Street Lamp

[zoolane]

She in the public toilet.
She make herself look lovely.
It cold outside but she goes anyway.
She stand under the street lamp on corner.
Smile that the passers by in their cars.
Dark car stop under the street lamp.
And said' are you free'.
She said 'yes' getting into the dark car.
Desert car park is were seedy act take place.
Condom is disregard in a tissue and money is exchange.
She is drop off under the street lamp again.
She decides to visit a friend.
At friends she ask if any 'coke round'.
Friend relpy 'yes' and money, coke is exchange.
She gets the white powder and spead it across table.
Use her rent card, she put white stuff in to lines.
She lend forward, hold on nostril and sniff with other.
The white fairy stuff is gone from table.
She leave and going back to her street lamp again.

[hillwalker]

You paint a very sad picture of the way of life taken by many a woman down on her luck, or lost inside the seedier shadows of modern society.

I thought the description of her using her rent card to line up her coke was very ironic - money that could have been spent on securing a roof over her head wasted on drugs.

Personally I think the more sordid details like the condom and the tissue actually weaken the impact of the piece, although they are accurate and relevant to the whole story of her night's activities.

It is the little observations like the rent card that really strike home; how she makes herself pretty in the public toilets (instead of in her own bedroom) or how she calls to see a friend (not on a social call but to get her fix).

Can you see what I'm getting at? These are things that your readers are more likely to engage with.

But its a powerful poem, and definitely one of your bettr ones.

H

[dafydd manton]

The seamier side of life, and the depths people will go to, to score!! Neatly done. Oddly, (and I hesitate to say this), I don't entirely agree with Hill about the disposal of certain items, it seemed to make it more matter-of-fact, colder, part of the "business" But I certainly agree that it is an excellent poem.

[Haunted]

The vicious cycle that grips those who live and work on the streets. What's worse is it's a closed cycle for most of them. This poem depicts both the sordidness and misery of these girls. Outstanding.

[zoolane]

You paint a very sad picture of the way of life taken by many a woman down on her luck, or lost inside the seedier shadows of modern society.

I thought the description of her using her rent card to line up her coke was very ironic - money that could have been spent on securing a roof over her head wasted on drugs.

Personally I think the more sordid details like the condom and the tissue actually weaken the impact of the piece, although they are accurate and relevant to the whole story of her night's activities.

It is the little observations like the rent card that really strike home; how she makes herself pretty in the public toilets (instead of in her own bedroom) or how she calls to see a friend (not on a social call but to get her fix).

Can you see what I'm getting at? These are things that your readers are more likely to engage with.

But its a powerful poem, and definitely one of your bettr ones.

H

Thank you for all comments, H, Haunted and Dafy

I can understand what getting at H, gentle, more ironic and simple everyday items are more easy to identify with.

[zoolane]

The seamier side of life, and the depths people will go to, to score!! Neatly done. Oddly, (and I hesitate to say this), I don't entirely agree with Hill about the disposal of certain items, it seemed to make it more matter-of-fact, colder, part of the "business" But I certainly agree that it is an excellent poem.

Dafy apart agree with you, sometime in easy to disguise act of sex devaition,just by the suggest on it.

But me be me blunt as ever.

[Skia]

The life that I can't understand.
Why women reject themselves,
why they have lost all hope
in life.
I hope they one day,
they see the light in the street lamp
and never to see it again,
for they will need no lamp
when they shine all their own.

[zoolane]

The life that I can't understand.
Why women reject themselves,
why they have lost all hope
in life.
I hope they one day,
they see the light in the street lamp
and never to see it again,
for they will need no lamp
when they shine all their own.

That great and follow on nice, gentle from mine is more hard hitting.

[Skia]

Oui oui!
Loved it Zoo, Once again you write well! :)

[dafydd manton]

Oh, if only some could see that sex and love are so totally different. One can be sordid, as this thread shows, but the other sings the songs of angels!!

[zoolane]

Obsession

You are going to mine.
Even I have to put my mark on you.
By ink or with my blade up against your neck.

You're young,naive and stupid.
I think that I grow man.
Could ever love you.

I will get you hook on me.
I shower you with lavish presents and promise love.
As you fall for me and with your parents seperated.

Here my chance to introduce to you.
Your new medication.
It inject in to your arm.
In to your arm it goes up vein and your eyes rollup.
You addiction to me and new medication.

Now you belong to me

[Delta40]

I find these poems difficult to comment on. Your writing style is oddly apt and I agree about the irony of using her rent card. Platitudes in the face of cold hard truths are unrealistic so I don't think endings like Skia's nice offering would do your writing any justice. Your writing is powerful enough to expose something for what it is and nothing more

[hillwalker]

Zoo, you write in a very unique style - but also you never judge those people you write about or try to put your own thoughts into their heads.

You allow the readers to reach their own conclusions.

Some will turn away, preferring not to look too closely. Some like Skia will be inspired to write a sympathetic poem wishing to put the character into a better world. And some of us (older) cynics will go damn, another needless waste of life.

You've got talent... but you probably don't realise it.

H

[zoolane]

I find these poems difficult to comment on. Your writing style is oddly apt and I agree about the irony of using her rent card. Platitudes in the face of cold hard truths are unrealistic so I don't think endings like Skia's nice offering would do your writing any justice. Your writing is powerful enough to expose something for what it is and nothing more

Thank you for your comment Delta, for some reason I find easy to write poems from dark side,
with some hard facts, home truths about life.
I am sure not what that suggest about my life or past.

[zoolane]

Zoo, you write in a very unique style - but also you never judge those people you write about or try to put your own thoughts into their heads.

You allow the readers to reach their own conclusions.

Some will turn away, preferring not to look too closely. Some like Skia will be inspired to write a sympathetic poem wishing to put the character into a better world. And some of us (older) cynics will go damn, another needless waste of life.

You've got talent... but you probably don't realise it.

H

Hi H,
Well I admit as teenager I did stereo type people, as teenager I saw many things and did lots stuff. As I got older, I decide it is wrong judge people who never met before.
I have seen teennagers, young adults, middle aged people and 60 year old, have major event happen in their life and spiral out control or open old problems.

Talent hmmm still not convince but I have got unique way of write and about subject matters.

[zoolane]

Why??

What did I do wrong?
Why do they not love me?
Why did my mum leave me?
My father is work all time and drink lot.

Why do I feel so unloved?
Please someone help me.
My friend as the later trainers and phone.
Why can't I have them things to.
Her parents must love her so much.

My friend tell me' that she in love with men'
He the one that brough her all things.
I met him, he is nice and he said' will look after me'.

That last I feel loved.

[hillwalker]

This asks some hard-hitting questions about how a child perceives love - is it measured in how much money a parent spends on them or how much time spent with them.

And there's a very sinister ending to this - where perhaps a child is being groomed by a grown-up with something other than altruistic motives.

I just think the opening couple of verses are not particularly helpful in developing the theme you end up exploring. The questions read rather like a list of cliches - especially as we are not given any answers. And the detail about the father never being at home because he works and drinks doesn't add anything to the impact of the piece.

I reckon doing away with the first 6 lines then focussing more on her friend's posessions - and how her parents appear to show her love - then discovering she got them elsewhere is going to make this more interesting.

And the title? Why? That's what I was thinking..... oops.

H

[zoolane]

Thank you I was try show young child feel that begin of their parents break -up but I will have go at the child, friend, grow up friend relationship.

If you go to page 1, I try answer your comment about previous poem.

[hillwalker]

Thank you I was try show young child feel that begin of their parents break

Yes. I gathered that - but perhaps there's no need to show it right at the start. Otherwise what you really have is two separate poems joined together which doesn't really work.

It might be more effective if she discovers her flawed relationship is still better than one her friend has which is based on gifts bought by some sleaze-bag.

and


If you go to page 1, I try answer your comment about previous poem.

I did see this. And you know we all have our own opinions about what we think makes good poetry and what doesn't. You've got a talent for geting to the nitty-gritty. It just needs a little retouching here and there. :-)

H

[Jerrybaldy]

I think streetlamp is your strongest piece of work this far, zoo.
JB