Winter's Here!

[GEETASHREE]

5 am
Still dark
A chill & a
Stealthy, soft
Falling leaf
In the air

I know winter’s near!

Dull green twigs
Grass yellowing
On the tips
A weak sun
Untidy breeze
Rough caress
On the skin

I know winter’s near!

Sheets pulled
Windows shut
Heads snuggle
Warm pillows
Feel comfort
Indoors; &
Kitchen’s cozy
Lit afire

I know winter’s near!

A warm bath
Soothing balm
To heal wounds
Subdue qualms
A steaming cup of
Tea or Coffee
Early morn or late
Night, before I retire

I know winter’s near!




Pages filled
With Inky tears
Diary closed
Sleep smear
Drooping lids
All fear
Dreams too
Disappear
Lights blear
Night closes
In like a
Friend so dear
Deep I
Breathe in
The sheer
Joy of being
So near

I know winter’s here!

[Delta40]

I like the images you invoke here and particularly the last stanza with seems to meld the whole mood of comfort warmth, change and friendship so well together.

[hillwalker]

I like the way the last word of the repeated refrain changes from 'near' to 'here' in the final line.

And there are some other nice touches - 'Sleep smear' and 'Lights blear' both original but effective expressions.

However, your decision to allow rhyme to over-rule what you write in the last stanza has meant one or two lines don't work particularly well.

All fear [?]

makes no sense to me - it neither fits into the context of the rest of the poem nor adds anything to the picture you have taken such pains to draw for us.

But other than that I enjoyed this very much.

H

[GEETASHREE]

Mr. Hill I am sorry to say and with due respect, I just do not understand your apathy towards rhyme. They came naturally. I did not have to try very hard. You have to read All fear with disappear and not as a stand alone line. The replacement of near by hear signifies a transcendence from material realities to the more philosophical realms of cogitation over life's winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delta, thanks very much for your appreciation. The last stanza is more about embracing the eternal end of life like a friend ! If you've read Tagore, you'll know that in one of his songs he compares death with eternal love. Death is like a friend who is ever faithful as it is all embracing and permanent!!!

[hillwalker]

Mr. Hill I am sorry to say and with due respect, I just do not understand your apathy towards rhyme. You have to read All fear with disappear and not as a stand alone line.

I'm not apathetic to rhyme - I'm probably allergic to it!

Many thanks for your explanation - and I did indeed understand the change from 'near' to 'here' - it was a compliment not a criticism.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

It made me feel the coming of winter and the cosiness of the warmth inside, stanzas 3 and 4 particularly, stanza 5 seemed to go in a different direction.
cheers
JerryB

[Scheherazade]

I like this one very much, Geetashree. It is so rich with images; however, to me, they feel like they are hanging in the air. I wish a little that there was some kind of order in the progress (say, starting from early morning and reaching night time and the concluding part) and the line numbers were the same to make the structure tighter.

Also, out of curiousity, is the use of "&" on purpose?

[GEETASHREE]

I like this one very much, Geetashree. It is so rich with images; however, to me, they feel like they are hanging in the air. I wish a little that there was some kind of order in the progress (say, starting from early morning and reaching night time and the concluding part) and the line numbers were the same to make the structure tighter.

Also, out of curiousity, is the use of "&" on purpose?


Hi! I am an undisciplined writer and sometimes ignore form and sequence conveniently. That is why , may be the jarring notes? I have a special liking for "&"! (LOL)


It made me feel the coming of winter and the cosiness of the warmth inside, stanzas 3 and 4 particularly, stanza 5 seemed to go in a different direction.
cheers
JerryB

Yes, you are right Jerry! It does...

[Haunted]

It starts out soothing and cozy but the last few lines imply start of winter as the impending end of life. I personally hate the use of exclamation marks. If it's to indicate a strong emotion, then one should be able to write about it then rely on punctuation.

I like short lines but not a fan of so many lines with just two words. You have a lot of wonderful imageries and that interrupts the smoothness of what you're describing.

[GEETASHREE]

It starts out soothing and cozy but the last few lines imply start of winter as the impending end of life. I personally hate the use of exclamation marks. If it's to indicate a strong emotion, then one should be able to write about it then rely on punctuation.

I like short lines but not a fan of so many lines with just two words. You have a lot of wonderful imageries and that interrupts the smoothness of what you're describing.


One of my poet friend hates poems without punctuation marks. But I believe everybody has his or her likes and dislikes. Thanks for the critique

[Scheherazade]

Hi! I am an undisciplined writer and sometimes ignore form and sequence conveniently. That is why , may be the jarring notes? I have a special liking for "&"! (LOL)I hope you come back to this one after a while because I think it has great potential.