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gruntingslime
09-27-2010, 12:42 PM
What it’s like to see yourself and not know what to do

It is funny that my worthiest experience was brought on by the hands of another person.

I was working at Collective-Share by the wall spot, on three computers. I could only keep a track of three base portfolios, and they were only for three of the other guys working down the hall, who I was not supposed to meet. They weren’t supposed to know me either. It was a rule to only know the people outside, and keep it out of work hours. So during the day I was confronted with three scrolls of screen that ran ever flowing thickets of descriptions and details.

Forest Whitaker, same name as the actor. Maybe it was him? Sitting in his lonely gray booth, feet dangling off the edge of a stool, staring dumbly at the words: Morgan J. Spitzer,


A catalogue of white dresses and weekends at the manor
with a band of pirouettes.

Really? This man? He would sit, somewhere down the hall behind a tinted window, just a silhouette of a thing, surely in the posture of his descendancy the frogs. But that’s just the way I saw it, in the foggy and mottled mirror provided on the backs of our door.

But where was I? I was excited. At first sight I knew she would alter my destiny and wind me up in an adventure where defeat meant monotony. She was older than my grandmother, yet she had remained a person. She had a look in her eye like the world was fire and she was searching the eternal light. Her hands were burnt and scored by age. She wore a scrapbook of articles and accessories scattered over her person, and she carried a bag. It was not an ordinary bag, not from my point of view at least. In this bag was the final remnants of everything she owned.

I was drawn towards her. She held herself bright and young, inquisitive. She was clean and still held a fresh and open gaze on the world, but I knew she didn’t have any home, for it would bring her down. “Where do you live?”
Was the first thing I said to her.

She did not answer, she was laughing at me. I took it as a good sign, I hadn’t caused any offence in my sudden affront.

My first inclination was that I had become lost. There was nothing I could learn from this woman after all, because she was taking me on. Her fingers had snapped on the back of my neck and we were walking on the grass, coming up to a busy intersection. And “where do we go now?” was the only thing I could think of.

“You don’t need me.” said the woman. “Go on, go.” and she pushed me off. I kept tramping, looking over my shoulder at the back of her retreat in clear sight.

Well alright, I’ll just go home, I thought. And I did, I ended up in bed biting my lip on a full stomach.

The next day, while I was taking the train to work, I noticed the sad sour smell, like sniffing an onion of soap—something pitiful was in the air. I was sitting straight, with my eyes on the back of my chair when the perfume hit. A woman was overburdened, or a child had become lost, sliced away from his parents by the swift doors of the train and carried away into the unknown. A man, beat up and left without a dream in his pocket and nothing but the shag on his chin and the stink of his breath—

I opened my eyes, ready to jump up and sweep in to the rescue. Then I realized that there was I, sitting on a chair across, a big frown swept my mug, and I was aghast by it. The first thought that hit me was, this is not a doppelganger, I’m not hallucinating, this is the guy in the booth.

gruntingslime
10-05-2010, 10:14 AM
Ha ha, yes. If anyone is actually reading this. I am interested in it from a personal view. It's not the latest thing I've done or by any means the best, I just had it in my mind that it was a part of myself I wanted to exhibit. In my writing there can be a diversity of styles and thoughts. The main reason I allow this to exist is because there was a genuine feeling behind all of the gobbledygook...

A lot of my writing has become highly personalized lately. I am exploring some creative routes that hopefully will relate to the world of others and their experiences.

hillwalker
10-05-2010, 06:31 PM
Intriguing more than anything. There are some good touches, some memorable images and a great deal of originality. Perhaps the plot is a bit unclear (assuming this is meant to have a plot) but the piece is highly readable.

I wasn't so keen on your declaration aimed at the reader suggesting insights into your mode of creativity.

Your writing either has to stand or fall on its own merits rather than rely on some kind of blurb. And in this instance it stands and looks the reader right in the eye.

H

gruntingslime
10-05-2010, 06:32 PM
Yes, perhaps I need a bit of a scolding.

Delta40
10-05-2010, 06:42 PM
Have a scold from me. I am a little unclear about the tale - the parts I'm not sure about occur at the beginning. A brief interaction with a woman in some dream like state, it seems and the subsequent 'knowledge' triggered by smells....nice writing - I just need some clarity (but that's me and maybe not another!)

gruntingslime
10-05-2010, 09:47 PM
It's definitely not just you. I haven't shown this to that many people but it's met with much scorn even beyond what I usually get from my writing.

It's like Hillwalker said, that the piece must stand at itself. I am willing to accept failure, and actually would like to experience that right now on a grand scale... I am in a strange mood.

Delta40
10-05-2010, 10:00 PM
I wouldn't use the term 'failure' here. Just add a few more lines here and there to help guide the reader. Your writing style is definitely good.

hillwalker
10-06-2010, 06:45 AM
I agree with Delta - it's not a failure just because your writing doesn't quite engage with the reader - unless the writing is poor quality or lazy or sloppy. Your writing is none of these.

You have found a certain style, and if you are content with that then use it to your advantage to convert the reader to your way of thinking - rather than giving in and welcoming 'scorn' as you put it.

One would think you were writing merely to attract a negative response - surely that isn't the case?

H

RTL
10-06-2010, 07:52 AM
I, too, enjoy your writing style. Your creativity reminds me of a David Lynch film: vague enough to allow the reader/viewer to make assumptions, but still conveying a strong story. Because of that, I feel that you're a confident writer. You write in a way where you can create that kind of surrealism without fearing that the reader might miss it—something I feel a lot of writers wouldn't do for that very reason, but works well if the story is good enough.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I enjoyed it!

gruntingslime
10-06-2010, 08:06 AM
It seems as though I will not yet face an absolute. I understand what you are all saying, and it is good that it is this way, not for matters of my creation but for creativity in general...

I did feel something, as I said, while writing this piece, something very specific... yet I think I have yet to create anything (in any medium) that has blown up, not that I yearn for fame at 21, but even catching a face full of soot would be an experience at this point.

I shall find myself in the dizzy days of my throat a little longer.

Now do not make me cry, and I shall think of renovating Brier Breer just a little, though I shall need to look over my shoulder for there are those that watch me and they ask for no less then cake heads—and much more they ask too, yet mundane... and I will be seeing myself in a distant mirror clad in gray. Of course that is no threat, for I am my one and only, and I would give me a spank and my eye would 'atwinkle, just for me... yes I know it's sad, but everything is sad... I shall not break my word about Brier Breer, yet he was never a promse...


[Is it affected? What's wrong with this man? It is! It is! And yet I cannot stop... I have built myself a box, nay, the box has grown out from the floorboards, from the dirt of the woods, the dust of my mind has solidified. I am here before you a stale child and the messenger of premature decrepitude.]

Delta40
10-06-2010, 08:47 AM
no soot forthcoming at this stage. You will have to write at a poorer level to get that award!

gruntingslime
10-06-2010, 09:14 AM
We shall see.