Passing By.

[Jerrybaldy]

We had the seat by the window
wet with condensation and lit by neon,
dribbles exposing each passer by
rushing God knows where in the rain.
You lifted you glass of pinot
to stain it with your scarlet red
like a DNA test
complete with lip print.
The waiter stumbled up
asked if we were ready.
You said piss off and come back
with another bottle.
I listened more to the rain on the window
than your scarlet lipstick words
but I felt your stilleto
caress, then stab, my leg.
You looked beautiful
but I was never about to tell you.
I felt a pathetic man
and you told me all about it.
My every achievement
my barrister heights
were nothing compared
to my lust.
I was a walking hard on
a slave to you
and a traitor to both
of our families.
You sucked the pate off your toast
gave a mascara wink
and strutted
to powder your nose.
I knew when I opened
the cubicle door
you would be bent over
demanding and ready.
I took you, wrapped my arms around you.
You told me how weak I was.
I pushed your head down
that ceramic white bowl.
I flushed til you choked
then left you spluttering,
shouting 'bastard',
unresplendent in wet tissues.
I walked out to the street
lit a smoke and inhaled.
People still rushing by
going God knows where.
You walked through the restaraunt
dripping toilet water
slinging your wet hair over your shoulder,
sneering at onlookers.
Outside we met
you spat in my face
kissed your spit from my lips
and we joined those passing by.

[hillwalker]

Mhmm.

Yet again I felt this got derailed somewhere along the line after the half-way point - possibly in your attempt to shock, or perhaps reflect the grittier side of life in all its splendour.

There are some brilliantly observed lines here without a doubt - but I can't engage with either character once she finishes her pate and toast. It seemed to end up a cross between Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares (or whatever) and Emmanuelle.

Perhaps I have led a more sheltered life than I thought :-)

H

[zoolane]

I like it but I thought was about affair obvious head down toilet changed my point view.

[Jerrybaldy]

I am probably going through a stage :D

[Jerrybaldy]

Not sure how sheltered it was Hill, I once shared a moment with a lady in a nightclub toilet, though I never pulled the flush :)

[hillwalker]

Glad to hear it - hope you didn't leave the seat up!

[Haunted]

This is really good the way in which you show us the lowlights of the high life.

[Jerrybaldy]

I dont go out of my way to shock as I feel a room full of poets should be pretty much unshockable, but I do take a certain pleasure that would be obvious by now, in trying to never censor myself. Im not saying that makes good reading, but it feels liberating from a selfish point of view. I could not write like this for any other audience so I make the most of it. Every piece is tomorrows garbage.

[hillwalker]

Every piece is tomorrows garbage.

Now now, young sir. There's garbage, and there's garbage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as unshockable as they come - but being subtle can often produce more of a shock than being in-your-face. Think Hitchcock versus Romero - Alfred always beats George hands down in my mind.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

agreed. but didnt think this was shockjock at all. thought it was told plainly and that the content was hardly shocking. I dont think this would have worked with a subtle touch as the subject was never extreme enough to warrent the subtlety.

[hillwalker]

Ok. But was it meant to be just a straightforward description of a sexual encounter or were you trying to explore the theme of 'rough love' for want of a better term?

Apologies for getting so in-depth. It's that in-depth time of morning.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

To be completely honest Hill. It was neither. I wrote the first line and all that followed with no intention and no understanding of where it was going and kept going until the last. I had nothing to say, no point to make, it just went from scene to scene until it reached the last one. Truely, tomorrows garbage :)