Friends

[zoolane]

Friendship.

We are best friend.
She had being with me through thick and thin.
We got in to some stickly situations in all manner of places.

But later, she being different, weird sort of way.
She hasn't come round for while.
I see her in school, all blink up.

She walked over to me with smile.
I asked her ''why have be near or by or text me?''
She relpy 'I've being busy sorry''.

I wonder if her mum won the lottery or something.
I am sure I am turn green with envy, I started feeling jealous.
Then she pull me into the girls' toilets in block a.

She quick check see if anyone else in toilets.
I started to wonder why she act weird.
She start to have giggle fit, then she said ''do really want to know what being do''.

I said 'well yeah, she reply '' this is a secret you must promise not tell''.
I eagerly nod yes then she said ''I have being seen somene''
''anyone I know'' I answer and she laugh again.

She said '' no Hes man is later 20s''



I hope in while their should be 2nd part to poem.

[Skia]

I hope there is a second part, I want to know what a schoolgirl is doing with a man in his late 20's!!
Good poem :)

[Jerrybaldy]

I had no idea where you were going with this zoo. Your sentence structure is bizzare and yet somehow it always adds to my enjoyment of reading your poetry. Regardless of syntax, you always keep me reading and enjoying.
best wishes to you
Jerry

[zoolane]

Strange Friendship.

I was take met this mystery man.
He was 5ft, medium built but dress casual.
So overall he seem quite nice apart from age the thing.

My friend started act weird as she was doing what he told to do.
Which not normal for her, then to my horror she started smoking.
It look like it was roll up, well so I though.

The room got mist from the smoking.
She went all hype and start dance round room.
Then he got up and put me toward him.

He had me cuddle in to hes arm, her in the other arm.
My head was spinning so was room by now.
I felt he hand move up my thigh, oddly I felt relax.

I had my first ever snog with him.
My friend did not remind.
It was time go.

As we were leave, he give me necklace said ''now pretty and why was I model''.
I feel strange in nice way,
I know he lots older then us but make us feel really special.

[zoolane]

I had no idea where you were going with this zoo. Your sentence structure is bizzare and yet somehow it always adds to my enjoyment of reading your poetry. Regardless of syntax, you always keep me reading and enjoying.
best wishes to you
Jerry

Thank you for comment, well all start from ''The Streetlamp'' it got me thing about now young naive let said schoolgirl get to that point of be on street corner and point view of the pimp, friendship she had with friend and now got introduced to the pimp.

[Haunted]

I like both of them. The first one seems to be lacking in something, like it shouldn't end the way it did. Maybe the punch line is the guy being in his late 20's? But we have no idea how old those girls are, so it's hard to make a judgement. The second one is believable and honest.

[zoolane]

I like both of them. The first one seems to be lacking in something, like it shouldn't end the way it did. Maybe the punch line is the guy being in his late 20's? But we have no idea how old those girls are, so it's hard to make a judgement. The second one is believable and honest.

Thank you for comment Haunted, 1st is when girl is rough 11/12 and next one is 13/14. I understand about 1st poem it more trail and error to see if work.

[Haunted]

Oh now it all makes sense, zoo. I got it. The first one is cool, if you just indicate their age, it'll be dynamite.

[zoolane]

I wish...........

I wish knew were I was go to.
I wish knew what is to come of me.
I wish knew what my purpose in life is.

I wish I could write queen english.
I wish I could have more self control when I am nervous.
I wish I could better role model for children,

I wish I had different life, when I was young.
I wish I had loves parents all time that they were alive.
I wish I had..................

[hillwalker]

The two together are a rivetting read - and there's something about the way you are able to describe it from a young child's perspective that makes it seem more authentic.

BUT.... it would be more effective if you told us a little less and showed us a little more.

For example, we don't need that first verse of the second part - his height and the way he was dressed are completely irrelevant. If you cut that bit out of the poem it doesn't make it any less enjoyable or informative. Sometimes after writing something it's possible to take out those bits that helped you write it in the first place but that are no longer needed.

What you should be showing us is how the young girls felt to be treated like grown-ups for once. I'm sure you know exactly how they felt... and I imagine that's the key to the power he had over them.

ok - I'm being tough on you - but I know you can handle it :-)

Best. H

[zoolane]

Ok I accept your challenge give while night/tomorrow I see what can up with.

[hillwalker]

Good for you - and I've just seen the additional poem you posted while I was rambling on.

Give yourself a break - we all have baggage left over from our childhood, and sometimes it's quite exciting not to know what's round the next corner. From what I can see you're still growing as a person and your increasing confidence will help you realise life is less daunting than you imagine (and your kids will pick up on that vibe, trust me).

H

[zoolane]

Today I felt special for 1 time in long time.
I missed that time with my dad, he used make feel special to.
Mr x make me feel warm inside.
I am glowing with bright light all round me,
I can do anything I want (only he said ''yes'').
I feel like dancing in rain with glee.

I am only one at feel like this in world.
I am on floating cloud 9.

[hillwalker]

You're getting closer..... there were good parts in the previous poem about how the room seemed to spin and how relaxed he made you feel, and there are good bits in this latest one about glowing and wanting to dance in the rain.

But perhaps you need to take all these poems apart and combine them into a tighter piece about how easy it is for a young girl to have her head turned by an older man.

And don't feel pressurised to rush it.... it will take time to get it just right. What do you think?

[zoolane]

I think it good is idea it will help take my mind of English homework.