Faults poem and other to follow.

[zoolane]

Faults.

I know my own faults'.
Faults' are part of me.
Faults' belong to my personality.
Make me who I am.

I am not ashamed to admit it.
I am accepted help or advice from others.
Is show that I am a mature character.
I think I am.

[zoolane]

Bird.

My wings are my salvation.
Allow me span myself across the dawn.
Dawn is my favourite time of day.
Sun remover it earthly blanket.
Sky with it gust of wind.
Blow me back to my tree.

[zoolane]

Whirlpool of hate.

Whirlpool of hate is upon us.
With it twisting and turning us.
With a slip here on finger.
Bang the a blackness.

The blackness start rawing at your fingers.
With throbbing, numbness for arms.
The head start wonder what it mean.

[Hawkman]

Hi zoolane. You have two charming (and disarming) little poems here. If I may, I'd like to correct your punctuation in Faults. firstly there is no apostrophe on the end of faults when used like this. Faults is a plural word and you are not employing a possessive case. You need only employ the word once and still have a coherent stanza but you have opted for the repetitive, rhetorical device, so we can let it stand. I like the first sentence as it is, but the next three lines can still form a coherent sentence by dividing them with commas.

I think S2 would be more coherent worded as shown.

"I know my own faults.
Faults are part of me,
Faults belong to my personality,
Make me who I am.

I am not ashamed to admit it.
I accept help; advice from others,
which shows I am the mature character
I think I am."

I really like "Bird". It has an almost oriental feel, like really good Chinese or Japanese poetry. but your expression is a little confused. May I suggest:

"My wings are my salvation.
They let me span myself across the dawn,
For dawn is my favourite time of day.
The sun removes its earthly blanket
and the sky, with a gust of wind,
Blows me back to my tree."

Hope you find this helpful.

Best, H

[zoolane]

Thank you Hawk, welcome back and correct them.


I got long way to go with written the correct way for poem or story.
I am just happy to be able post them here and people enjoyed readed them.

[hillwalker]

I think 'Bird' is the more elegant of the 3 - the idea of a bird 'spanning across the dawn' with its wings is quite original.

'Whirlpool' is a darker one - and I'm not sure of the context in which you are describing the 'hatred'.

The mention of 'the slip of a finger' made me think of a computer keyboard - perhaps a misguided comment on the internet or some such thing.

Recent events might have made some newer writers on here question their ability and doubt the integrity of other members' comments and intentions.

But I think that the storm has blown over and hope the damage has been minimal. Most of us on here behave respectfully and our aim is always to challenge each other and raise our standards by encouragement and friendly advice, not drag everyone down.

H

[zoolane]

Birthstones.

I look deep in your emerald eyes.
And I see the aquamarine subtle waves.
My eyes see in your opal shape heart.
With amethyst shade is close in.

Pearl is colour of your tender skin.
Ruby blended in your skin.
When sun blaze against citrine sky.
Peridot on the ground.
With sapphire run across the open land.

[zoolane]

I think 'Bird' is the more elegant of the 3 - the idea of a bird 'spanning across the dawn' with its wings is quite original.

'Whirlpool' is a darker one - and I'm not sure of the context in which you are describing the 'hatred'.

The mention of 'the slip of a finger' made me think of a computer keyboard - perhaps a misguided comment on the internet or some such thing.

Recent events might have made some newer writers on here question their ability and doubt the integrity of other members' comments and intentions.

But I think that the storm has blown over and hope the damage has been minimal. Most of us on here behave respectfully and our aim is always to challenge each other and raise our standards by encouragement and friendly advice, not drag everyone down.

H


Thank you H, The bird was just one came to thing about bird1st trip as adult

Whirlpool was wrote because the internet can be very harsh place sometime for adults' and childrens'.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Bird & Whirlpool of Hate are my favourites among these; unlike Hawkman and Hillwalker I don't have the patience (or the goodness of heart) to try to correct the linguistic flaws in these or the other two. I think and hope that by reading some of the poems on here and some from any anthology of 20th century poetry you'll get a better handle on technique and primarily on standard English language use.

[zoolane]

Bird & Whirlpool of Hate are my favourites among these; unlike Hawkman and Hillwalker I don't have the patience (or the goodness of heart) to try to correct the linguistic flaws in these or the other two. I think and hope that by reading some of the poems on here and some from any anthology of 20th century poetry you'll get a better handle on technique and primarily on standard English language use.

Thank you for comment Prince, I did going to the library today but their poetry section is 1 book so I will seek some out on amazons once I have brought the books I needed for college.

[Haunted]

zoo, the Fault poem is very honest and a delight to read.
The bird poem reminds me of angel wing and reads wonderfully as a continuation.
I am confused over whirlpool, I didn't get the sense of that its about the Internet, maybe that's just an inspiration and not meant to be literally mentioned in the poem. The language is a bit hard to follow. So it looks like your softer side comes through to me in today's collection. Birthstone is quite lovely but I kinda expect 12 lines and not stopping with just nine.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thank you for comment Prince, I did going library today but their poetry section is 1 book so I will seek some out on amazons once I have brought the books I needed for college.

Or you could check out one of these sites:

http://www.lit.kobe-u.ac.jp/~hishika/20c_poet.htm
http://poetry.about.com/od/20thcenturypoets/20th_Century_Poets.htm
http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/born/8/20th_century_poets.html

and pick a few at random...

I admire your willingness to learn!

[Jerrybaldy]

Your first poem ' faults' was my favourite in your expression of ' faults make me who I am' . There seems an endless truth in that line. I can think of so many examples where each beauty was within its fault.

Having said that , 'Whirlpool of hate is upon us' is a killer opening line.

Best wishes
JerryB

[zoolane]

zoo, the Fault poem is very honest and a delight to read.
The bird poem reminds me of angel wing and reads wonderfully as a continuation.
I am confused over whirlpool, I didn't get the sense of that its about the Internet, maybe that's just an inspiration and not meant to be literally mentioned in the poem. The language is a bit hard to follow. So it looks like your softer side comes through to me in today's collection. Birthstone is quite lovely but I kinda expect 12 lines and not stopping with just nine.

Fault poem was honest opinion of one's self. The Bird was inspired by photos I saw in book.

The Whirlpool was inspired by past and present experiences of net and plus so many people have had some sort abuse type to them on here. (vary website)

Birth stones was suppose be 12 but run out of things compare colours to.


Or you could check out one of these sites:

http://www.lit.kobe-u.ac.jp/~hishika/20c_poet.htm
http://poetry.about.com/od/20thcenturypoets/20th_Century_Poets.htm
http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/born/8/20th_century_poets.html

and pick a few at random...

I admire your willingness to learn!

Thank you Prince for website.


Your first poem ' faults' was my favourite in your expression of ' faults make me who I am' . There seems an endless truth in that line. I can think of so many examples where each beauty was within its fault.

Having said that , 'Whirlpool of hate is upon us' is a killer opening line.

Best wishes
JerryB

Thank you so much Jerry, sometimes good to admit to others and yourself that you are not perfect.

Praise is accept for 'Whirlpool'