StormWatch

[zoolane]

I am sitting here on the strong Chestnut tree, steaded myself on the branch, watching earth beneath me for my supper and anticipate what night will bring. Stretching me wings in case I have to take fly, twisting my neck to and fro.

From distance, I see storm clouds gathering with livid grey, angry, violence waiting to rage the skyline. It looks like someone is play tug of war with clouds, to pull them towards to middle of a whirlwind.

Colours lighten up the sky like bonfire night, with purple,pink illumination across the heavens, winds rattled through noble Birchs, legendary Oaks, radiant Willows, hearty Chestnut and superb Pines.

The uprising thunder send rumbling across night sky, crossfire of lightning and brief down pour. Silence gust of wind blew at me, smelt of scorching those fascinate trees and it heartbreaking to point of murder.

Surge white light desending across dark sky, like spear had thrown down from atmosphere the beyond earth. Creaking, snapping,twisting as Oak falling from grace. I am positive, I could heard her screaming, wailed as she hits forest floor. She being struck down middle, halved in processes and left with scar to match.

Wood is slow smoulding and blistering way, heat ignite small fire worked it way up bark to lushs leafs, murky puff smoke relevant up to join storm. Stench is unbearable but imperative that stay here on my branch.

Advances blazes with it tangerine, copper and lemon glow, taking leap in to the unknow and landed on stooping Willow. In abrupt second the long slender dark spinach leafs, toasted intensity in the heat. Ember crawling it uneven message on hes body and press this night on hes soul for all eternity.


Flash apricot sinking into thicket like the speed light, try hard stretch out to anything on it path. Thundercrack ehos traverse night. The sky is brewed still with clouds bubbleing, with silver grey colours with hints of violet and amber sequence over ancient woodland.

Orange burst found object on course, which is stern, tough, gaint Chestnut, sneaking glint of ocher rambling bumpy and plunge itself into the creatures heart and sear he protective out shell and pointed olive leafs.


I am all alone, startle,paralyze, daunt my what I am experience and see this night. Utter feeling of sheer depair, helpless of not be able save them is torture. My dearest and nearest friends be scared with amber, claret, gold inferno sweep through with destruction manner and sliced their bodies every which way imgainable.

Her selfness act of revenge from mother nature, wreak havoc, dismantle, abolishing, turning night
into azure in matter seconds and ground below foliage is slow be butchered, extinguish, assault with a sea of flame.The bang, crash,powerful, heavy and intense sound for Dame Nature, is deafening to my ears.


Electricity starting to weave and zig-zag itself over the primeval corpse, the glowing is speading like wildfire. The next casualty was my old commard marvelous Pine, increasely the fever takes tight hold on her, savage, charring her statueque timber, flicker her supple comouflage piked leafs.

Fog above the woodland, is like pea super from the victorian days. Mist reachs in both directions, thick with chemicals of grown. It head for towns, with people will be coughs and splattering. Gale is forcing with cyclone,blast, twine,spiral out control and hint of moist breeze is in air.

Suddenly I feel dripping from above, it drizzling, get more frequent, drops are feeling reassuring and tempest has wore herself out from act grievance against human nature, from total this regard for her world.

The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial Birch. Horizion border with its coral,rusted and amesthyst lustrous span itself for begin of new day. Soft,gentle, smooth and silkly morining sun shimmer brilliant.

[hillwalker]

Reading this piece left me feeling almost overwhelmed by the imagery especially the colours. You remind me of a local short story writer I know who is also an accomplished painter and she always writes as if she is creating a painting - a daub of colour here and there, a few brush strokes and abracadabra.....

There are some grammatical errors (I guess you don't need to be told this) but I'm sure readers are able to see through them to enjoy the underlying story.....

and my favourite bit has to be

Advances; blazes with its tangerine, copper and lemon glow

Mhmm

H

[zoolane]

Thank you for your comment H, I am glad you like it and I hope that good enough for college.

I am going try had bit more descrption for when sun rise that end. Did emotion and stress of teller come through ok?

[zoolane]

End A is below




The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial, kingly Birch.
Horizion change dawn break with it soft, gentle sun, shining brilliant.

Or End B is below

The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial, kingly Birch. Horizion border with its coral,rusted and amesthyst lustrous span itself for begin of new day. Soft,gentle, smooth and silkly morining sun shimmer brilliant.

Which sound better?

[hillwalker]

B is the better I would say - but I think 'imperial kingly birch' is a bit over-the-top - one adjective is probably enough for any tree to bear.

Good luck

H

[zoolane]

Thank you H I am very grateful for your help advice. :thumbsup:

[zoolane]

Storm Watch

I am sitting in a strong Chestnut tree, steading myself on a branch, watching the earth beneath me for my supper and anticipate what the night will bring. Stretching my wings in case I have to fly, twisting my neck to and fro.

From distance, I can see a storm gathering with livid grey, angry, violent clouds waiting to rage the skyline. It looks like someone is playing tug of war with the clouds, to pull them towards the middle of a whirlwind.

Colours are lighten up the sky like bonfire night, with purple,pink illuminations across the heavens, winds are rattled through noble Birchs, legendary Oaks, radiant Willows, hearty Chestnut and superb Pines. The uprising thunder sends rumbling across the night sky, crossfire of lightning and brief down pour. Silence gust of wind blows at me, the smell of scorching those fascinating trees and it is heartbreaking to the point of murder.

Surge of white light is desending across the dark sky, like spear is thrown down from atmosphere beyond the earth. Creaking, snapping,twisting as Oak falls from grace. I am positive, I could hear her screaming, wailed as she hits forest floor. She is being struck down middle, halved in processes and left a scar to match.

Wood is slow smoulding and blistering way, heat ignite a small fire, which worked it way up to bark to the lushs leafs, murky puff of smoke is relevant up to join storm. Stench is unbearable but imperative that I stay here on my branch.

Advances blazes with it tangerine, copper and lemon glow, takes leap in to the unknow and landed on stooping Willow. In abrupt second the long slender dark spinach leafs, is toasted them in heat. Ember is crawling it way, uneven leaves message on he's body and press this night on he's soul for all eternity.


Flash apricot sinking into thicket like the speed light, try hard to stretch out to anything in path. Thundercrack echoing traverse and through night. The sky is brewed still with clouds bubbleing, with silver grey colours with hints of violet and amber forming sequence over ancient woodland.

Orange burst found object in course, which is stern, tough, gaint Chestnut, sneaking glint of ocher rambling bumpy and plunge itself into the creatures heart and searing he's protective out shell and pointed olive leafs.


I am all alone, startle,paralyzed, daunted my what I am experienceing and see tonight. The utter feeling of sheer depair, helpless of not be able save them is torturing me . My dearest and nearest friends being attack with amber, claret, gold inferno sweep through with destruction manner and sliced their bodies every which way imgainable.

Her selfness act of revenge from mother nature, wreak havoc, dismantle, abolishing, turning the night into azure in matter seconds and ground below, foliage is slow be butchered, extinguish, assault with a sea of flame.The banging, crashing,powerful, heavy thunder and is sound of Dame Nature, is deafening me.


Electricity is starting to weave and zig-zag itself over the primeval corpse, the glowing is speading like wildfire. The next casualty is my old commard marvelous Pine, increasely the fever takes tight hold on her, savage, charring her statueque timber, flicker her supple comouflage piked leafs.

Fog above the woodland, is like pea super from the victorian days. Mist is reaching everywhere, the sky is thick with chemicals of grown. It head for towns, with people will be coughs and splattering. Gale is forcing a cyclone,blast, twine,spiral out control and out of nowhere a hint of moist breeze is in air.

Suddenly I feel a dripping from above, it is drizzling, get more frequent, drops are reassuring and tempest must of wore herself out from act grievance against human nature, and from total this regard for her world.

The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial Birch.Horizion border with its coral,rusted and amesthyst lustrous span itself for beginning of a new day. Soft,gentle, smooth and silkly morining sun shimmer brilliantly.

Is there lots of grammers mistaken?

[Delta40]

You have captured, sight, smell, sound beautifully in this short piece. The reader can really experience for themselves the texture of the wood.

There is no 'e' in torturing but I agree with Hill that the descriptiveness of the piece is enchanting enough to distract the reader from these oversights.

[TheFifthElement]

Hi zoo :)

I finally found some time to write down my comments on this piece. Apologies again for the delay.

Firstly, I have to agree with the other comments raised on this thread. You have a beautiful way of presenting the world, an unique vision which is impactiful, emotive and evocative. There's a heck of a punch packed by this short piece. I love the detail and the use of all the senses which really create a three dimensional experience for the reader. You place the reader right in the heart of the piece; I really felt what your character was experiencing.

If I'm a little tentative in putting my views forward here it is because I do not want you to lose the viceral power of your expression, in a desire to move towards 'correct' expression. There are grammatical errors, but in some respects I would be cautious around over correcting. Although you do not say it directly, I took it that you were writing from the perspective of a bird observing the destructive power of a storm. Certain aspects of the language support that and I wonder if you might consider using what you perceive as your weakness as a strength here, perhaps widening the gap between 'correct' language and considering instead the language that a bird may use to express themselves? It is entirely up to you, of course, but I did wonder if in trying too hard to correct the grammar the piece might actually lose something.

I'm not sure how much or how little you want in terms of feedback on the grammar and construction of the piece, so I've done a bit of detail and a bit of drawing out the strengths of the piece and this follows. I hope you find it of some use.



I am sitting in a strong Chestnut tree, steading myself on a branch, watching the earth beneath me for my supper and anticipate what the night will bring. Stretching my wings in case I have to fly, twisting my neck to and fro.


I love this opening. It draws the reader right in and shows, straight away, the quirks of the character with that 'twisting my neck to and fro'. I think 'steading' may be better as 'steadying' and 'anticipate' as 'anticipating'.



From distance, I can see a storm gathering with livid grey, angry, violent clouds waiting to rage the skyline. It looks like someone is playing tug of war with the clouds, to pull them towards the middle of a whirlwind.

I love the concept of the clouds being used in a game of tug of war. Fantastic image. You might want to consider culling some of the 'livid, grey, angry, violent' before the clouds. Livid grey works well enough alone. From 'a' distance or 'In the distance'? You may also want to consider changing 'clouds, to pull them' to 'clouds, pulling them...'



Colours are lighten up the sky like bonfire night, with purple,pink illuminations across the heavens, winds are rattled through noble Birchs, legendary Oaks, radiant Willows, hearty Chestnut and superb Pines.
I love the respect shown in the names of the different trees. Respect is something which comes across strongly in this piece. There is respect for both the beauty and the awesome power of nature. You don't need the 'are' after 'colours'. Winds 'rattle' and 'Birchs' should have an 'e' as in 'Birches'.



Wood is slow smoulding and blistering way, heat ignite a small fire, which worked it way up to bark to the lushs leafs, murky puff of smoke is relevant up to join storm.
'Slow smouldering and blistering way' is poetic and beautiful. It's not grammatically correct, but I'm not sure the best way to improve the grammar without losing its poetic beauty. This passage: 'heat ignite a small fire, which worked it way up to bark to the lushs leafs' should probably be:
'heat ignites a small fire which works its way up the bark to the lush leaves,'



Advances blazes with it tangerine, copper and lemon glow, takes leap in to the unknow and landed on stooping Willow.
I have to agree with hillwalker in drawing out this line. I love the colours you use throughout the piece, and here you show them to excellent effect.



I am all alone, startle,paralyzed, daunted my what I am experienceing and see tonight. The utter feeling of sheer depair, helpless of not be able save them is torturing me . My dearest and nearest friends being attack with amber, claret, gold inferno sweep through with destruction manner and sliced their bodies every which way imgainable.
Here I think you might benefit from trimming the description. I'm not sure you need all of 'startled, paralysed, daunted' or 'utter feeling of sheer despair'. Utter or sheer should be sufficient on its own.



Electricity is starting to weave and zig-zag itself over the primeval corpse, the glowing is speading like wildfire. The next casualty is my old commard marvelous Pine, increasely the fever takes tight hold on her, savage, charring her statueque timber, flicker her supple comouflage piked leafs.
That first line is stunning. You might want to change 'the glowing is spreading' to 'the glow spreads' which is a little less wordy. I also love the way you refer to the Pine as 'marvellous' with 'statuesque timber'. Lovely. 'comouflage' should be 'camouflage' and I wasn't sure if by 'piked' you meant 'spiked'?



Fog above the woodland, is like pea super from the victorian days.
pea souper.



The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial Birch.Horizion border with its coral,rusted and amesthyst lustrous span itself for beginning of a new day. Soft,gentle, smooth and silkly morining sun shimmer brilliantly.
I love the way you end the piece with both hope and respect. After the tumultuous night, morning brings hope, calm and salvation for some (the birch).

There's such a lot to be proud of in this piece zoolane. The grammar would benefit from some work, but don't get too hung up about it. A its core, this is an excellent story, beautifully and sensuously expressed. Nice work.

[zoolane]

Thank you I revisiting the story and changing lots things.