The Perfect Girl

[Jesterhead]

Imagine a brilliant white light,
flowing through your body,
Allowing you to drift off
To where dream and day unite...

Once she was... made of glass
Long ago before she cracked,
Once she was afraid of suicide
Long ago before she died....

Long ago she was praised, as the perfect teenage girl
Then one day she woke up to find
The perfect girl had lost her mind
And steadily declined, into her solitary shell.

I lie beside her fragile mind
Straying softly over her warm bosom
As I feel her tender lips
She loves me with a downcast eye.

I play the song that makes her grief
The deep bleeding tone,
She listens with a flitting blush
Gently as a perfumed sea.

Like time's own soul, fire draws me,
As the moon guides the sun
To where venus aligns with mars,
The light changes throughout the universe,

Changes to violet,
To overcome the great veil of dusk.
She breathes in a rhythmic pattern
As the morning blushes rosy red.

With concrete breath and dusty tears
She likes the way the new skin feels
A tree has grown in her breast, downward,
With branches growing out of her, like arms.

She speaks in verses, propehecies and curses,
Refuses to feed, so naive, Like a lovesick anorexic
Thinking she can fly, she will fall from the sky
With ten needles and a prayer, smearing sin everywhere.

Shapeless spirit wept in violet distress
She becomes one with the shade,
She seems a thing that cannot feel
The touch of earthly years

And even though she seems so high,
I know she cannot fly,
And when she falls from the sky
I will be standing by.

[hillwalker]

This is a phenomenal step up in readability and lyricism from some of your earlier postings. No more flowery language and archaic expressions, nor awkward rhymes.

It's a beautiful portrait of a certain girl, dense with imagery and contrasts. The kind of poem that deserves to be read three or four times in order to fully appreciate it.

H

[Hawkman]

Jester, this was a real pleasure to read. For the most part it flows beautifully and employs very strong imagery and you have some killer lines in here:

“She speaks in verses, prophecies and curses,”

“Shapeless spirit wept in violet distress”

Two of my personal favourites.

There is a glitch in the narrative structure though. You begin by looking back to:
“…before she died…”

Then in S4 you switch to present tense which jars for me as the reader. The rhythm is strong in this piece so the places where it falters do stand out. For the most part this is a fairly easy fix though. E.g. In S3 if you cut some words the flow is improved. I’ve also docked some unnecessary commas here.

“Long ago she was praised, as the perfect teenage girl
Then one day she woke to find
the perfect girl had lost her mind
And steadily declined, into her solitary shell.”

In S4 the two syllable, bosom might be better as the single syllable breast.

S5 fleeting would be better than flitting.

S6 & S7:

“Like time's own soul, fire draws to* me, (loose the to)
As the moon guides the sun
To where venus aligns with mars,
The light changes throughout the universe, (a comma is better here)

Changes to violet,
To overcome the great veil of dusk. (full stop here)
She breathes in a rhythmic pattern
As the morn* blushes rosy red. (2 syllable morning would fit the metre better)

S9:

She speaks in verses, prophecies and curses,
Refuses* to feed, so naive, Like a lovesick anorexic (Declines would be better, to fit the metre)
Thinking she can fly, she will fall from the sky
With ten needles and a prayer, smearing sin everywhere.

In S11 the use of 4 matching end rhymes is excessive. It gives the closing verse a contrived and slightly naïve finish. A couplet to close perhaps or two alternating ballad style rhymes perhaps, but you really don’t need to rhyme, as there is little rhyming in the preceding stanzas. You might even consider dropping this stanza altogether. Lastly, in this kind of poem, it might be easier to read if you dropped the capitalisation of the first letter of each line and just capitalised the first letters of new sentences and proper nouns.

Notwithstanding, this is a solid piece of work, and as hill says, a vast improvement on your early efforts. You are maturing in your poetry and it is a pleasure to watch you grow in confidence and ability. Thanks for sharing this.

Best, H

[Lokasenna]

A very striking and fascinating piece - you have some superb imagery here!

[Delta40]

Some fantastic lines in this poem

She loves me with a downcast eye.
She listens with a flitting blush
Gently as a perfumed sea
A tree has grown in her breast, downward,
With ten needles and a prayer, smearing sin everywhere
She seems a thing that cannot feel
The touch of earthly years

This poem is particularly strong as your subject spirals downwards and you willingness to catch her nevertheless. Breathtaking poem Jester

[Jesterhead]

Thanks Hillwalker, Hawkman, Lokasenna and Delta

The switch from past tense to present tense is on purpose since stanza 2 and 3 is 'long ago' it is her past about back when she was perfect before her decent into solitude. Then I change it to the present and put myself in it. I have changed some of the words and commas you mentioned to improve the flow.

I wrote the last stanza almost without even noticing the rhyme, it just rhymed and I do not want to cut it off because I think it is an important stanza telling about even though she is far out and seems to fly so high, I will always be there for her when she falls.

[dafydd manton]

You make the girl come alive, and I almost feel like I can speak with her, get to know her mind. Thank you.

[Jesterhead]

Thanks Dafydd I am glad you like it.