Rough open for college work (fiction)

[zoolane]

I have include list below to piece I am writing any feedback would great thank you.

Genre : I haven't quite work out yet.
Text : Short story.
Audience : young adults.
Purpose : tell story maybe question at end?
Language : Complex (I hope).

Title Storm Watch


I sat in the on magnificent Willow tree, stead ed myself on her elegant branch, watch earth beneath me for my supper and anticipate what night will bring. Stretching me wings in case I have take
fly, twist my neck to and fro.

From distance, I see storm clouds gathering with livid grey, angry, violence wait to rage the skyline.It look like someone was play tug of war with clouds, to pull them towards to middle of a whirlwind.

Colours lighten up the sky like bonfire night, with purple,pink illumination across the heavens, winds rattled through noble Birchs, legendary Oaks, radiant Willows and superb Pines. Silence gust wind blew at me, smelt of scorching those fascinate trees and it heartbreaking to point of murder.

[hillwalker]

Apart from the grammatical stumbles this is very imaginative writing -

I like the idea of a story being told from the point of view of a bird (the owl?) - and you let the reader work out for themselves who is telling the story with some subtle clues (most readers enjoy figuring things out this way).

The descriptions are very good - especially the way you compare the clouds to a tug of war.

But I would question why you use 'magnificent' to describe the willow tree - perhaps there's no need since you call it 'radiant' later on.

There's no need to attach an adjective to every noun because when you do this it tends to sound a bit weird after a while.
Also 'elegant' isn't the best way of describing a branch - it doesn't allow us to see the branch in our heads.
How is it elegant? elegantly shaped? elegantly twisted? elegantly decorated in leaves?).

But overall its a fine piece of writing, and the final part where we sense there is disaster on the way - a forest fire perhaps? - really intriguing..... the reader will want to know more.

Great start H

[zoolane]

Thank you H, as usual you was right, 5:30am woke up,1st though was 'Storm' and lines:

Storm is brewed in sky, concealed the sun rise.

Tempest start her revenge, gust of wind.
Striking old oak, plummet toward the souls.
neglecting forth come of oak.

It took me about 15 minutes to figure basic of story, jotting down on back of school letter bits & peices and start written after take girls school and came up it that.

I will have think about suggest you made about words 'magnificent and elegant

I am going try put sound describing before Scorch start.

Any ideas for title?

[zoolane]

I am sitting here on the strong Chestnut tree, stead ed myself on the branch, watching earth beneath me for my supper and anticipate what night will bring. Stretching me wings in case I have take fly, twist my neck to and fro.

From distance, I see storm clouds gathering with livid grey, angry, violence waiting to rage the skyline. It looks like someone is play tug of war with clouds, to pull them towards to middle of a whirlwind.

Colours lighten up the sky like bonfire night, with purple,pink illumination across the heavens, winds rattled through noble Birchs, legendary Oaks, radiant Willows, hearty Chestnut and superb Pines. The uprising thunder send rumbling across night sky, crossfire of lightning and brief down pour. Silence gust wind blew at me, smelt of scorching those fascinate trees and it heartbreaking to point of murder.

[hillwalker]

This is better - perhaps it should all be written in the present tense to make the narrative more consistent and make it sound as if it is really happening as we read about it.

I'm not sure if these were just notes you made before writing the main story

Tempest start her revenge, gust of wind.
Striking old oak, plummet toward the souls.

but there's something very original about the revenge of the tempest and the oak plummeting towards the souls (souls of whom?) that might be worth including in the finished piece.

H

TITLE? - 'Stormwatch' or something similar?

[zoolane]

They are lines that got me thinking and gave me idea for story.

I do like 'Stormwatch'. thank you.

[hillwalker]

And thak you.....

One final thought - and you'll probably hate me for saying so....

but willows are rather flimsy trees with thin branches - not the kind of tree an owl might choose to perch on - he would be more likely to pick a chestnut or sycamore or an oak! :-)

H

[Skia]

Well Zoo- I must say I really liked the second draft, this stuck out to me


From a distance, I see storm clouds gathering with livid grey, angry, violence waiting to rage the skyline. It look like someone was play tug of war with clouds, to pull them towards to middle of a whirlwind.

Don't worry, you are going to ace this with flying colours! :D

[zoolane]

Surge white light desending across dark sky, like spear had thrown down from atmosphere beyond earth. Creaking, snapping,twisting as Oak falling from grace, I am positive, I could heard her screaming, wailed as she hit forest floor. She being struck down middle, halved in process and with scar to match.

Wood is slow smoulding and blistering way, heat ignite small fire worked it way up bark to lush green leafs, murky puff smoke relevant up to join storm. Stench is unbearable but imperative that I stay here on my branch.

[dafydd manton]

This is fascinating stuff, Zoo. I'm really enjoying it. I shan't offer any advice, I shall leave that to Hill since he is far more skillful and knowledgeable, and I would hate to cause confusion, but I do like the concept, very much. Keep going.

[zoolane]

Thank you Dafy, I am glad you the concept, enjoyed to boot and just hope I can pull of.

[dafydd manton]

Oh, you will, I'm sure!!! Just keep going!!

[zoolane]

I have add previous part so it easy to follow.


Surge white light desending across dark sky, like spear had thrown down from atmosphere beyond earth. Creaking, snapping,twisting as Oak falling from grace. I am positive, I could heard her screaming, wailed as she hits forest floor. She being struck down middle, halved in processes and left with scar to match.

Wood is slow smoulding and blistering way, heat ignite small fire worked it way up bark to lushs leafs, murky puff smoke relevant up to join storm. Stench is unbearable but imperative that stay on my branch.

Advances blazes with it tangerine, copper and lemon glow, took leap in to the unknow and landed on stooping Willow. In abrupt second the long slender dark spinach leafs, toasted intensity in heat. Ember crawling it uneven leave message round hes body and press this night on hes soul for all eternity.

[hillwalker]

Very vivid descriptions - this is good.

[zoolane]

Thank you h, change glow description to shades of colours rather then said the 'colours'.

[zoolane]

Flash apricot sinking into thicket like the speed light, try harder stretch out to anything it path. Thundercrack ehos boisterous arthwart tempest cosmo. The sky is brewed still with clouds bubbleing, with silver grey colour with hints of violet and amber sequence over ancient woodland.

Orange burst found object on course, which is stern, tough, gaint chestnut, sneaking glint of ocher rambling bumpy and plunge in to the creature and sear he protective out shell and pointed olive leafs.



Is it me or I am bit lazy in descriptions

[hillwalker]

As much as I love the way you use a variety of expressions in this piece to dramatise the changing sky I think this line is difficult to make much sense of as it stands :

Thundercrack ehos boisterous arthwart tempest cosmo

athwart (?) is not a word you generally see in contemporary writing - more in classical literature where it refers to something that lies across the path of another thing

- and why does the word cosmos (?) appear at the end of the sentence?

H

[zoolane]

As much as I love the way you use a variety of expressions in this piece to dramatise the changing sky I think this line is difficult to make much sense of as it stands :

Thundercrack ehos boisterous arthwart tempest cosmo

athwart (?) is not a word you generally see in contemporary writing - more in classical literature where it refers to something that lies across the path of another thing

- and why does the word cosmos (?) appear at the end of the sentence?

H

I was toyed with idea but to true has look sound right from moment that I type it. Just I haven't got enough time to changed it so I will back to later and hopeful bit personal feeling of what happening.

[zoolane]

Flash apricot sinking into thicket like the speed light, try harder stretch out to anything in it path. Thundercrack ehos traverse the night. The sky is brewed still with clouds bubbleing, with silver grey colours with hints of violet and amber sequence over ancient woodland.

Orange burst found object on it course, which is stern, tough, gaint Chestnut, sneaking glint of ocher rambling bumpy and plunge in to the creature's heart and sear he protective out shell and pointed olive leafs.

I am all alone, startle, paralyze, daunt my what I have experience and seen this night. Utter feel of sheer depair, helpless of not be able save them is torture. My dearest and nearest friends be scared with amber, claret, and gold inferno sweep through with this destruction manner and sliced their bodies every which way imgainable.

Her selfness act of revenge from mother nature, wreak havoc, dismantle, abolishing, turning night into azure in matter seconds and ground below foliage is slow be butchered, extinguish, assault with this sea of flame. The bang, crash,powerful, heavy and intense sound for Dame Nature, is deafening to my ears.

[zoolane]

Electricity starting to weave and zig-zag itself over the primeval corpse, the glowing is speading like wildfire. The next casualty was my old commard marvelous Pine, increase fever took tight hold on her, savage, charring her statueque timber, flicker her supple comouflage piked leafs.

Fog above the woodland, is like pea super in victorian days. Mist reachs in both directions, thick with chemicals of grown. It head for towns, with people will be coughs and splattering. Gale is forcing with cyclone,blast, twine,spiral out control and hint of moist breeze is in air.

Suddenly I feel dripping from above, it drizzling, get more frequent, drops feel reassuring and tempest has wore herself out from act grievance against human nature, from total this regard for world before humans came.

The downpour saturated, drench Mother Natures campfire, save the imperial, kingly Birch.
Horizion change dawn break with it soft, gentle sun, shining brilliant.

[hillwalker]

Woho - I can see you have really gone for the 'painting with words' option. This is a very descriptive piece with some wonderful images. Powerful and original.

H

[zoolane]

:):Angel_anim: