Her Angel, His Curse

[Madame]

Withering away. Nothing seemed more inviting, more important to Charlie Kaplin than just ending it all, disappearing from the planet. Born with brown hair and pale skin, she was a very plain girl. She hid behind her hair often, keeping some type of wall between herself and the rest of the world. It seemed dire that she distanced herself from society, since being close, as she discovered, only caused more pain.

Currently in class, she kept her head down, her eyes glued to the text in their reading: Hamlet. It was the last Shakespearean play they ever had to study before graduation, a relief on her part. Charlie enjoyed Shakespeare, but not when forced upon her. Then she became disinterested, and would shove the text away. There would also be a likelihood she read it before.

"Charlotte, may you read?" The teacher addressed her for the first time that day, which all teachers tend to call on each individual student at least once. Cursing the teacher with a death glare, she began to read, her voice distant. Without realizing it, she began to dive into the story, her mind wrapping itself around Shakespeare's words. When she finished the couple of pages each student was required to read, her cheeks felt red, as if someone held a warmed wash cloth to her cheeks, and her breathing had slightly quickened, as if she had run through a marathon.

"Very nice, Charlotte." Nodding in acknowledgment, she slouched in her seat, glad that her daily participation was out of the way. After the period was over, and the hour turned into the end of the day, she rushed out of school and into her car, slamming the door shut and pulling out of her parking space. However, as she did, she slammed into something- a huge truck.

Stepping out, she pressed her hand to her forehead, guilt and anger at herself building up inside. "Hey, sorry about this. I've been distracted, I wasn't looking..." She pulled her insurance card as well as her license out, waiting for the other to exit their car. Technically, according to the law, it would be the other driver's fault. However, she wasn't the type to pin guilt on other people. Well... that wasn't entirely true... there was one person she blamed for the way she is today.

The guy rolled down his window, smiling sweetly at her.

"Let's pretend this didn't happen, okay?" His bright emerald eyes winking at her, he shook his ebony hair from his eyes, nodding for her to replace her information. "If there's any type of damage I can't take care of, I'll be sure to contact you then. I'll just.. well... hunt you down myself." He chuckled and rolled his window up again, speeding out of the parking lot and onto the highway.

She had seen him before, many years ago. That was when she lived a state away. They weren't friends, but more like... childhood "acquaintance", if that could make sense. A memory flashed through her mind then disappeared. It momentarily made her heart stop, but in the worst way possible. But what was it? What caused her heart to skip like that?

"I need... to go," she thought aloud. Entering her car and peeling out, she headed straight home and into her room without even realizing she moved. She lay in her bed, her eyes glued to the ceiling, not seeing anything but the void of her thoughts. What the hell was that? What just crawled into my mind, then disappeared? And why, oh why, do I care so much? She sat up, looking around for her middle school year book. Finding it, she searched through it until she found her class. The students were located alphabetically, so she found herself instantly. And next to her was pictured "Sean Koby". The memory came and went again.

Maybe with some sleep, I can get this crap out of the way.

And unfortunately, rest made matters worse.

[Madame]

Charlie Kaplin's dreams were haunted by Sean Koby, a younger version of the man she met in the parking lot. He tormented her, but in a way no one could imagine. When she woke up, tears were already shedding, rolling down her face and into her hands. She didn't imagine anything could be so... so...

Why? Why could she have not remembered that? A memory so painful, so traumatizing as the one she just experienced in her dreams... how could she have forgotten. He's a monster, and an angel. He made me the way I am. Always silent, always wanting to disappear. Always wanting to run away, like I forced my parents to after I found out... Before she realized it, she was shaking, her body quivering violently, due to her horrific nightmare. "Oh, goodness."

She never returned to sleep, and so the next day, people noticed just how terrifying the "Walking Dead Girl" could look. People avoided her more than usual, noticing her wobbly demeanor. In class, she continued in her morose state, the teachers even staying back by not bother to call her. The day ended slowly, but surely, and she was on her way to her car before she could realize it.

"Hey, you." She jumped, the voice- and the body that accompanied it- seeming to creep up on her in the worst way possible. She turned her neck around barely, her dark eyes scanning his green. "Wow, you look like crap. Want me to give you a ride home? Your car'll be here tomorrow." She shook her head, walking faster than usual to be inside her junky Impala. However, she just wasn't fast enough, her frail figure barely touching the trunk, before he honked at her. "We need to talk."

She was beat, she knew, and decided to go along with his plan, whatever it may be. Maybe, if she was actually lucky enough, she could finally get her wish, and be rid of life for good.

Now inside the truck, she kept a good distance from him- in the best way she could. It was a spacy vehicle, which allowed her to feel slightly safe. When I die, she thought, I want to feel just like this. They parked just inside a forest entrance, a place no one around here went, due to legends about haunting. Even Charlie felt afraid to approach the woods.

Turning off the truck, he faced her, forcing her to do the same just with his gaze. "What do you remember?"

"As of last night, everything."

"That's not part of the plan."

"I couldn't help it." She sounded sort of defensive.

"I know. I'm sorry. But, at the time, neither could I." He reached out for her arm, which she quickly retreated, cowering into the door of his truck.

"Sean-"

His emerald eyes glowed when she said his name, his face lighting up- literally. "Charlotte..." The familiar way he said her real name, it comforted and frightened her.

"You told me long ago this was wrong. All of this was wrong. I'm your curse."

"And you said it wasn't like that," he recalled, his eyes far away. "You told me I was your angel."

A silence fell for a while, the words hanging in the air.

"I want to die."

"I know."

"I can't forgive you."

"I know." He didn't even bother apologizing; after what he caused her, after her emotions whacked out, how could he ever apologize for that? Because they both knew, it wouldn't be fixed.

"What are we doing here then? Are you going to finish it?" She pulled up her black knitted sweater sleeve, revealing one of three large scars that she hid from the world, even during the summer. Not like anyone would notice, even if she were naked, and in the broad daylight.

"No. I'm here to... to drive a bargain."

"If you give me death, I'll hand you forgiveness. If that's not the negotiation in mind, then forget it. Take me home, and never speak to me again."

His face twisted. He remembered a bright, sunshine-y girl with big dreams. The girl before him was the total opposite of that girl; she insulted the old Charlie. "Just hear me out."

And she did.

[hillwalker]

Not my favourite genre so I wasn't sure what to expect. But you managed to keep my eyes glued to the screen right the way through so you have the ability to captivate an audience.

I'm obviously not much wiser as to what the background to the story is - I'm guessing vampires, wereworlves or some such dark secret past. But what matters is that your story has managed to intrigue me enough to care.

You obviously are an accomplished writer. The pace of the story could be a little sharper (2 schooldays one after the other could do with a more exciting filler in between) and the sneak previews of the sub-plot are very tantalising although some readers have less patience than others and might give up unless you can throw them a few more helpful clues.

I also have 2 questions -

1) "I need... to go." Entering her car and peeling out, she headed straight home....

Who was Charlie speaking to because Sean had already driven off? I'm assuming it was internal dialogue (spoken only to herself) but it wasn't clear to me.

2) Unless it's death for forgiveness, it's not happening.

Perhaps I'm assuming too much here but I thought the offer might be death OR forgiveness - and of course without knowing the plot in depth it's a shot in the dark.

So a very promising start. I'll look forward to seeing more when you find the time - and I hope you get more responses than just mine. Your hard work deserves to be noticed.

H

[chimney_swift]

You were never my curse.

[Madame]

Sorry about the confusion. Didn't really proofread before submitting; probably should have. I will certainly get to that once I am home [at school! xD], and hopefully, once edited, it would be easier to read. [: Thanks for the critique.

[Madame]

Okay, now it's edited. [: I hope things are clarified. I'll write another chapter later today.

[hillwalker]

Okay, now it's edited. [: I hope things are clarified. I'll write another chapter later today.

And I'll look forward to a read when I have a mo.

The hints were indeed helpful - and I now realise why she thinks she could well have read 'Hamlet' before, but isn't sure.

H

[Delta40]

Hill I correct. You certainly have the ability to captivate your audience, as you have drawn me in but only just. The morsels you are providing are the absolute minimum for me before I decide not pursue the tale any further. Perhaps you could lay a few more breadcrumbs to keep me pecking?

[Madame]

With short stories, I tend to drag things on a biiiit too much, than I do with my "novels". Probably in the next post [which I will submit after writing this], I will try to speed up the process some how. xD
Wow, glad to have some feedback. [: Keep it up guys; I truly appreciate it.

[Madame]

Charlie's ears listened intently to the words escaping his lips in a rush. She couldn't bring herself to face Sean, but hearing him was more than enough to know his expression. When they were younger, before all the torture he'd put her through, she could read him inside-out. Every time they spoke, every time he would only glance at her, she knew his exact thoughts at that very moment. It astonished her how she knew Sean Koby better than herself. It also frightened her.

But not nearly as much as sitting right next to him now, trying her best to stay as far away as possible in this cramped space.

"When we first met, I had an inkling that you were different. Something about you was too good to be true, too... abnormal. But in the best way one could decribe. It's so hard to explain this. You expressed yourself differently, always saying 'To-mah-to' to everyone's 'To-may-to'. You had so much pain in your life, yet you hid it behind the brightest smile. But I knew. And I wanted nothing more than to end that suffering."

"But you didn't," she interupted, her voice cold and uncharacteristically fierce. "You made my life so much harder to bear. Why didn't you just-"

"Please let me finish." When she didn't continue, he proceeded. "So yes, I used my abilities on you. The first time, on your back, it was the most difficult part of the ritual. You not knowing made the process that much harder. But I thought that taking away your soul would allow you to live a carefree life." She whipped around, her mouth open, ready to say something, but he held up his hand. Something about his serious expression made her cease talking as well. Glaring at the dashboard behind his steering wheel, he started again. "I know that, in your dreams now, you wish to wither away. To disappear into the wind, never to suffer again." Strange how earlier yesterday, she was thinking something similar to that. Stay out of my head, she warned, her eyes narrowed, but at his stereo and not his face. "It's only because I performed the ritual while you were sleeping, and completed it that way. And for that, I'm so sorry."

"Why? My dreams are my most peaceful thoughts. Because, when I die in my dreams..." She trailed off, her face going blank. Her mind drifted far away, into her subconscious, to where her wonderful, blissful dreams lay. "I'm... so far gone. It's beautiful." Her voice was that of a small girl's: little, scared, but also slightly content.

"But that's not how a human should live. A human should live in a way that she would look forward to waking up in the morning." He shook his head and punched the steering wheel, half of it falling back onto the dash. "****."

"Let's go home."

"Can I talk while I'm driving."

"If that's what you wish." She turned her back on him again. Hopefully, it would be the last time she would have to do such an act.

And for a time, it was. For about a month, they had no contact with each other. Mid-fall turned into a suddenly harsh winter. It seemed strange to Kaplin how the weather worked around her town. Holding the front of her coat against her torso, she walked through the brisk wind toward her car. A flurry fell on the city, making vision that much more impossible. When she approached her car, and just pulled out her keys, someone appeared behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't turn around," he warned, his mouth directly behind her ear. "Just step into the car. Unlock the door for me. Try to lock me out, I'll pop one tire. Try to drive away, I'll pop yet another. Trust me, I can do it. Or do you want to test me?" At first, Charlie figured it to be Sean, but his voice sounded more like a soft snowfall than a harsh snowstorm. Unlocking both car doors, she stepped in. When they were both inside, she still was not permitted to look in his direction.

"Just drive. Keep driving until I say stop. Don't ask questions, and for the life of you, don't you DARE look at me."

She nodded in compliance, backing out of her spot and through the parking lot, onto the highway and in whichever direction the stranger led her.

Many times over she wished for death. She wanted someone other than herself to end it. When she was with Sean, she had said it aloud, knowing he wouldn't try to kill her. He had been the reason she was alive today. But now, in this situation, Charlie wanted nothing more to than live.

Where, oh, where, she thought desperately, trying her best not to burst into tears, Is my darling angel? My beautiful Angel of Death...

[hillwalker]

I'm still with you.

This got better as it went along, as if you found it a bit difficult to pick up from when you finished the previous post and took time to build up speed.

That sometimes happens when you write in short bites of creativity (especially when other things occupy your time). There's no real way to avoid it until the rewrite/edit stage when the story is finished. You can afford to trim things down by then; cut out bits that seem a little sluggish perhaps.

The conversation in the cab is a little too stretched out - so many interruptions, and side comments on how Charlie felt at each moment. I can understand why you feel it's necessary to tell the reader all this, but sometime later you will probably be able to tighten this bit up to maintain the general flow of the story.

The rest is very good - loved the way you describe the weather 'working around' the town.

H

[Madame]

[Hey all. Sorry about not updating, I've been super busy. Senior year of HS and all that. :3 But I'mma type out a small chapter before resuming to those duties. And I'll probably do all that special editing later as well. Tooooo busy to sit here and proofread, sorry! So if there's anything that doesn't make sense, bear with me! Busy busy busy!]

The air inside Charlie's car seemed cramp and almost nonexistent. So much tension and... and anger, perhaps, wafted in the air and through her nostrils, making it close to impossible to breathe. Keeping her face forward, she continued to drive until the stranger ordered her to veer off into a narrow dirt road. She did as she was commanded. The forestry surrounding the road was thick and dark, the grey sky making the area appear black and deep brown.

How very ominous.

After a few silent miles, she was ordered to park just by the edge of a cliff. She felt this was where her life ended. Right here. Poor Charlie never recieved the chance to talk with Sean one last time, though she wondered briefly why this mattered to her. Sean was a monster, a menace and threat to society, yet her final thought revolved around him. Old habits die hard, I suppose, she thought, a small smirk appearing on her lips as she exited her car, turning to face away from the bandit.

"I'm taking your car. Don't move until you've counted to ten. You'll be safe then."

Her identity, her cards, her important school and home items were all settled inside of that car. However, her phone was not. She could cancel everything post haste, and have no one create anything for her until further notice.

"Give me your phone," the man ordered. "Doesn't matter if you see me now anyway. Hopefully, we'll never meet again."

"You're associated with Sean, aren't you?" she asked, turning on her heel to face him. She gasped as she scanned over the face, surprised to figure out just how closely "associated" they were.

"Yes, I realize this is a pretty... unfortunate reunion, but, as I said, we'll never see each other again, if all goes according to plan."

Something occurred to her then: she had no idea how to exit this forest. Sean's father stared her down at this very moment, knowing this fact, and trying to make sure she had no means of returning to where she'd come. He also knew of her relationship with Sean, if one could call what the two had a "relationship", especially now.

"No." She took a step back.

Sean's father cackled, going to open the door. She picked up a rock and chucked it at the window, shattering it. She was surprised at her own strength, but since the "ritual"- as Sean calls it- she had grown substantially stronger, and much brighter. One's curse could also be their blessing, she supposed.

She made her way into the forest, having no idea in which direction to turn next. She made random side-steps, making last minute turns into random parts of the forest. As the sky grew darker, so did the forest. Her vision had improved as well as the rest of her since that fateful day, but she was still mostly human. Her detriment, unfortunately.

Charlie jumped as steps were heard behind her. She made her way to a tree and reached for the lowest branch, her height making it easy to grab hold of and pull herself up. In the tree, she kept very still, barely breathing, her eyes focused below her. The figure had dark hair, meaning it could had to be Sean's father, but the firmness of his body- from what she could tell- wasn't as well defined as the older man's. Taking a risk, she called down to him.

"Sean?" she whispered, barely audible to her human ears, but knowing either creature would hear her easily. Thankfully- or not, depending on the situation- Sean's sparkling green eyes looked up at her, a relieved expression crossing his face. Holding his arms out, he helped her down, not letting go even after her feet touched the ground. When they finally separated, he finally spoke.

"No matter what, I cannot take my eyes off of you for a single second. Even after all these years, you tend to get yourself into trouble." He was trying to joke around, but Charlie found none of this funny.

"It's your fault," she accused coldly, her eyes narrowing and filling with fury. How dare he be so jocular at a time like this?

"I know," he sighed, seeing she still held hostile feelings toward him. "C'mon. I know the path out of here. Follow me." He extended his hand, but she dared not take it, so he dropped it and continued onward.

When they were out, he offered a ride home- not that she could refuse.

"How did you find me, anyway?" she asked, sounding genuinely curious. "Were you following me?"

"Not at first. But as you were leaving the parking lot and onto the highway, I noticed my father sitting next to you. I knew where he would be headed, since it's a frequent kidnapping spot for him, and followed you both about ten minutes later."

"What if I'd been killed?"

"He wants nothing to do with you. It's all me, trust me. And he knew I'd follow after you. Anyone else, they don't matter." Saying this, it seemed, made him flustered, for reasons unknown to her.

"I'm sorry," was all she could respond with.

At home, she showered and headed to bed quickly, though she was unable to sleep. Thoughts of the Koby Family ran through her mind, and she realize there was still much to learn about them. Sean, what is it about you and your father are you trying to keep from me? Why have you kept it from me? After what you've done, I deserve to know... At this last thought, she finally passed out.

[hillwalker]

I would dispense with 'How very ominous' because it sounds as if you (as the writer) are saying 'How very great this story is!'.
But if this is Charlie thinking to herself how ominous a turn events are taking then you need to make that clear to us.

I'll also admit that parts of this are a little ragged, plot-wise and style-wise - some typos and unfortunate repetitions. But if you are squeezing in these postings between other stuff it is inevitable the quality will suffer. Press on regardless.

H

[Madame]

Yeah, I realize how that specific line could be a little confusing, as well as the fact that it all sounds rushed. Sorry about that. ^-^U (like right now, I'm at school, so I can't sit there an edit properly without rushing, still) But I'll get to it as soooon as I possibly can. Probably later on this afternoon.

[hillwalker]

Yeah, I realize how that specific line could be a little confusing, as well as the fact that it all sounds rushed. Sorry about that. ^-^U (like right now, I'm at school, so I can't sit there an edit properly without rushing, still) But I'll get to it as soooon as I possibly can. Probably later on this afternoon.

What's the hurry? Take your time - your 'readers' are going nowhere.

H

[Madame]

Just posting so as to place my work on the first page. No major tests or papers, so I can edit my last post and write more later. Be prepared...