tsjbbblue
09-15-2010, 02:58 AM
The first chapter of another book that I am working on... Two TOTALLY different books.. but both are dear to my heart. Thank you for reading and giving me your thoughts :)
True meaning of love
I sat on the toilet and stared at the test that I held in my hands. The pink plus sign blurred as the tears filled my eyes. This was the second test that I had taken, and both of them read positive. Being eighteen and pregnant was not exactly how I had planned the first year of my adult life to be spent. Not including the fact that I do not love my boyfriend. I care for him, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life raising a family with him. Not that he would allow that anyways.
I just got my first real job and my first car and apartment, all on my own. I was just starting out, and I was struggling. Being an adult was harder than I thought it would be. And now it just got harder, because of my carelessness, the fun of it all coming to a sudden halt.
When I was a little kid I always wished that I could be a ‘grown up’, now I wish I could go back to being a kid. I think that we all go through that, but I was not ready for a child. I sat and cried and cried until my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I lay with my dog and he comforted me with no questions that I didn’t have answers too. But I needed some advice, so I decided to call my good friend Sarah.
“Hey Jen, what’s up?” Sarah answered enthusiastically. I heard lots of noise in the background, and I knew that people were at her house, like usual.
“I was…. Just wondering if you could talk for a minute?” I sniffled.
“Are you crying? Of course I have a minute.” I heard a door shut and the background noise died.
“Ya, I have been crying for a while.” I took in a deep breath. “I am …. Pregnant. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh… wow. That’s crazy Jen. Is it Josh’s?” She knew it had to be, shocked that she asked that, because I don’t sleep around. I lost my innocence to Josh because he was hard one to resist. He was handsome, not gorgeous but he had a great sense of humor and he showered me with gifts. Neither of us had ever said I love you, and we both knew that it wouldn’t last long; he made it clear we were just having some fun. He was adamant that he loved his freedom, and although I was his girlfriend I knew that if I told him that I was pregnant, he would drop me like a fly. He had been in and out of jail in our short relationship anyways, and I didn’t want to get more involved in his partying and drugs, so I was slowly trying to get out of the relationship. This would end it for sure, the hardest easy out ever.
“Ya of course it is. What would you do?”
“Get rid of it.” That shocked me, although it would be the easiest thing to do, and admittedly it had crossed my mind. I have always been against abortion and even though we had never talked about it in length, I just assumed she would be too.
“You mean abortion?” I knew she did by the way her voice had gotten hard, but wanted to make sure she didn’t mean adoption.
“Ya, no one will ever have to know.” Sarah paused. “It’s not so bad; I did it when I was sixteen.”
I gasped, Sarah and I had not known each other for very long, but in that short time we had become very good friends. I knew now that we had less in common than I thought we did.
“I don’t think that I could do it. Maybe adoption?” The other end of the line was quite. “Sarah?”
“If you want to do that, but everyone will know what you did then, and if you get rid of it now, no one will ever know. You can go on with life like it never happened.” She said after a lengthy pause. I put my hand on my stomach and although there was nothing really there yet, I knew that I couldn’t do that.
“I will think about it.” I said as tears filled my eyes again. The advice I was seeking was worse than I had prepared myself for, I had to remind myself that I asked for her opinion.
“Okay, well I will help you. Sleep on it and I will see you at work tomorrow.” She sounded so cold. I nodded and then realized she was waiting for me to let her get off the phone.
“Uh huh, I will talk to you tomorrow.” I pushed the end button on my cell phone and dropped it to the floor. How could this happen to me? I wasn’t ready for a child, but I knew that I could not just get rid of it and act like it never happened. It seemed like a voice in my head was telling me that I could just continue on with my life like it never happened, it would be so easy. I screamed and shook my head, tears flying from my cheeks.
I spent the night looking into adoption online, not being able to sleep. I stared into the monitor as I looked at many families and requested information on them. I knew that is what I had to do, give the child to a family that had lots of love and the resources to give the child the life that it deserved. I had the love, I was sure of that, but I did not think that I would be able to provide and give a child the life that it deserved. As I finally relaxed to fall asleep, I knew in my heart that was what I had to do.
When I arrived at work the next day I was almost immediately called into my Managers office. I was about ten minutes late, and although she had never gotten mad about that before I was prepared for the rebuttal I was about to receive. This is just how my week was going so far.
“Jen, please have a seat.” I sat down in one of the uncomfortable, but modern plastic chairs that she had in front of her desk. “How are you doing?” She asked, looking at me with mocked concern.
“I am doing ok, sorry I was late. I couldn’t sleep last night.” I sat on the edge of the chair, waiting for her to tell me to go back to work.
“Please don’t get upset, but I had a little talk with Sarah this morning.” She smiled sweetly at me as my heart thudded in my chest. No way, she couldn’t have!! “She told me about your little problem.” She looked at my belly. She did! I couldn’t believe this, how could she do this? She had no right.
“Well I don’t think that was any of Sarah’s business to tell you that, I would rather not talk about that right now.” I tried to say calmly, but my voice gave away more emotion than I wanted it too.
“Don’t get mad at her, she is just worried about you. I, we, want to help.” She smiled and I raised my eyebrows at her. She pushed her short blond hair behind her ears before she continued. “I know how you are just starting out on your own, and you are doing such a great job here, you are such a hard worker. “ She paused. “I would like to pay for your abortion. Sarah said that you were thinking about that and she was worried that the money might be the thing stopping you.”
I stood up quickly and it slid my chair. “Well I don’t think that any of this is your business. That is a nice offer and all, but really Sarah should not have said anything! I am going home; I am going to take a couple of sick days.” I did not wait for an answer from her, but I heard her try to say something as I stormed down the hall. I passed Sarah in the hall and I gave her a hurt look as my eyes filled with tears again, messing up the makeup that I had meticulously placed to cover the proof of the crying that I had done all night.
I cried all the way home, I cried harder than I had cried in a very long time. I was way beyond confused now. The feelings that filled my head and my body were taking control; I need a bathroom to throw up in and a bed to lay my weary body in. My head hurt and my body was tired. I got to my apartment and my neighbor was standing out front. She was an older Hispanic lady that was very nice and in a way had taken me under her wing when I had moved in, alone for the first time in my life.
“Mija, what is the matter?” She walked up to me with open arms, I buried my swollen eyes and tear streaked face in her shoulder. She held me tight while I wet her shirt with my tears. She was shorter than me and I realized that I was leaning on her small frame and stood up and wiped my face.
“So sorry. Oh Nana, I don’t know what to do.” Her name was Flora, but she insisted that I called her Nana, because she said that I was just like one of her grandchildren. Her small weathered body looked very fragile, but I knew that she was very strong. The stories that she had told me over tea showed in her wrinkled face.
“Come in and have tea with me. We can talk.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me into her apartment that had the same exact layout, but hers was so inviting and homey. It smelled of cinnamon and vanilla. There were candles with Jesus and Mother Mary that sat on a small table against the wall in her living room. Her furniture was mismatched and old, but it made it all the more comfortable. She had me sit down in a green recliner that was covered with a homemade quilt of bright blues and muted reds. I sat there and relaxed as I heard her shuffle around the small kitchen. She walked in with two mugs that had steam rising from them. She handed me one and I held it in my hands and smelled the cinnamon and honey that wafted up from the dark hot tea.
“Thank you Nana.” I closed my eyes and sipped the tea that was almost too hot to drink. It stung as it hit my tongue, but I welcomed it and it was almost relaxing in an odd kind of way.
“Now what is wrong Mija?” She looked at me with concern in her eyes and I started crying again. I told her all that had happened to me in the last twenty-four hours. I cried and for awhile she didn’t say anything, she just heard me out. She did not judge or give her opinion. When I was done talking and I had told her all my feelings and thoughts I felt so much better and I wanted her advice, so I asked for it. I knew that her advice would be valid and come from her heart. She reached over and touched my belly.
“God would not give you anything that you cannot handle. A child is not only a gift, it is a blessing. I believe that your heart will tell you the right answer, just listen to it.” She took her hand off of my stomach and pointed at my heart while looking at me with sincerity.
“I know that I can’t get an abortion.” I touched my belly where her hand had just been. “I just can’t do that, it is just not right. I really want to keep it, but I don’t think that I can give it the life that it deserves. So I believe that the right thing to do is give it up for adoption, but I have to tell my family and I am scared to do that.” I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to overflow with the thought of the reaction that my family was going to have. I had always been the ‘good girl’; I had gotten perfect grades and never got in trouble, the model child. They may expect this from my little sister, but not from me.
“Give them credit Mija. They might surprise you.” I looked into the mug as she took my almost empty mug from my hands. “You are more than welcome to stay here tonight, so that you are not alone.”
“Thank you, but I have to get home and let Samson out.” I looked at the clock on her wall and realized that I had been there for hours. I had to go and let my chocolate lab out. “Thank you for listening to me.” I hugged her and she followed me to the door.
“I am right here if you change your mind and need somewhere to stay.” I smiled at her and walked across our parking spots that separated our apartments.
I walked into my apartment and I instantly wanted to go back to Nana’s. My apartment had no pictures on the wall, and the only furniture was a ratty couch with my hope chest as a coffee table. My TV was one that I had gotten at a yard sale and thankfully I had gotten a small entertainment center with it. There was nothing that said home here. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a whole gallon of kool-aid and drank from the jug as I opened the door to my bedroom. Thank goodness my bedroom was almost like it was when I was growing up. I had brought everything with me, my choir awards, and my gymkhana pictures hung on the wall. This was my sanctuary, and as I walked in it the air was cooler and my dog jumped off of the bed and greeted me excitedly. I leaned down to hug him and I started crying again. He sat there and licked the tears off of my cheeks. His unconditional love was what I needed.
“Love you bubba.” When I had first gotten him, he was like a human, ironically I thought of him as my kid, and I had nick named him Bubba. He wagged his tail and whimpered. I knew that he would sit there and let me hug him forever, but I also knew that he needed to be let out. I put his leash on him and decided to walk him to the park. The air was hot and damp outside, summer in the Arizona desert meant that cool was ninety degrees at midnight. We walked for an hour or so and then I sat on the swing with Sam relaxing in the grass tied to the post next to me.
“Hey, I have been calling you and have looked everywhere for you. There is a party at Tammi’s tonight.” I had jumped at the sound of his voice as he walked up behind me. My heart pounded and my hands shook. I did not know what to say or do. I didn’t answer him and when he came to the front of me I tried a smile. I knew that it didn’t feel right, but I hoped that it fooled him. I wasn’t ready to tell him.
“I don’t feel so good tonight, so I am just gonna go home and crash. You can go though.” I knew he was going whether I was or not. He wouldn’t miss a good party even if his life depended on it. He came up and straddled my legs between his, holding on to the chain right above my hands and leaned down to kiss me. I moved my head aside, afraid that the tears that were filling my eyes would spill.
“What’s up with you?” He took his hands off of the chain and pushed it a little. I swayed in my seat and just looked down at the dirt that I was making designs in with my shoes. Sam growled a little and I looked up at Josh.
“Nothing, I just don’t feel good Josh. Please. Call me tomorrow.” He huffed after I said that and walked off. After a minute or so in the distance I could hear the crisp echo of his high performance exhaust as he revved the engine in his truck to get me to come. He never honked the horn when he came to pick me up; he always revved his engine as a signal that he was waiting for me. After several minutes of that, the sounds of tires ripping through the gravel and then the high pitched squealing of his tires as he pulled onto the pavement let me know that he had given up on me and was not very happy about it.
It made me cry, and I cried and talked out loud to Sam on the whole walk home. He looked up at me quizzically in between sniffing bushes and stopping to investigate something of interest.
“I just don’t know what to do Sam.” He raised his ears and turned his head at me, then pointed his nose back down to the sidewalk.
“Do I tell Josh that I am going to give it up for adoption? Do I just break up with him and never tell him. That doesn’t seem right, but I know that he doesn’t want this baby.” Sam pulled me toward a bush and I followed without too much resistance.
“We need to go up and visit Papa, Leslie and Steph this weekend. Get some fresh air from the mountains and maybe clear our heads. How does that sound Sam?” He looked up at me with the cutest half puppy, half human look and I laughed. “OK we will leave tomorrow.”
We got back to the apartment and ate some chips and dip before we lay on our bed and fell asleep, with me holding Sam like he was a child. I slept with no dreams, and when I woke up in the morning my body was so cramped from sleeping in the same position all night. Sam had slobbered on my pillow and I crinkled my nose and turned the pillow over before I laid down again, not to go back to sleep, but to relax. I decided to call my little sister Stephanie, to see what her plans were for the next four days.
“Hey sis! What’s up?” She answered on the first ring.
“I was just calling to see what you were doing for the next four days or so?” I could feel her smile. She loved when I came to visit because it gave her a break from our dad and his new girlfriend. We have called our Dad Papa for our whole life, and I dont really know why. He wanted it that way.
“Nothing really, we might go to Heber and go fishing. You gonna come up?” Her voice was excited.
“I was thinking about it. If Papa and Leslie don’t mind, I need to get away.” I tried not to put more into than there was, but being sisters for the last 14 years she noticed the difference in my voice.
“What’s wrong? Is Josh being a butt head? You tell him that I will come there and kick his butt..”She stopped rattling, waiting for me to say something. Tears filled my eyes, I needed to talk to someone that I loved and they loved me, so bad.
“No, its not Josh, not really anyways.” I sniffled.
“Then what’s wrong sis? You can tell me anything, I promise I won’t say anything to Papa.” I knew that Steph was not the best in keeping secrets, but I needed someone to talk to, so I put my trust in her promise.
“You Promise, promise? This is something that I HAVE to tell everyone on my own.”
“I swear sis, trust me.”
“I am pregnant.” I heard her sharp intake of breath and silence on her end of the line. “Steph, you promised. Say something please.”
“I didn’t expect that. I expected that you and Josh broke up, or you were homesick, so you wanted to come back home. That is ….” She stopped again.
“That is what?” I asked, for some reason I was looking to my fourteen year old sister for advice.
“That is something that I would never expect from you I guess. I won’t tell anyone, but you need to tell Papa and Mom.” She breathed in deeply. When our parents had divorced, we had both gone back and forth between them, unsure of where to stay. I was more afraid to tell my mom, because she had become very religious and I could hear the sins that I have committed already. Papa and his new girlfriend Leslie would be more understanding; I just knew that they would. But that didn’t make it easier to tell them.
“I will, but the time has to be right. So I figured I would come and spend the next week or so with you. I am using my PTO days, but oh well I need a break. So please tell Papa I will be up there sometime tonight.” The drive was around four hours long, so I needed to get packed and get on the road if I wanted to get there before dark.
I packed all of my things in the car and asked Nana to watch the apartment for the next week, and I called work to tell them that I needed a week off. They gave it to me with no questions asked. I was ready to go and get some fresh air.
True meaning of love
I sat on the toilet and stared at the test that I held in my hands. The pink plus sign blurred as the tears filled my eyes. This was the second test that I had taken, and both of them read positive. Being eighteen and pregnant was not exactly how I had planned the first year of my adult life to be spent. Not including the fact that I do not love my boyfriend. I care for him, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life raising a family with him. Not that he would allow that anyways.
I just got my first real job and my first car and apartment, all on my own. I was just starting out, and I was struggling. Being an adult was harder than I thought it would be. And now it just got harder, because of my carelessness, the fun of it all coming to a sudden halt.
When I was a little kid I always wished that I could be a ‘grown up’, now I wish I could go back to being a kid. I think that we all go through that, but I was not ready for a child. I sat and cried and cried until my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I lay with my dog and he comforted me with no questions that I didn’t have answers too. But I needed some advice, so I decided to call my good friend Sarah.
“Hey Jen, what’s up?” Sarah answered enthusiastically. I heard lots of noise in the background, and I knew that people were at her house, like usual.
“I was…. Just wondering if you could talk for a minute?” I sniffled.
“Are you crying? Of course I have a minute.” I heard a door shut and the background noise died.
“Ya, I have been crying for a while.” I took in a deep breath. “I am …. Pregnant. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh… wow. That’s crazy Jen. Is it Josh’s?” She knew it had to be, shocked that she asked that, because I don’t sleep around. I lost my innocence to Josh because he was hard one to resist. He was handsome, not gorgeous but he had a great sense of humor and he showered me with gifts. Neither of us had ever said I love you, and we both knew that it wouldn’t last long; he made it clear we were just having some fun. He was adamant that he loved his freedom, and although I was his girlfriend I knew that if I told him that I was pregnant, he would drop me like a fly. He had been in and out of jail in our short relationship anyways, and I didn’t want to get more involved in his partying and drugs, so I was slowly trying to get out of the relationship. This would end it for sure, the hardest easy out ever.
“Ya of course it is. What would you do?”
“Get rid of it.” That shocked me, although it would be the easiest thing to do, and admittedly it had crossed my mind. I have always been against abortion and even though we had never talked about it in length, I just assumed she would be too.
“You mean abortion?” I knew she did by the way her voice had gotten hard, but wanted to make sure she didn’t mean adoption.
“Ya, no one will ever have to know.” Sarah paused. “It’s not so bad; I did it when I was sixteen.”
I gasped, Sarah and I had not known each other for very long, but in that short time we had become very good friends. I knew now that we had less in common than I thought we did.
“I don’t think that I could do it. Maybe adoption?” The other end of the line was quite. “Sarah?”
“If you want to do that, but everyone will know what you did then, and if you get rid of it now, no one will ever know. You can go on with life like it never happened.” She said after a lengthy pause. I put my hand on my stomach and although there was nothing really there yet, I knew that I couldn’t do that.
“I will think about it.” I said as tears filled my eyes again. The advice I was seeking was worse than I had prepared myself for, I had to remind myself that I asked for her opinion.
“Okay, well I will help you. Sleep on it and I will see you at work tomorrow.” She sounded so cold. I nodded and then realized she was waiting for me to let her get off the phone.
“Uh huh, I will talk to you tomorrow.” I pushed the end button on my cell phone and dropped it to the floor. How could this happen to me? I wasn’t ready for a child, but I knew that I could not just get rid of it and act like it never happened. It seemed like a voice in my head was telling me that I could just continue on with my life like it never happened, it would be so easy. I screamed and shook my head, tears flying from my cheeks.
I spent the night looking into adoption online, not being able to sleep. I stared into the monitor as I looked at many families and requested information on them. I knew that is what I had to do, give the child to a family that had lots of love and the resources to give the child the life that it deserved. I had the love, I was sure of that, but I did not think that I would be able to provide and give a child the life that it deserved. As I finally relaxed to fall asleep, I knew in my heart that was what I had to do.
When I arrived at work the next day I was almost immediately called into my Managers office. I was about ten minutes late, and although she had never gotten mad about that before I was prepared for the rebuttal I was about to receive. This is just how my week was going so far.
“Jen, please have a seat.” I sat down in one of the uncomfortable, but modern plastic chairs that she had in front of her desk. “How are you doing?” She asked, looking at me with mocked concern.
“I am doing ok, sorry I was late. I couldn’t sleep last night.” I sat on the edge of the chair, waiting for her to tell me to go back to work.
“Please don’t get upset, but I had a little talk with Sarah this morning.” She smiled sweetly at me as my heart thudded in my chest. No way, she couldn’t have!! “She told me about your little problem.” She looked at my belly. She did! I couldn’t believe this, how could she do this? She had no right.
“Well I don’t think that was any of Sarah’s business to tell you that, I would rather not talk about that right now.” I tried to say calmly, but my voice gave away more emotion than I wanted it too.
“Don’t get mad at her, she is just worried about you. I, we, want to help.” She smiled and I raised my eyebrows at her. She pushed her short blond hair behind her ears before she continued. “I know how you are just starting out on your own, and you are doing such a great job here, you are such a hard worker. “ She paused. “I would like to pay for your abortion. Sarah said that you were thinking about that and she was worried that the money might be the thing stopping you.”
I stood up quickly and it slid my chair. “Well I don’t think that any of this is your business. That is a nice offer and all, but really Sarah should not have said anything! I am going home; I am going to take a couple of sick days.” I did not wait for an answer from her, but I heard her try to say something as I stormed down the hall. I passed Sarah in the hall and I gave her a hurt look as my eyes filled with tears again, messing up the makeup that I had meticulously placed to cover the proof of the crying that I had done all night.
I cried all the way home, I cried harder than I had cried in a very long time. I was way beyond confused now. The feelings that filled my head and my body were taking control; I need a bathroom to throw up in and a bed to lay my weary body in. My head hurt and my body was tired. I got to my apartment and my neighbor was standing out front. She was an older Hispanic lady that was very nice and in a way had taken me under her wing when I had moved in, alone for the first time in my life.
“Mija, what is the matter?” She walked up to me with open arms, I buried my swollen eyes and tear streaked face in her shoulder. She held me tight while I wet her shirt with my tears. She was shorter than me and I realized that I was leaning on her small frame and stood up and wiped my face.
“So sorry. Oh Nana, I don’t know what to do.” Her name was Flora, but she insisted that I called her Nana, because she said that I was just like one of her grandchildren. Her small weathered body looked very fragile, but I knew that she was very strong. The stories that she had told me over tea showed in her wrinkled face.
“Come in and have tea with me. We can talk.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me into her apartment that had the same exact layout, but hers was so inviting and homey. It smelled of cinnamon and vanilla. There were candles with Jesus and Mother Mary that sat on a small table against the wall in her living room. Her furniture was mismatched and old, but it made it all the more comfortable. She had me sit down in a green recliner that was covered with a homemade quilt of bright blues and muted reds. I sat there and relaxed as I heard her shuffle around the small kitchen. She walked in with two mugs that had steam rising from them. She handed me one and I held it in my hands and smelled the cinnamon and honey that wafted up from the dark hot tea.
“Thank you Nana.” I closed my eyes and sipped the tea that was almost too hot to drink. It stung as it hit my tongue, but I welcomed it and it was almost relaxing in an odd kind of way.
“Now what is wrong Mija?” She looked at me with concern in her eyes and I started crying again. I told her all that had happened to me in the last twenty-four hours. I cried and for awhile she didn’t say anything, she just heard me out. She did not judge or give her opinion. When I was done talking and I had told her all my feelings and thoughts I felt so much better and I wanted her advice, so I asked for it. I knew that her advice would be valid and come from her heart. She reached over and touched my belly.
“God would not give you anything that you cannot handle. A child is not only a gift, it is a blessing. I believe that your heart will tell you the right answer, just listen to it.” She took her hand off of my stomach and pointed at my heart while looking at me with sincerity.
“I know that I can’t get an abortion.” I touched my belly where her hand had just been. “I just can’t do that, it is just not right. I really want to keep it, but I don’t think that I can give it the life that it deserves. So I believe that the right thing to do is give it up for adoption, but I have to tell my family and I am scared to do that.” I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to overflow with the thought of the reaction that my family was going to have. I had always been the ‘good girl’; I had gotten perfect grades and never got in trouble, the model child. They may expect this from my little sister, but not from me.
“Give them credit Mija. They might surprise you.” I looked into the mug as she took my almost empty mug from my hands. “You are more than welcome to stay here tonight, so that you are not alone.”
“Thank you, but I have to get home and let Samson out.” I looked at the clock on her wall and realized that I had been there for hours. I had to go and let my chocolate lab out. “Thank you for listening to me.” I hugged her and she followed me to the door.
“I am right here if you change your mind and need somewhere to stay.” I smiled at her and walked across our parking spots that separated our apartments.
I walked into my apartment and I instantly wanted to go back to Nana’s. My apartment had no pictures on the wall, and the only furniture was a ratty couch with my hope chest as a coffee table. My TV was one that I had gotten at a yard sale and thankfully I had gotten a small entertainment center with it. There was nothing that said home here. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a whole gallon of kool-aid and drank from the jug as I opened the door to my bedroom. Thank goodness my bedroom was almost like it was when I was growing up. I had brought everything with me, my choir awards, and my gymkhana pictures hung on the wall. This was my sanctuary, and as I walked in it the air was cooler and my dog jumped off of the bed and greeted me excitedly. I leaned down to hug him and I started crying again. He sat there and licked the tears off of my cheeks. His unconditional love was what I needed.
“Love you bubba.” When I had first gotten him, he was like a human, ironically I thought of him as my kid, and I had nick named him Bubba. He wagged his tail and whimpered. I knew that he would sit there and let me hug him forever, but I also knew that he needed to be let out. I put his leash on him and decided to walk him to the park. The air was hot and damp outside, summer in the Arizona desert meant that cool was ninety degrees at midnight. We walked for an hour or so and then I sat on the swing with Sam relaxing in the grass tied to the post next to me.
“Hey, I have been calling you and have looked everywhere for you. There is a party at Tammi’s tonight.” I had jumped at the sound of his voice as he walked up behind me. My heart pounded and my hands shook. I did not know what to say or do. I didn’t answer him and when he came to the front of me I tried a smile. I knew that it didn’t feel right, but I hoped that it fooled him. I wasn’t ready to tell him.
“I don’t feel so good tonight, so I am just gonna go home and crash. You can go though.” I knew he was going whether I was or not. He wouldn’t miss a good party even if his life depended on it. He came up and straddled my legs between his, holding on to the chain right above my hands and leaned down to kiss me. I moved my head aside, afraid that the tears that were filling my eyes would spill.
“What’s up with you?” He took his hands off of the chain and pushed it a little. I swayed in my seat and just looked down at the dirt that I was making designs in with my shoes. Sam growled a little and I looked up at Josh.
“Nothing, I just don’t feel good Josh. Please. Call me tomorrow.” He huffed after I said that and walked off. After a minute or so in the distance I could hear the crisp echo of his high performance exhaust as he revved the engine in his truck to get me to come. He never honked the horn when he came to pick me up; he always revved his engine as a signal that he was waiting for me. After several minutes of that, the sounds of tires ripping through the gravel and then the high pitched squealing of his tires as he pulled onto the pavement let me know that he had given up on me and was not very happy about it.
It made me cry, and I cried and talked out loud to Sam on the whole walk home. He looked up at me quizzically in between sniffing bushes and stopping to investigate something of interest.
“I just don’t know what to do Sam.” He raised his ears and turned his head at me, then pointed his nose back down to the sidewalk.
“Do I tell Josh that I am going to give it up for adoption? Do I just break up with him and never tell him. That doesn’t seem right, but I know that he doesn’t want this baby.” Sam pulled me toward a bush and I followed without too much resistance.
“We need to go up and visit Papa, Leslie and Steph this weekend. Get some fresh air from the mountains and maybe clear our heads. How does that sound Sam?” He looked up at me with the cutest half puppy, half human look and I laughed. “OK we will leave tomorrow.”
We got back to the apartment and ate some chips and dip before we lay on our bed and fell asleep, with me holding Sam like he was a child. I slept with no dreams, and when I woke up in the morning my body was so cramped from sleeping in the same position all night. Sam had slobbered on my pillow and I crinkled my nose and turned the pillow over before I laid down again, not to go back to sleep, but to relax. I decided to call my little sister Stephanie, to see what her plans were for the next four days.
“Hey sis! What’s up?” She answered on the first ring.
“I was just calling to see what you were doing for the next four days or so?” I could feel her smile. She loved when I came to visit because it gave her a break from our dad and his new girlfriend. We have called our Dad Papa for our whole life, and I dont really know why. He wanted it that way.
“Nothing really, we might go to Heber and go fishing. You gonna come up?” Her voice was excited.
“I was thinking about it. If Papa and Leslie don’t mind, I need to get away.” I tried not to put more into than there was, but being sisters for the last 14 years she noticed the difference in my voice.
“What’s wrong? Is Josh being a butt head? You tell him that I will come there and kick his butt..”She stopped rattling, waiting for me to say something. Tears filled my eyes, I needed to talk to someone that I loved and they loved me, so bad.
“No, its not Josh, not really anyways.” I sniffled.
“Then what’s wrong sis? You can tell me anything, I promise I won’t say anything to Papa.” I knew that Steph was not the best in keeping secrets, but I needed someone to talk to, so I put my trust in her promise.
“You Promise, promise? This is something that I HAVE to tell everyone on my own.”
“I swear sis, trust me.”
“I am pregnant.” I heard her sharp intake of breath and silence on her end of the line. “Steph, you promised. Say something please.”
“I didn’t expect that. I expected that you and Josh broke up, or you were homesick, so you wanted to come back home. That is ….” She stopped again.
“That is what?” I asked, for some reason I was looking to my fourteen year old sister for advice.
“That is something that I would never expect from you I guess. I won’t tell anyone, but you need to tell Papa and Mom.” She breathed in deeply. When our parents had divorced, we had both gone back and forth between them, unsure of where to stay. I was more afraid to tell my mom, because she had become very religious and I could hear the sins that I have committed already. Papa and his new girlfriend Leslie would be more understanding; I just knew that they would. But that didn’t make it easier to tell them.
“I will, but the time has to be right. So I figured I would come and spend the next week or so with you. I am using my PTO days, but oh well I need a break. So please tell Papa I will be up there sometime tonight.” The drive was around four hours long, so I needed to get packed and get on the road if I wanted to get there before dark.
I packed all of my things in the car and asked Nana to watch the apartment for the next week, and I called work to tell them that I needed a week off. They gave it to me with no questions asked. I was ready to go and get some fresh air.