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View Full Version : fearless(this is my first story)



icecold151
10-03-2010, 03:07 AM
Wow, I thought this day would never come. A day where my dreams and everything come true, it has been a dream to serve my country, it has been an honor to be able to serve my country, only if the circumstances where better last year Canada was in a cold war with Russia until the US joined and starred up the hornets nest and Russia attacked with the backing of china I never seen this coming I mean im just a high school student. On my way home from school some guy with a parachute landed just beside me not knowing what is was I asked him. He had a gun and a Russian flag on his uniform so I quickly took him down with anything I had and realized there are Russian troops falling everywhere I knew this was an invasion I also knew that this is going to be something im going to have to get involved in.






I run home hoping to see if my mom and brother have heard of whets going on and of course they did, they said we are leaving and heading east so I go down with them to the car and I say I left something upstairs I will catch up, my plan worked I was going to stay behind and try to face them on my own you all are probley thinking im crazy at this point but to tell you the truth im sort of excited. I get up to the top floor of my building and with the Russian AK-47 I had and I observed they set up a command base and the mall, I knew I had to lay low for a while. I barricade the door and call my mom to let her know I was staying after an hour of talking to her I hung up and continued to barricade the door and just at that second I heard Russian soldiers coming towards my door, I panic run into my room and hide in my closet I mean its better then nothing right. I hear them walk in and they are speaking in Russian. At that point I wish that I learned Russian. They start going through everything in my house tearing up everything, I peak around the corner to see how many there where and to my luck there was two, I have no idea how to use this rifle I switch to single shot and then I see if there was a safety and there was so I take that off and then I realize when I aiming my barrel down at them that I hold the power between life and death I pull the trigger and hit both of them center mass, I was hoping for a head shot but for a kid who has never shot a gun before and hits them with two bullets I considered my self a all-star. I run over and I realize what happens if I start collecting dog tags they might be worth something later in the war. I find ammo the thing that will keep me alive that and a large pair of balls. My plan now is to finish barricading my door and two hours later it’s done I plan my next move funny thing is I have no idea what that would be.







The time is 10:51pm local time and im sitting here watching the city go into complete military lockdown, My hope is that everyone made it out and if they didn’t that there still alive somewhere, I go to sleep and wake up in the morning and then something hits me I have no food it was taken by my mom, **** im thinking to myself where can I go and get food there is no place that will allow me to get food there all under military control. I notice that people are walking around and getting food then I realize that I can go and still get food because they don’t know what ive done. I go down the elevator and walk out the door. Wow tanks and jeeps and soldiers and jets it’s amazing, I walk down to the super market and everything there is Russian, I find some food that I know only by there packaging because the names are even in Russian. I go up to the front counter and start paying for my food and then I walk out, I look above me and I see a CF-18 super hornet being chased by a few su-27’s and the xf-18 shot all three down and flew east, now I know where a safe zone is but im not finished here in BC. I go home and put my food away then I hear someone in my washroom and I go check, I am scared at this point because the bodies of the two Russian soldiers I killed earlier , I quickly grab my AK and aim it towards the bathroom door and it opens I run over there and instead of my gun I pull out a knife and I grab the person who is in there by the arm and out comes a bloody Canadian pilot, I quickly grab him and rest him on the couch get him some water he drinks and starts talking to me about what is going on and he told me that Russia is pushing east and that BC will be taken out when there done here, he also told me about a resistance group that is in hiding in some old community centre not to far away from my location I help him up and he changes his cloths and then we walk to the community centre and we meet some American who is willing to let me join if I kill two Russian soldiers, I look in my bag and I find dog tags and hand it to him, the look on his face when he saw those was priceless, apparently I killed a Russian major and a Russian general, when I heard that I was completely shocked and just couldn’t believe it, that I a high school student had killed a general. I walk in to this room and too my surprise I see over 300 guys in there unarmed but part of the resistance., they applaud me when I walk in for killing a general I take a bow and listen to what the head of the resistance has to say and I was happy that I would not be alone.

I learn how to make, plant, and defuse explosives and I learn that within three days. We will do small attacks too piss
them off and then a final attack with US, Canadian, and resistance forces. We start by attacking a small outpost east of the community centre. Its 10:49pm and we arrive at the outpost. I plant C4 that I made on a ammo crate and other places within the base that was plan B. Plan A however was a total take over of the outpost and we attack catching everyone off guard it was funny because we stormed a guard tent and there is a Russian soldier looking at porn the funniest thing I’ve seen in my life. I grab him and cuff him and throw him in another tent with 15 other guys and the outpost is ours, I get promoted to captain and I get to be called sir, what an achievement. The next attack is an ambush of a convoy full of food, drinks, Ammo, and supplies. We hit it hard and we take it over within minutes. I take a look up on a hill and I see a Russian sniper and I aim my rifle down and take him out after five bullets. We are excited because there has to be $3,000 worth of food and drinks. We take everything and burn the entire convoy. The next mission however would be something I never saw coming and it would change how I look at the war forever.
Our next mission is a snatch and grab to capture a high ranking Russian official. We get in a helicopter and fly to city hall. We land and get out two block away from city hall and the second we get into the parking lot a spotlight shines down on us and a machine gun starts ripping us apart and there is no cover I’m looking around and I saw a kid on his first day get cut down by the turret. And I run as fast as I can to try to get away and I slip in a puddle because it rained the night before. The turret missed me again and just as I get up I see a f-18 hornet come and unload into city hall killing everyone inside and around except the two of us that survived, there were ten of us when this started. The parking lot was paved before the war and now its like a river of blood running through the parking lot. I realize that this isn’t a game and that this isn’t easy. I walk back with two of them on my back because I hate to leave someone behind especially after something like that. They get sent to some place where I don’t even know and a place where I don’t plan to go anytime soon. Word comes down that the final attack to defeat the Russians is going to start in four days and I get three days off. I use that to reflect on those guys that died and even the Russian soldiers that I have killed because once you see something like the city hall incident, you have to respect everyone. I also realized that the Russian soldiers are just following orders like I am. Oh well I have to prepare for the final attack because I know everything I learned would be put to the test that day.


The day has arrived of the final attack and I am ready hear what im going to be attacking or helping and my job is the base at the mall. Me and eighty other guys head to the mall and the Russians spot us and the fight begins, there is also an air battle above us so the sound of jets flying sort of masks the sound of machine guns going off. After three days of fighting for the mall we have won and with one casualty that is ok with us none would be better but whatever. The sound of a Canadian platoon needing assistance, we respond and flank the Russians who are in the bushes. We massacre them and at the end of the battle we found out that at the mall we killed over 300 soldiers that amazing for us. The country is slowly rebuilding itself and a guy with fought with me is asking me “so when are we going to Moscow” and I respond with “when the country is ready.” The war is over well at least here it is and I can finally rest.

hillwalker
10-03-2010, 06:43 AM
You seem to have been swept up in the excitement of the plot.

From the sidelines where I'm sitting there's a lot happening in such a short story. We go from all out war to peace again in just 5 paragraphs. And we don't really get to grips with any part of the plot or your characters because everything goes past in such a blur.

In terms of style - your sentences are much too long. Look at this one -

I run home hoping to see if my mom and brother have heard of whets going on and of course they did, they said we are leaving and heading east so I go down with them to the car and I say I left something upstairs I will catch up, my plan worked I was going to stay behind and try to face them on my own you all are probley thinking im crazy at this point but to tell you the truth im sort of excited.

You need to take a breather and break it down into shorter bite-sized chunks.

Also the plot is far-fetched, which is fine if it has some basis in reality.

Would people really behave this way if the situation actually happened? Hardly likely.
Suspending reality is ok. But suspending belief is another matter, and having the schoolboy hero behave in such a way is impossible to swallow so makes it rather less fun to read. It's like 'Arnold Scwarzenneger''s Schooldays' - ok for some blockbuster movie but laughable when it comes to a short story.
Perhaps you need to cut down on the computer games and think more about characterisation based on real people rather than cartoons.

As it stands it could probably be adapted to a graphic novel, but I think it would have worked better if your hero had arrived home from school as if it was a normal day - only to find his mother and brother had disappeared and the TV news announcing a state of emergency. Then we could watch how he coped on his own, and perhaps joined up with some freedom fighters.

BUT at least you had fun, and for a first story it's a worthwhile effort. Good for you.

H

Delta40
10-03-2010, 06:57 AM
I agree that the sentences are a little too long and make reading the story fast paced. It deprives one of the opportunity to submerge into the story. But also, your excitement is apparent and that is a good sign for further writing.

icecold151
10-04-2010, 03:48 AM
Thanks guys, and to be honest I spent like and hour and a half and it has just been a thought of mine

icecold151
11-07-2010, 07:49 AM
I realize that this is highly unlikely but I was just experimenting with this type of topic and I rarley play video games..... its just something i think I would do in that situtation but i know thats probabley unlikely so thanks for taking the time to read it.