no title

[breathtest]

i want the smell of coffee
on a girls breath,
and the scars of living
on her breasts
i want to see in her eyes
that she has suffered,
as she will see in mine

[dafydd manton]

I am most impressed. None of the idealistic things that so many of us do (Guilty as charged), but basic, down to earth, and so....well, normal! Reality Check! Thanks very much for posting it.

[hillwalker]

Brief and to the point - how we so often look for our own likenesses in our partners. A neat piece of poetry.

[breathtest]

thank you Daffyd and hillwalker for your comments. i really appreciate it.

[Skia]

Cool poem,
very down to Earth :)

[breathtest]

thank you Skia. i'm glad you see it that way, because i thought some people might see it as me wishing another person to suffer. which couldn't be further from the truth.

[Bar22do]

i want the smell of coffee
on a girls breath,
and the scars of living
on her breasts
i want to see in her eyes
that she has suffered,
as she will see in mine

As hill says, we look for our own kind, and however arguable these choices might be, it's so reassuring to find one whose life's experience allows to connect with ours...
My nits, if I may: L2 should be "girl's" I think, L3 lacks a verb ("see"?) and if you have "see" in L3, erase it from L5. Then in the final L you don't need "see". ("as she will in mine")

I enjoyed the idea as well as your fine poem's directness. Thanks a lot.

[hillwalker]

Without wanting to tread on Bar's delicate toes I had automatically carried the 'I want' from L1 to L3 as well.
So other than the missing apostrophe in 'girls' its perfect as it stands?????

[breathtest]

Bar22do - thanks very much. and yes it is unbelievably comforting to find somebody in the same state as you and with the same experiences. reassuring is the perfect word for it.

i actually debated writing girls as girl's, but decided against it. I figure the less punctuation the better, which is why i don't use capital letters either. and also leaving out 'see' in line three adds something to the sound of the poem. i don't want to see the scars, i WANT the scars, if you know what i mean, i think it's more powerful. i suppose it would make just as much sense to take out the word 'see' in the last line as it would to leave it in. i tend to follow Kerouacs rule of 'first thought best thought' usually though, especially if there is any doubt as to what would sound better.

your comment is appreciated, thanks for reading

[PrinceMyshkin]

There is something so comforting so (pardon the expression) real in your choice of coffee on her breath... Maybe it's risky to use that as a basis for falling in love, but how trustworthy are the more exotic alternatives?

I do have a bit of a quibble with your leap from that first criterion to that of "scars on her breasts." Granted you might not want one to take that literally, but there is the temptation to wonder if you really mean that she has been on the wrong end of an abusive relationship? (Not that there's a right end to such.)

Fine poem.

[breathtest]

Oh no i don't mean it literally. in fact i hadn't even really thought that it might be taken literally.
and maybe there was an unconscious motive for such a radical leap from coffee to scars.

thanks so much for reading.