So About that Song

[NikolaiI]

So about that Song -
Angels sing as it hits your heart,
Every object in sight hums with it,
and all is basked in a glowing light.
It shines from your heart's source,
basking all in its glow;
Serene, triumphant, harmonious joy
radiates your being.

All are around the fire,
the circle is unbroken.
It's quiet, all are listening now.

The circle is unbroken,
and "All is light and love."

It's that Song you rarely hear,
it's quiet in every thing.
But you hear it,
as your whole being radiates light,

The quiet, supreme peace,
knowing that all is connected.
What darkness is there?
The Song is heard everywhere.

The rest is finished -
it was finished a thousand years ago.
You know it is finished, and you see it is gone,
It's finished and gone a thousand years.

And your whole being knows this peace and love,
and how can you share it? How can you tell of this light?
But you know the circle is unbroken,
as that Song fills your ears.

[NikolaiI]

It's a poem I wrote... it's rewritten, because I wrote it in my head and then forgot the words.

It's real, though, I wish I could have written the true words as they came to me, but this is just a rewriting.

The Song is real, though... it's endless, bright, beautiful, comes in endless waves. And, the circle is unbroken. You'll know when you hear.

[NikolaiI]

I know. I failed it. I don't care. The poem came to me, all the words, perfectly... they slipped by and I tried to write it down but it wasn't good.

All I can say is I hope you one day understand! :)

[Haunted]

I'm still hearing your other poem You could say, there's no Song in my head, this seems so different....

[tailor STATELY]

I am sorry I read this so late.

You do have quite a work in progress; a definite gem in the rough.

As a critique I would ask you to continue to work on this poem as it offers many possibilities to explore. Punch up the verse - unleash your word skills.

Your very first line might be redundant - the title so close by. I've used the same devise in many of my humble writings and still ruminate over changing them.

Your penultimate verse seems awkward and out of place IMHO; the last verse a bit weak also.

That being said:
From an LDS point of view I found a spiritual joy when reading your poem.

While on my ongoing scripture study, very recently, a couple of passages gave me pause to wonder, that which your poem brings to mind:
As the people watched, angels came down from heaven and encircled the children. The children and the angels were surrounded by fire
Context: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=f756c106dac20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=e36d5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

... and a few chapters later:
And behold, they were encircled about as if it were by fire; and it came down from heaven, and the multitude did witness it, and did bear record; and angels did come down out of heaven and did minister unto them.
Context: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/3_ne/19/14#14

I had a lucid dream once of angels singing that inspired me to transcribe their simple song of joy as best I could, knowing I too must have missed much in remembrance; yielding a modest poem-like scribble and a number of musical variations for the piano. I still have a desire to receive further inspiration for a more complete work. An experience like that is hard to ignore or forget.

I hope you continue to work on this piece and look not froward, but forward, to seeing your polished poem.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[PrinceMyshkin]

So about that Song -
Angels sing as it hits your heart,
Every object in sight hums with it,
and all is basked in a glowing light.
It shines from your heart's source,
basking all in its glow;
Serene, triumphant, harmonious joy
radiates your being.

All are around the fire,
the circle is unbroken.
It's quiet, all are listening now.

The circle is unbroken,
and "All is light and love."

It's that Song you rarely hear,
it's quiet in every thing.
But you hear it,
as your whole being radiates light

Would you possibly consider ending here, which is such a resonant line, whereas everything after it felt like a mere repetition with variations of what had come before.

[NikolaiI]

Prince and Tailor, thank you so much for your kindness in replying. A friend told me that this got some more replies but I forgot to look at it when I got back. T.S. I really appreciate your saying I should keep working on this and I will. Yes, Prince, that is quite a good idea, and I may do that, but I think I will try to rewrite it also, and try to get it to work.

I have to go now but I'll reply to the rest of your message soon T.S.

[Silas Thorne]

I've been going away and coming back to this. Wonderful. At first I was not sure whether you wanted feedback, or just wanted to share something that at heart you felt you could not express. Personally, however you reorganise this poem, I'm hoping you don't lose the:
'And your whole being knows this peace and love,
and how can you share it? How can you tell of this light?'
Perhaps it could end in this way, or with something similar. I just think your two comments after the poem are essential to this song and your description of the Song itself. Maybe my mind is getting in the way of things.
I'm sorry also that I can only hear the Neville Brothers singing 'Will the circle be unbroken' whenever it comes up in this poem. That song won't leave my head. Although that message is almost certainly a completely different one.

[NikolaiI]

Thanks Silas.

Okay, still haven't done any more work on the poem, but if I take Prince's suggestion, this is what it would look like:

[NikolaiI]

So about that Song -
Angels sing as it hits your heart,
Every object in sight hums with it,
and all is basked in a glowing light.
It shines from your heart's source,
basking all in its glow;
Serene, triumphant, harmonious joy
radiates your being.

All are around the fire,
the circle is unbroken.
It's quiet, all are listening now.

The circle is unbroken,
and "All is light and love."

It's that Song you rarely hear,
it's quiet in every thing.
But you hear it,
as your whole being radiates light.

[Haunted]

This shorter version is much more focused and luminous! It's refreshing how you express a song visually in light and shape.