Attack.

[Jerrybaldy]

I lie in bed - fingers, toes, clenching;
the jet engine ever louder.
Getting too close,
it will smash this house
screaming higher
an imminent crash...
then it passes
and my lemon jelly heart
wobbles less
in my infant breast.

Teenager on a bus,
a check clothed seat,
passengers busy, not looking.
I cannot breathe deeply enough,
each gasp replaces less,
than was lost.
I am going to die on the number 42
with scarified acne
whilst nobody dare look.

Supermarket and the weekly shop.
Aisles in garish colours,
overwhelming static light,
shoppers curious,
at the man with the troubled forehead
gripping the trolley
like a frightened kid.

Coach to the country.
Day out for the nearly dead.
Open fields of straw and hedgerow.
The horizon slopes leftwards
as it always has,
threatening to throw me off this planet.
This cream encrusted heart,
rattles a familiar panic.

[Delta40]

Once again you have effectively used a timeline from child years through to senior years as you depict anxiety attacks at each phase. You provide a good setting in each stanza although I think

each inhale replaces less,
than was exhaled. Might need a revisit as it interrupts the flow (but could be appropriate under the circumstances!)

I am an ardent fan of your strong imagery. I particularly felt -

I am going to die on the number 42
with scarified acne
whilst nobody dare look.

[JuniperWoolf]

I don't like the first line. Maybe it's just the punctuation that gets to me. Something like:

"I lay in bed - fingers, toes, clenching;" would work better.

The punctuation throughout needs a bit of re-evaluation, you've got to get it down if you want the reader to hear the poem in their head the way you want them to. It could be a good, concise poem if you give it some polish.

That said about the structure, I like the meat of it quite a bit. Your portrayal of anxiety pretty good, made things feel nice and hopeless for the narrator.

[Jerrybaldy]

thank you both. will work on both of your points. the punctuation through out is a bit of a challenge though. I add punctuation at the end and I am unsure what I should be changing .....
thanks for your comments
JerryB

[JuniperWoolf]

thank you both. will work on both of your points. the punctuation through out is a bit of a challenge though. I add punctuation at the end and I am unsure what I should be changing .....
thanks for your comments
JerryB

I could help you. I've got nothing better to do for the next twenty minutes or so, I'll pm you something without changing the words.

[Haunted]

The short quick lines work extremely well here, I feel an attack coming on while I'm reading it. Very vivid imageries, from "lemon jelly heart" of an infant to the "cream encrusted heart" in his senior years, stale, and obviously clogged up with cholesterol.

[Jerrybaldy]

inhlales and exhales hopefully replaced for the better and repititions removed and maybe the puctuation improved ?

[JuniperWoolf]

That's much better.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you JW, hope you drop by regularly.
Thank you haunted. You seem to be familiar with the topic too.

[Delta40]

that reads much better Jerry.

[Lumiere]

each gasp replaces less,
than was lost.

I felt this most effective in encapsulating that always Near-at-Hand panic.

I liked the unity of "lemon jelly heart" in the first and "cream encrusted heart" in the last, but was so struck by the terrifying image of the sloping horizon that I almost wished it was the final image. I'm not proposing you alter it; I think your original ending is ultimately best; I'm just very fond of the idea of the sloping horizon as the last imprint. It would be interesting, anyway.

Very good job at capturing the constant thread of fear; I felt it.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Delta, your suggestion was quite right.
Thanks also Lumiere, the sloping horizon scares the life out of me too and I find it rewarding that you picked that out.

[Scheherazade]

Once again you have effectively used a timeline from child years through to senior years as you depict anxiety attacks at each phase.
The short quick lines work extremely well here, I feel an attack coming on while I'm reading it. Very vivid imageries, from "lemon jelly heart" of an infant to the "cream encrusted heart" in his senior years, stale, and obviously clogged up with cholesterol.Quite agree.

I am wondering if "lay" in the very first line should be "lie" to keep up with the present tense use in the rest of the poem.

And whether the latter part of the third stanza would read better if:

at the man with the troubled forehead,
gripping the trolley,
looking like a frightened kid.

Funny, though; I often thought the infant heart might be more like strawberry jelly! :p

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks S.
I have always had trouble with lay and lie. Hawk has caught me out in the past when I mangaed to use both in a poem, both in the wrong tense :)

I have made the change youu suggested to the third stanza (did you miss one?) and also chopped 'looking'. In editorial hyper mode I have now also lost the penultimate line re pumping sludge as it felt superfluous.

I used lemon jelly for the yellow of fear. I was thinking about this earlier and realised I was most likely inspired by a poem by zoo, where tangerine liquid bled from her heart. Thanks zoo :)
and thanks again Scheherazade.

[Scheherazade]

the third stanza (did you miss one?) I have always had trouble with my second and third!

:p

[Hawkman]

I think this is a pretty good one Jerry, definatley a keeper. It reads well and employs strong imagery to convey its meaning.

A powerful and creative final line too.

"This cream encrusted heart,
rattles a familiar panic."

Regards, H

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Hawkman,
good to see you around again. Hope your workload allows more visits soon.

[hillwalker]

I'm playing catch-up also with this one (out all day) so I missed its previous incarnation.

The images are powerful, yet restrained enough to suggest impending doom without actually inviting it. And I particularly enjoy the way it builds up to such a fine crescendo.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Hill

Its a tighter version than first posted thanks to some nudges in the right direction.

thanks for commenting
Jerry