poetic & provocative quality of the line before them.

[Pensive]

I agree with Prince regarding the beauty of this intriguing title.
And beautiful poem, once again, angliholic!