Could someone help me get this style across?

[agudm10]

Hey guys!
Basically I'm trying to convey the mindset of a human who's just been turned into a werewolf. It's the first day after being bitten and he losing his mind to his bestial side. He's also received an dramatic increase in his senses and has a predisposed way of thinking to certain things I.E Blood, Puncture holes. (Insert generic vampire vs werewolf plot)

I'm not really sure how to convey it, any advice?



A bleeding woman. Puncture holes in her neck. Blood, red, repulsion. I walk away. The woman remains screaming. Disgust. I arrive at school. Trivial knowledge. Can't concentrate. Words jumble about the page. Lost. Hunger. I devoured a sandwich. Hungry still. Hayley compliments my physique. Confused. Have I worked out? English. Speech. Delivered. Teacher notices change in vocals. Deeper. Resonating. Power. History. Bram Stoker. Vampires. Disgusting concept. American Indians. Wolves. Happy. Content. Interested. Phys Ed. Crazy fit. Beep test doesn't go any further. Coach compliments my stamina. Classmates are shocked. Hunger. School's out. Hayley walks besides. Perfume. Delicate. Soft. Sweet. So beautiful. Hungry. Farewell. Snow. Feels like home. Home. Hungry. Greetings. Bedroom. Sleep. Dream. Mountains. Howling. Primal savagery. Hungry. Awake. 10pm. Downstairs. Steak. Devour. Hungry. Walk to clear head. Clear sky. Still snowing. Cold. Perfect. Into the hills I walk. Thinking. Pondering. Hungry. 12pm. Heart beat. Crazy. Pain. Changing. Confused. Very confused. Metamorphasis. Pain. PAIN. HUNGRY. Blackout. 7am. Naked in snow. Not hungry. Confused. Dream? Home.

[hillwalker]

Not my most favourite genre..... but

I would suggest describing in passing (rather than making a big deal of it) how his senses have suddenly become more enhanced

- colours suddenly flashing vividly before his eyes, and the ability perhaps to see a wider spectrum (infra-red or ultra-violet maybe)

- sounds he was never able to hear before (particularly menacing sounds like tre roots writhing underground or insects scuttling underneath the bark of a tree)

- his sense of balance is so finely tuned that he knows he can never fall flat on his face, like a cat that always lands on all four feet

- and to emphasize the bloodlust - his smell and taste are amplified (he can smell blood on the air as he passes a hospital perhaps and suddenly felt his digestive juices flowing).

- as for the obsession with wounds or punctures to the body, could he perhaps injure himself slightly and take great delight in trying to dig deeper into his own flesh until he realises what he really needs is to taste the flesh of another's

I'm sure you get the picture - but make sure you let the reader experience these changes through him not through you.

Good luck.
H

[Alexander III]

To many full stops, use different types of punctuation, the excess full stops almost make it seem satirical

[agudm10]

Thanks for the pointers, I'll write it up anew when I get home from work.

Also, I'm trying to convey his thought process as extremely simpleminded hence all the full stops. Is there another approach I could take for this?

[dafydd manton]

Maybe a combination of what you have done with, as suggested, fewer full stops, but still slightly staccato, as a wolf would breathe. But it would have to be measured, not random, a syllable count, in other words.

Plus, as Hillwalker suggested, a heightening of the senses, especially smell, taste and hearing. Open vowel sounds, as in a wolf howling, maybe?

[hillwalker]

I missed the point of the original posting - I thought the ramblings at the bottom were notes to be used in writing up the story later, rather than the intended finished article.

It doesn't really tell a story as it stands - unless these random words are meant to appear in bubbles as part of a graphic novel. On its own there are too many blanks that need filling in.

It might help if you imagine your tale as a film you are directing - and describe various scenes/thoughts/internal dialogue as the story moves forward. This will give it more momentum than what you have at present - which looks more like a word puzzle than a story.

H