Poems

[zoolane]

The Beach.

The crimson wave gentle falls on the once saffron beach.
The was once saffron sand; has come ruby sheet.
Someone has poured cherry paint down cliff face. .

Scatting across the ruby sheet is forest colour patch of cloths.
A hemlet sitting on a rock: wait for someone to wear it.
In the distance black leather boot has in bedded itself in saffron sand.

[zoolane]

The Drunk Sailor.

A brandy; drinking sailor.
Stumble round the saloon bar.
Eyed up buxom; blond; beauty behind the bar.
Buxom; blond try not to notice the sailor.

But he stay until closed time.
Only to find the drunk sailor.
Sleep at the bar.

[Jerrybaldy]

Have read 'The Beach' several times now and on the 3rd or 4th read (that may well be slow of me) I started to form a picture of an accident scene of a suicide or accident where a motorcylist has ended on the beach via a deathfall from the cliffs.
Saffron sands, ruby sheets and cherry paint all add to this clever little piece.
best wishes
JerryB

[Scheherazade]

I started to form a picture of an accident scene of a suicide or accident where a motorcylist has ended on the beach via a deathfall from the cliffs.
Interesting... It made me think of a soldier's death on, say, on Normandy.

[zoolane]

Have read 'The Beach' several times now and on the 3rd or 4th read (that may well be slow of me) I started to form a picture of an accident scene of a suicide or accident where a motorcylist has ended on the beach via a deathfall from the cliffs.
Saffron sands, ruby sheets and cherry paint all add to this clever little piece.
best wishes
JerryB
Jerry, I can see where you are come from with that idea.


Interesting... It made me think of a soldier's death on, say, on Normandy.

Scheherazade, Thank you read ed my poem and comment. You absolute right in your interpretation of the poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm not sure I'd have got Scher's interpretation of "The Beach" on my own but it reads like a psychedellic explosion of ultra-vivid colours, and I appreciated it for that.

"The drunk sailor," on the other hand, is confusing to me unless I interpret "but he stay" to be a typo for she stay?

[Jerrybaldy]

*hits self over head with soldiers helmet*

[hillwalker]

Zoo,

'The Beach' is by far the better of the two - displaying your skills with 'painting' a vision with words. The reader sees what you describe (often with a fresh outlook) and is then allowed to work out what the background of the image is.

'The Drunk Sailor' isn't so effective because you are describing a series of events, rather like a newspaper report would. We don't see any of you in the poem or hear your unique voice. Perhaps it was written more hurriedly than the first one.... I should look at why the two are so different, and try to put more of the qualities of the first poem into the second (or any future ones).

H

[zoolane]

I'm not sure I'd have got Scher's interpretation of "The Beach" on my own but it reads like a psychedellic explosion of ultra-vivid colours, and I appreciated it for that.

"The drunk sailor," on the other hand, is confusing to me unless I interpret "but he stay" to be a typo for she stay?

If you piece all bits together 1;crimson= blood. 2: Saffron=yellow.
3:Ruby sheet= blood sinking into the sand. Cherry=blood from German from top of cliff and bottom Allies. Forest material = Soldier uniform.


Zoo,

'The Beach' is by far the better of the two - displaying your skills with 'painting' a vision with words. The reader sees what you describe (often with a fresh outlook) and is then allowed to work out what the background of the image is.

'The Drunk Sailor' isn't so effective because you are describing a series of events, rather like a newspaper report would. We don't see any of you in the poem or hear your unique voice. Perhaps it was written more hurriedly than the first one.... I should look at why the two are so different, and try to put more of the qualities of the first poem into the second (or any future ones).

H


Drunk Sailor was trail and error.

[zoolane]

The Reflective.

As I sit here in my reflective mood.
Wondering if I will never get to pasture new.
Will I never get to top of mountian.

My mood bright with hint violet.
As my positive nature; began to shine again.
The mountains are bit far; but I will get at end.

[hillwalker]

In my experience there is always one more mountain just that little bit further on, usually too far out of reach without a lot of legwork, but the fun is in trying to get there in order to see things from a heightened perspective (as I hope you are finding out).

H

[Scheherazade]

I think in "The Beach", Zoo delivers the clues very cleverly: "forest colour patch of cloths", "A hemlet sitting on a rock", "black leather boots"...

I also like the vivid imagery but, Zoo, since this is a very short poem, it might be a good idea try not to repeat crucial vocabulary such as "saffron" and "ruby".

";" is a very tricky punctuation mark so avoid it whenever possible, I say.

[zoolane]

I think in "The Beach", Zoo delivers the clues very cleverly: "forest colour patch of cloths", "A hemlet sitting on a rock", "black leather boots"...

I also like the vivid imagery but, Zoo, since this is a very short poem, it might be a good idea try not to repeat crucial vocabulary such as "saffron" and "ruby".

";" is a very tricky punctuation mark so avoid it whenever possible, I say.

Thank you Scher for helpful hint and normal I try not to repeat the same word verse. I also thought that clues were good but subtle done. Iam on being in town with oldest daugther and have cold.:aureola:

[Delta40]

The Reflective.

As I sit here in my reflective mood.
Wondering if I will never get to pasture new.
Will I never get to top of mountian.

My mood bright with hint violet.
As my positive nature; began to shine again.
The mountains are bit far; but I will get at end.

very nice. you will go to the mountain as it will not come to you!

[zoolane]

Shackles

As I lie here with these metal shackles.
Wishing that my torment will end soon.
With scarlet river at my feet.

Silver rings cutting: my once divine skin.
With drags to keep what dignity I have left.
The smell of devastation floating round my chamber.

This 2nd part to ''The Thee' Poem but the person who bound to bed and their feelings.

[Haunted]

Can't tell if you're describing the actual imprisonment of just a metaphor, but compelling nevertheless.

[hillwalker]

It sounds to me like actual confinement - and the image of 'silver rings' normally associated with jewellery or adornments is quite chilling here since I assume they are the shackles.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Revised, with one change of verb and the omission of most of the punctuation marks:


Shackles

As I lie here with these metal shackles.
Wishing that my torment will end soon.
With scarlet river at my feet.

Silver rings cutting my once divine skin.
With drags to keep what dignity I have left.
The smell of devastation floating round my chamber.


It's a sad poem, but economically effective.

[Haunted]

I totally missed the war scene in The Beach. First the repetition of "the once saffron beach" one after another threw me off balance so I back tracked and it broke my train of thought. Actually saffron beach is used three times. The use of saffron and cherry actually evokes the pleasure of food and spices, and from there I see "forest colour patch of cloths" as a quilt to complete a scene of comfort. So when I got to the helmet and boots I was totally lost. Now when I'm reading it as a battle scene, I think if it's talking about a soldier who has already died, then the helmet would have been worn and the wearer gone, not waiting to be worn. Sorry zoo, I didn't get this one...

[zoolane]

Can't tell if you're describing the actual imprisonment of just a metaphor, but compelling nevertheless.

It wrote as if I was the person in imprison, so bear that individual is it confused state of mind.



It sounds to me like actual confinement - and the image of 'silver rings' normally associated with jewellery or adornments is quite chilling here since I assume they are the shackles.

H

Hill, right again silver rings are the shackles


Revised, with one change of verb and the omission of most of the punctuation marks:



It's a sad poem, but economically effective.

Thank you for correct the mistakes and comment.


I totally missed the war scene in The Beach. First the repetition of "the once saffron beach" one after another threw me off balance so I back tracked and it broke my train of thought. Actually saffron beach is used three times. The use of saffron and cherry actually evokes the pleasure of food and spices, and from there I see "forest colour patch of cloths" as a quilt to complete a scene of comfort. So when I got to the helmet and boots I was totally lost. Now when I'm reading it as a battle scene, I think if it's talking about a soldier who has already died, then the helmet would have been worn and the wearer gone, not waiting to be worn. Sorry zoo, I didn't get this one...

'The Beach' is battle scene of as such, I could not of think any words, and that sound right.

[zoolane]

The Envy.

The velvet tone of their voices.
Gentle flowing over the breeze.
Green with envy; as she stand it corner.
Jealousy eating her away.

Red with rage is colour of her eyes.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Reading this is like that feeling of momentary blindness you get when someone takes a photo of you with a flash-bulb!

[Delta40]

I like the Envy poem from velvet tones to red hot rage. Consider changing

Jealous start eating away that her.

as you have already used the word 'envy' there is no need to use the word 'start'

Perhaps: Jealousy eating her away

[zoolane]

I like the Envy poem from velvet tones to red hot rage. Consider changing

Jealous start eating away that her.

as you have already used the word 'envy' there is no need to use the word 'start'

Perhaps: Jealousy eating her away

thank you Delta, I have cold so that excuse of all mistakes this week and it start from today.:sick::banghead:

Sorry I was try stay from dark side.

Good and Devil.

As my soul departed from my body.
The struggle of the pure white beam.
Tweak my ghost to pearl gates.

Down below is satan rope.
Hook on to my foot.
Trying wrench my heart.
To gate of hell.

[hillwalker]

For such a short poem this ['Envy'] sketches a detailed picture of someone feeling excluded - which often happens in situations such as in a school environment where a group of girls might suddenly choose to give another girl the cold shoulder for going out with the wrong boy or even wearing the wrong kind of trainers.

I just felt that using the phrase 'green with envy' was a little bit lazy - everyone has read this expression so many times before. One of the reasons for writing poetry is to create a new angle or a fresh perspective on a situation most readers have already experienced - to make a reader think "wow, I never thought of it that way before" - so perhaps you need to get your thinking cap on.....

H

[Haunted]

I think you just need either envy or jealousy, not both. But since Envy is the title, you might want to drop green with envy altogether. I can totally relate to her feelings, it's so human. Great choice of subject.

[zoolane]

For such a short poem this ['Envy'] sketches a detailed picture of someone feeling excluded - which often happens in situations such as in a school environment where a group of girls might suddenly choose to give another girl the cold shoulder for going out with the wrong boy or even wearing the wrong kind of trainers.

I just felt that using the phrase 'green with envy' was a little bit lazy - everyone has read this expression so many times before. One of the reasons for writing poetry is to create a new angle or a fresh perspective on a situation most readers have already experienced - to make a reader think "wow, I never thought of it that way before" - so perhaps you need to get your thinking cap on.....

H


I think you just need either envy or jealousy, not both. But since Envy is the title, you might want to drop green with envy altogether. I can totally relate to her feelings, it's so human. Great choice of subject.

The velvet tone of their voices.
Gentle flowing over the breeze.
As she stand it corner.
Jealousy eating her away.

Red with rage is colour of her eyes.

Any better?

Hill right it the way you think.

[Delta40]

What about

Gentle flowing over the breeze
As she stands in the corner
red with rage
Jealousy eating her away

[zoolane]

What about

Gentle flowing over the breeze
As she stands in the corner
red with rage
Jealousy eating her away

Sound better mine. Well done Del x

[Scheherazade]

I like the "The velvet tone of their voices/Gently flowing over the breeze." actually but it would be great if you could describe what is eating her away without actually saying "jealousy" or "envy".

Have to admit, I don't have a suggestion at the moment how this could be achieved.

:goof:

[Delta40]

:iamwithstupid:

I think the poem must contain velvet tone transforming into red hot rage though

[Scheherazade]

:iamwithstupid:

I think the poem must contain velvet tone transforming into red hot rage thoughYes, I don't mean that that line should be left out but "jealousy" should be implied rather than be given.

[zoolane]

I like the "The velvet tone of their voices/Gently flowing over the breeze." actually but it would be great if you could describe what is eating her away without actually saying "jealousy" or "envy".

Have to admit, I don't have a suggestion at the moment how this could be achieved.

:goof:


Thank you for comment Scheherazade.


The Envy Revisited.


The Envy.

The velvet tone of their voices.
Gentle flowing over the breeze.
Her face turn into yearn; as she stand it corner.
Malice is in her soul.

Red with rage is the colour of her eyes.

[zoolane]

The Beach'.

The Beach.

The crimson wave gentle falls on the once saffron beach.
The was once amber sand; has come cerise sheet.
Someone has poured burgundy paint down cliff face. .

Scatting across the carmine sheet is forest colour patch of cloths.
A hemlet sitting on a rock: wait for someone to wear it.
In the distance black leather boot has in bedded itself in honey sand.

[Scheherazade]

Both poems read much better now, Zoo.

I really admire the effort you put into improvement of your work :)

[zoolane]

Both poems read much better now, Zoo.

I really admire the effort you put into improvement of your work :)

I am here learn and gain more experience it written. The way which I acheive this is with advice fellow Lit-netts

[PrinceMyshkin]

The Beach'.

The Beach.

The crimson wave gentle falls on the once saffron beach.
The was once amber sand; has come cerise sheet.
Someone has poured burgundy paint down cliff face. .

Scatting across the carmine sheet is forest colour patch of cloths.
A hemlet sitting on a rock: wait for someone to wear it.
In the distance black leather boot has in bedded itself in honey sand.

This is a considerable improvement over the previous draft. Way to go!