Lifeless

[demonic790]

We were given an assignment to write a poem. There was just one restriction where we had to mimic the basic theme and lines of a selected poem.

Undoubtedly, I chose one of Hawkmans poems. The poem I chose, ''Changeling'' can be found here:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55751

This is what I created:
Lifeless

I have seen her
Rest as tears beneath the waves
When all thought was reprised
And regret condoned itself
To an eternal slumber
Of darkness.

Among such nights,
Mirrored rays,
Luminous to the eye,
Shape her
In a dappled rage;
Where despair and anguish
Sound the same.

Dusk to dawn,
When dream and reality
Cross a thin line,
And her eyes
Mask the very vibrancy
In life's small circles.

I have seen her
Make her last orison
And scream the absolute
To shuttered winds
That encompass
Dormant ashen lips.

Stalking shadows taper voids
For absence
In pulses opaque shores,
While mocking the pretension of life.

And in her silken tide
She wields the glass beneath the veil
And mourns the day
When the silent kiss had killed me.

I have seen her
But she hasn't seen me...

I'm very happy with it.

[Pensive]

No professional critic here, infact a real babe in arms when it comes to poetry but here are my two cents. I would suggest you to work over the rhyme and rhythm of the poem. There are places where it seems to work perfectly but for some reason the same flow doesn't remain even throughout.

Other than that, I think it's an awesome idea and basically a really good work.


I have seen her
But she hasn't seen me...

I'm very happy with it.

A mere glimpse of one's Desired One can make one's day, and being totally immersed in them you don't even care if the feeling is mutual. All else is circus and sport except that you care about them. The most interesting feeling ever. Love how you describe it here!

[hillwalker]

I can see why you feel so pleased with your efforts

The original was an artful piece of writing with some vivid imagery and you have managed to create some of your own here while treading the fine line between plagiarising and abandoning Hawkman's poem.

I did find the flow was a little jumpy in places - expecting lines that rose and fell in a fairly regular rhythm like the sea only to stumble across a syllable too many or a change in stress that threw the balance. But it's a difficult skill to master when copying someone else's style.

I might also advise changing that final line - it is weakened by the word 'hasn't' and the whole phrase seems to leave the poem hanging in mid-air (as if we are waiting for the word 'yet' to follow, or something else that does a better job of underlining the despair the narrator feels at the end).

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Without having taken the trouble to re-read Hawkman's doubtless fine poem, I thought this was an original sounding & feeling one of your own, up to those last three lines, which have too intrusive a feeling for me. Is "I'm very happy with it" even meant to be part of the poem or is it a continuation of the commentary that precedes the poem? In either case it's telling too much too overtly whereas the rest of the poem enlightens the reader by way of imagery.

Now that you've used someone else's poem as a model, are you motivated to strike out on your own? I feel you could do that.

[demonic790]

Of course. In no way was I trying to plagiarize Hawk's work. I was merely following the assignments rules (which I think were pretty stupid due to the fact that part of the theme and ideas aren't my work) and wasn't trying to make that impression.

I'm very proud of it is not part of the poem by the way.

[Hawkman]

Well, Demon, Should I be feeling worried? Am I the victim of a poetical, cyber-stalker? Seriously, I'm just kidding. I very flattered that you find my work so inspiring.

The previous commentators have made some valid points vis. metre though. I would also draw your attention to the line breaks. Where possible, and especially if you are endeavouring to emulate my style :D the line breaks should fall in natural places.

eg

"Among such nights,
Mirrored rays, luminous to the eye,
Shape her in a dappled rage;
Where despair and anguish
Sound the same."

might be a bit better. Also a little attention to word choice, not only to fit the metre but to refine meaning wouldn't do any harm. again, as an example where you have said "Among such nights," 'among' is not a word I'd expect to see employed like this in customary usage. How about, "when on such nights,".

Notwhithstanding, It's a solid effort with some good imagery and some really nice lines, like:

"And in her silken tide
She wields the glass beneath the veil "

which flows very well.

Thanks for showing it.

Best, H