14 lines Inspired by Drizzle.

[Hawkman]

I see the specks upon my windowpane
and I pull focus, to observe the dancing motes,
just visible, against the rooftop’s slopes.

That Brownian cloud,
before the variegated brick
that impassively stares back at me
from just across the street,
some great, grey beast’s condensing breath,
precipitating sorrow from the very air in depth,
while yet above, the cruel monotony of sky,
a concrete paving-slab, which caps
and saps the vigour of the eye.

A day, as once I heard it sighed,
to bury all those dreams that died.

[Bar22do]

I see the specks upon my windowpane
and I pull focus, to observe the dancing motes,
just visible, against the rooftop’s slopes.

That Brownian cloud,
before the variegated brick
that impassively stares back at me
from just across the street,
some great, grey beast’s condensing breath,
precipitating sorrow from the air in depth,
while yet above, the cruel monotony of sky,
a concrete paving-slab, which caps
and saps the vigour of the eye.

A day, that I once heard it sighed,
to bury all those dreams that died.

A sonnet! bravo Hawk, and such a touching one. Very moody, though, but no wonder - drizzle may be so depressing... I still hope you don't bury ALL your dreams!!
One of the best things we have here is - - - SUN! I'm going to miss it when I leave, soon alas.

I would prefer Drizzle for the title, for as it flows, your poem reveals itself as a sonnet by itself.
I commend you for your use of personification, rare these days and I think well achieved in this case:

That Brownian cloud,
before the variegated brick
that impassively stares back at me
from just across the street,

I love "the Brownian cloud before the variegated brick" - and the -ap -ap sounds towards the end.

thanks, it's a pleasure to read this one.

[Hawkman]

Thanks, Sweet Bar :D

I don't really claim it as a sonnet because it is not strictly in iambic hex/pentameter and the fact that it came out as 14 lines was more by accident than design :devil: It is just the view from my window today, and becomes a more frequently occuring one as the year progresses.

I'm glad you liked the quoted passage, as I enjoyed writing it even though it needed a little fiddling to get the arrangement right. I have added a word and a comma to line 9. I hope you approve, I hoped to make the line flow a little more evenly.

Thanks for reading and liking. Your Hawk.

[DieterM]

Great job, Hawk, reminds of the last week-ends here in Paris (which had a bit too much dribble for my liking) and made me live them again even if today, astoundingly, it's bright and sunny outside. That's the force of poetry, I reckon… I especially liked the image of sorrow precipitated from the very air as often, when it rains, that's the overall impression I have.

[Hawkman]

Thank you Dieter. I envy you (and Bar) your sun and I'm particularly pleased that you mention my modified line so it looks as though it was a good call :D I have just noticed that I failed to comment on your previous poem to the ones I commented on today, for which I apologise, as it is a well written, evocative piece. Thanks again. H

[PrinceMyshkin]

14 lines doth not a sonnet make but it's a fine poem and of course the elegant concluding couplet reminds one of the sonnet tradition (whether the Petrarchan or the Shakespearian I can't at the moment remember).

[dafydd manton]

There can't be many people who could get 14 lines out of the grotty British weather, and a brick background. I liked the poem, though if you could keep the drizzle down there, please, I'd be grateful. (And shocked) Nice one, Hawk, and unique.

[hillwalker]

An evocative elegy to the great British summer - I feel for you
- while here we bask in gale and hail (and yet I still went out in it for a three hour walk).
You do a great job of describing a dreich day - especially with these three lines

the cruel monotony of sky,
a concrete paving-slab, which caps
and saps the vigour of the eye.

A great poem Hawk - and personifying the cloud itself is a neat touch.

H

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince, a sonnet concluding in a couplet would follow the Shakespearian model, and one which I find to be a neater, more compact pattern with which to wind up a poem. Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.

Dafydd, sorry but by virtue of the virtual web, I have shared my weather with the world :D Glad you liked the Poem.

Hi hill, you slipped your comment in while I was replying. Well, since writing the drizzle has been both heavy and light but lacking the determined assault of hail and gale which you are experiencing. You are indeed a hardy soul to take a three hour stroll in it. Thanks for liking it and approving my concrete paving-slab of sky :D

Live and be well.

Best, H

[blank|verse]

Another to add to the deluge of 'Rain' poems. It just goes to show how right Ted Hughes was to encourage poets to be aware of climatic conditions and the effects they have on people and animals.

I'm repeating myself from another post, but have you read Don Paterson's Rain? The last poem, called, um, 'Rain', has similar filmic aspects to yours:

I love all films that start with rain:
rain, braiding a windowpane
[...]
before the act, before the blame,
before the lens pulls through the frame
'Braiding' is a masterstroke. As for yours, I liked the personification of the clouds and its 'condensing breath'.

Whether it's a sonnet or not could be debated, but I wasn't sure of the irregular rhyme scheme or the overall rhythm of the piece. I wasn't keen on the jolly 'caps - saps' internal rhyme, on top of an 'eye - sky' rhyme; both seem incongrous in the context of the 'cruel monotony' of the 'paving-slab' sky.

And I wasn't sure of the syntax of the penultimate line:

A day, that I once heard it sighed,
Still, some good images in an evocative poem.

[Hawkman]

Hi B/V and thanks for reading and commenting. I would point out that I make no claim to have written a sonnet :D see my reply to Bar. I suppose I should be happy that you found something in it to like :D Your criticism of the penultimate line is entirely valid though. It is in fact a mistake but I left it in to see if anyone would pick up on it. It should read:

"A day, as once I heard it sighed,"

and I will correct it. That the poem may not be entirely to your taste I accept, with regret, but, for the most part, it works for me. Best, H