Passing it down

[Delta40]

You might think her chest wheezes
when she inhales
and whistles when
she breathes out
or that she sounds like a
puffing steam train
slowly going off the tracks
each time she laughs and splutters
the truth is when
she holds me to her breast
like the child I am of hers
I can hear the tortured cries
of anguished maternal ancestors
squirming to be freed
from her fragile shell
Her spittle on my head
is the legacy of dark secrets and pain
escaping then passed along
to the next daughter in line
I feel the full weight of my mother
as familial horrors make their home
within me

[dafydd manton]

I'm prepared to bet that there are many of us are frightened stiff of heredity, in one form another. There seems to be a confict of love and a slight discomfort here,or am I miles off the mark? Either way, it makes one think!

[Jerrybaldy]

I only hope that this poem is not what it seems to be . (( ))

[Delta40]

this poem is not as clear as I would like it to be. gonna have some breakfast, maybe some chocolate and endless cups of coffee till I get it right

[angliholic]

Thanks, Delta, for sharing the world of the tender gender again!
As a guy, I'll never know it unless you tell!

[Delta40]

ok a bowl of porride and two coffees:

It seems as though her chest
whistles when she inhales
then wheezes like an old squeeze box
as she breathes out
When she laughs
she sounds like a slow puffing billy
gradually derailing
after a lifetime of gaspers
But the truth is
when she holds me to her breast
like the child I am for her
my ears throb
with the tortured cries of anguish
Her maternal ancestors
struggle to be freed
from her fragile, eaten out shell
She coughs
and crowns me with her sputum
as if to receive a phlegm blessing
is an honour rather than a curse
I splutter as the sceptre of dark secrets
is passed to me
and the familial horrors of past generations
is unleashed
I feel her true weight as they exit
to make their new home
deep within my core

[Haunted]

Feels painful to me Delta. I can't make the ancestral connection... I'm thinking cystic fibrosis, but I have a feeling I'm way off.

[Delta40]

ok. I want to create a poetic sort of bi monologue. two people saying their own piece about the sins of the father...etc. Grandmothers pass their burdens to their daughters who pass them down to theirs with more added and so on....Two of my characters, one is in a nursing home - the other is a distant daughter have their own crosses to bear but they are amazingly similar since they share the same baggage in life. This is the start of one and I thought about exploring a second where for each time one character speaks a line, the other answers with their own without ever really acknowledging the presence or pain of the other. Its early days and I know I don't sound too clear but I would like to develop this a bit more and if you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

[Haunted]

I know I was missing something, I feel a painful encounter but didn't get what's the baggage that continues to be passed along. Maybe something else needs to be mentioned, not sure.

your idea sounds really good, would love to see what you come up with it.

[dafydd manton]

OK, I was miles off, but now I understand that, I can appreciate it even more. Nice one, D40, nice one.

D

[Delta40]

I don't think you were too far off Daffy.

Haunted - I don't really want to reveal the nature of the baggage till toward the end of the play. I thought it is enough to give the audience the impression that something is amiss and there is a family secret of some sort

[Jerrybaldy]

Wow
the porridge got to work on that, great though it was to begin with. I have to fly but will return here, to your posting, later.

[Delta40]

thanks I appreciate everyone's comment on this as it is related to my play

[Skia]

I Didn't get it at first, but since you've explained, I think it works really well, Thanks for sharing Delta :D

[Delta40]

ok. how does this sound as a monologue. I want it to go from a normal dialogue to a ridiculously theatrical dramatic performance.

It seems as though her chest whistles when she inhales - then wheezes like an old squeeze box as she breathes out (imitates heavy, wheezy breathing)
She laughs and rattles like a train derailing from too much puff. Truth be told, when she holds me to her breast as the child I have always been to her, my head trembles to the torment of wailing anguish. Our foremothers have nigh outlived their welcome and endeavour to free themselves from her fragile, worn shell. She coughs (imitates cough)and crowns me with her sputum as if drops of phlegm be an honour rather than the curse it really is. Would not any child splutter when a dusk jacket of such foulness is passed to her? What horror is bared on a single grimy leaf? Who is she to unleash this fate upon me? Do you not feel her true weight as shrieking shadows wrench free from her withered breast to dwell upon the shores of my soul?

[dafydd manton]

Ouch! if that doesn't wake them up, nothing will. I like that - it'll make the audience think that's for sure. Delicate yet almost brutal. Keep going!

[hillwalker]

Yeh - a powerful piece of writing delta that is sure to grip the listener.

Your idea about having a two-way dialogue (but where neither acknowledges the other's response) is also an interesting concept..... communication (or non-communication) by way of two separate monologues.

H

[zoolane]

Domestic violence one motherside and daughter wishes that her life and not end same way???

[Jerrybaldy]

I like the rewrite best, but as I said it was brilliant to begin with.
BTW I remember a comment of yours a way back on somebody's post that said ' never explain' :P :)
yours
JerryB

[Delta40]

Domestic violence one motherside and daughter wishes that she turn life and not end same way???

Its rather difficult for me to explain right now. I'm creating characters whose flaws are due to family violations and cover ups. each places the burden on the next generation to preserve some so called honour while enduring a lifetime of suffering. the play might explore how each generation expresses such burdens. For example, the youngest character is a cutter, her mother a distant alcoholic and her mother a self-righteous ice queen who is succumbing to dementia.

they're still developing. I'm working on character distinction too so they all have a unique voice.

[dafydd manton]

The potential is startling - go with it. Keep doing it, keep working. It'll be worth the wait!

[Delta40]

I like the rewrite best, but as I said it was brilliant to begin with.
BTW I remember a comment of yours a way back on somebody's post that said ' never explain' :P :)
yours
JerryB

but this is different! I've saved some of your poems Jerry because I'm confident they will give me ideas for the senile lady's monologue, fragmented as it will be and give the audience precious insight into the timeframes in which she shifts

[Jerrybaldy]

LOL. In a land down under I am a bit of a senile old lady. Flattered all the same. :D

[Delta40]

write me a dedication for the play!

[zoolane]

For example, the youngest character is a cutter, her mother a distant alcoholic and her mother a self-righteous ice queen who is succumbing to dementia.

they're still developing. I'm working on character distinction too so they all have a unique voice.

It will be complexion development characters but you have someone basic on in true life, alcoholics or addicts are every hard to understand reasons way acted in their selfish manner and family as whole unit survive.

I know you will doing fantastic story and look forward it.

[Bar22do]

The 'family secret' carried from one generation to another was clear from the first reading, Delta, and your poem has a more general dimension as well (for are there families free from such or another secret, a pandora shell passed on, never really opened ...). Thanks

[Delta40]

The 'family secret' carried from one generation to another was clear from the first reading, Delta, and your poem has a more general dimension as well (for are there families free from such or another secret, a pandora shell passed on, never really opened ...). Thanks

Was it? I thought so too but I was asked to clarify. the challenge here is for me to covey a powerful impression of something without revealing anything specific. thanks for your feedback Bar - always appreciated