pulverize

[Haunted]

pulverize


she’s going to stay with mom
every daughter does
when they leave
their husbands
but then her mom...
mom died when she was
sixteen

he is ALL
she’s got

she checked into Hudson
an off Broadway boutique hotel
where its cocktail lounge floats
psychedelically on a lit glass floor

under stark white bedsheets
she felt around for him
he’s supposed to be here
he is not here

she can’t breathe
without him

so it became clear
crystal clear...

tomorrow
she will check out at noon
or when the meds wear off
whichever comes first

tomorrow
she will take the E train
go ten stops downtown

tomorrow
when he gets off work
she will be there
in the lobby
where they first met
in the elevator
going up 98 floors

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him

but she did not know
there will be no train service
no lobby no elevator no building
no tomorrow

she will have
no body

she did not know that
when she falls into a deep sleep
on the night of September tenth
two thousand one

[NikolaiI]

oh it's so beautiful dear, so beautiful yet so sad.

i think anyone who reads this has to be moved.

[angliholic]

It's hauntingly beautiful yet sad!
I love this piece so much!

[Buh4Bee]

I like this, because its another NYC story. I am not crazy about the name, but I guess it is appropriate.

[Haunted]

thanks Nik, I felt as though you're the first responder here, very comforting :)

thanks Ang for your kind words

Jersea, thanks for your comment, glad you like a NYC story. I didn't like the title either, it's not a pretty title, but its not a pretty poem either. Don't want to gross anyone out but in the explosions and the subsequent collapse of the towers, some people were pulverized. There is no trace of them. So some families and she has no body [to bury], and she has no body [nobody] because he is all she's got and he's now gone forever. Hope that makes sense.

[Delta40]

we never know our fate. I like the personal portrait you painted here.

[NikolaiI]

thanks Nik, I felt as though you're the first responder here, very comforting :)

As I was thinking about this, and something else you wrote, this quote from The Brothers Karamazov came to mind. It's from a chapter of the Talks and Homilies of Father Zosimov, a saintly monk in the novel.

'Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: "Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today." For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord--and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not. And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did nto know him at all, nor he you. How moving it is for his soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him. And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are. And he will forgive him for your sake.'

(from Google books, not sure if this link will come up http://books.google.com/books?id=z1k_AxXUvmEC&pg=PA319&lpg=PA319&dq=%22all+flows+and+connects%22+touch+it+one+place&source=bl&ots=QltrP2R24q&sig=nvgbn8J3Tc_nMcgsmecEjDNkuEY&hl=en&ei=EruNTKhrwfjwBuKU_OQL&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBIQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22all%20flows%20and%20connects%22%20touch%20it% 20one%20place&f=false k it seems to have - the above quote is a little above that place...)

[Maryd.]

Oh dear haunted. A thousand stories in one dear. You painted such a sad but true picture of the loss and suffering of 9/11. Even now.

[Haunted]

Thanks Delta. Probably a good thing that we dont...


Mary my dear, a thousand stories indeed.



As I was thinking about this, and something else you wrote, this quote from The Brothers Karamazov came to mind. It's from a chapter of the Talks and Homilies of Father Zosimov, a saintly monk in the novel.

'Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: "Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today." For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord--and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not. And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did nto know him at all, nor he you. How moving it is for his soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him. And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are. And he will forgive him for your sake.'


yes I did. There are those unaccounted for, those who have not been reported missing because there's no one in their lives to report them missing. This quote is as though written for them. Thanks Nik for remembering them.

[dafydd manton]

What a terrific tragedy - how one small action, leaving temporarily, can wreck lives. It's a really touching, sad piece, beautifully written. Well done, well done.

[hillwalker]

A great poem that focuses on one tiny, insignificant life which makes everything surrounding it seem more real.

The way you describe her day in such detail brought her to life for me which makes the ending much more poignant (handled more sensationally it could have come across as desperate - but this doesn't)

My only niggle (and yes, I do have one) is

but then her mom...
mom died when she was
sixteen

which does sound like a desperate pluck at the reader's heartstrings. Considering you do such a great job with the rest of the poem perhaps this information could be conveyed more subtly.....

Otherwise I would have to say this is certainly one of your best

H

[dafydd manton]

I keep trying hard not to think of how awful this is, but I keep coming back to the poem, it is truly haunting - no pun, no joke. It really is one of bits of work that keeps flooding back.

[Bar22do]

pulverize


she’s going to stay with mom
every daughter does
when they leave
their husbands
but then her mom...
mom died when she was
sixteen

he is ALL
she’s got

she checked into Hudson
an off Broadway boutique hotel
where its cocktail lounge floats
psychedelically on a lit glass floor

between ironed bedsheets
she felt around for him
he’s supposed to be here
yet he is not

she can’t breathe
without him

so it became clear
crystal clear...

tomorrow
she will check out at noon
or when the meds wear off
whichever comes first

tomorrow
she will take the E train
go ten stops downtown

tomorrow
when he gets off work
she will be there
in the lobby
where they first met
/as strangers/ in the elevator (I think as strangers is unnecessary)
going up 98 floors

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him




till this S the poem flew beautifully, it built up to something which IMVHO (in my very humble opinion) should be strongly climatic and less obvious than

but she did not know
there will be no train service
no lobby no elevator no building
no tomorrow

she will have
no body

she did not know any of that
when she fell aleep just before midnight
on September tenth
two thousand one

I don't know exactly what to suggest, but I'd go for something showing, short, interrupted...

On the whole, a valuable and subtle tribute, Haunted. Thanks a lot

[Maryd.]

I keep trying hard not to think of how awful this is, but I keep coming back to the poem, it is truly haunting - no pun, no joke. It really is one of bits of work that keeps flooding back.

Yes... This is true... I close my eyes and get flashbacks of the rubble and debris and the sorrow on the faces of those that lost.

[Haunted]

Dafy, no doubt you can relate to this, you have your London version. Mary said it so well, when you think back all you see are the faces of loss and indescribable anguish.


Hill, you can have more than one niggle! I'll try to find another way to say it, I don't want to take it out, what I wanted to say is, many goes back to their parents in this bad situation, but even that for her is wishful thinking...


Bar, I know I know! It was a subtle but punchy ending originally, but then I wasn't sure if that's clear enough without talking about the desvastation. Let me look at it again. Thanks for pointing that out!!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, the business about her Mom was a bit intrusive and irrelevant. The tragedy would have taken place whether she had a Mom to stat with or not, but that's a very minor point contrasted with the sadness of the poem and the dignity with which it's conveyed.

[Haunted]

thanks Prince. I changed the part about her mom, and went back to an earlier version of the ending.

[NikolaiI]

Hm. I liked it better the first time! I should have said something before you changed it. :(

Prince you are my 2nd on my list of favorite poems on here, but in this case I disagree with you. Of course the poem is still good, but it better originally. So often the first draft is best.

[Haunted]

oooohhhhh I'm losing my touch...

let's see what Jerry has to say when he returns from rehab.

[NikolaiI]

do you still have the original version?

what rehab is he in?

[Haunted]

yes I kept a copy of the first one.

the same one Sponge Bob went to.

[NikolaiI]

haha, really glad you do. I recommend you change it back to its original -- and I am really sorry I didn't say this sooner, the first one was perfect as it is -- and then put the updated version just in a later post...

[Haunted]

good idea. The original version is restored in the first post. Here's the revised version. (you guys are so hard to please :p)




pulverize


she's going to stay with mom
every daughter does
when they leave
their husbands
but that won’t work for her
her mom died long before

he is ALL
she’s got

she checked into Hudson
an off Broadway boutique hotel
where its cocktail lounge floats
psychedelically on a lit glass floor

between ironed bedsheets
she felt around for him
she starts to panick

she can’t breathe
without him

so it became clear
crystal clear...

tomorrow
she will check out at noon
or when the meds wear off
whichever comes first

tomorrow
she will take the E train
go ten stops downtown

tomorrow
when he gets off work
she will be there
in the lobby
where they first met
going up ninety-eight floors

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him

tomorrow
she would know
there will be
no tomorrow

and she will have
no body

but she didn’t know that
when she fell asleep
just before midnight
on September tenth
two thousand one

[NikolaiI]

Oh... wonderful, now we've still got the first one.

Basically, the first part seems a lot more powerful in your original version. And I like the rest of it better, I wouldn't change anything. I think on this one your first instincts were perfect. Thanks for putting the original version back up!! :)

ah, don't know how to say it... but just that the first one sounds perfect, it's your voice, and especially the first two stanzas are perfect, deep feeling and powerful - and the other one is crippled, and doesn't sound half as good, it doesn't have the purity and force of the first one, which is your voice completely and is perfect for that reason.

[Haunted]

yeah, I did feel the second one lost some of its edge too although it gained some subtlety. I guess there's always a trade off...Thanks for weighing in Nik.

[Janine]

Beautiful poem, Haunted...I think this is one of your finest. I like the idea and how you expressed it. Your poems are always so effective. Keep writing!

[Bar22do]

"Bar, I know I know! It was a subtle but punchy ending originally, but then I wasn't sure if that's clear enough without talking about the desvastation. Let me look at it again. Thanks for pointing that out!!"

Is it the one you posted as second here, the original you mentioned to me? Then yes, much better, though I'd still suggest to lose the last S (wordy) and to trust that the reader understand with just an allusion. Also, I'd separate the two parts, N telling about her decisions re tomorrow, and the knowledge N reveals to the reader re tomorrow.

Just a try, if you allow:

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him

........

tomorrow
she would know
there will be
no tomorrow

and she will have
no body

but now she fell asleep
comforted,
into nine/eleven.

this or some other clue (there is one already in "98 floors up")

Finally, I'm also hesitant about S1. You could start the poem with S starting:
"She checked into..."
and place
"he's all
she's got"
right after "...without him" (I wouldn't capitalize "all").

I hope this is helpful, and as usual - please feel free to toss, yours is the last voice, it's your poem!
Enjoyed.
Best.

[Hawkman]

Actually Haunted, on the whole I think this is a pretty good poem, although I would drop the itallicised lines as they read like sub headings and disrupt the flow of the piece.

Best H

[dafydd manton]

Haunted, I liked the revision but I still prefer the original, it is more raw and "of the moment". And I also think it is one of your very best, which given the quality overall, speaks volumes. Thanks.

[Haunted]

Bar, your ideas are solid but in this particular case it actually needs to reference 9/11. Not everyone knows what floors the plane hit. And despite subway/compass directions, no one really can pinpoint it as NYC, but even then they may not make the connection to the Twin Towers. Even my friend who lives across the stateline didn't get it the first time until I told her to re-read the last stanza. Some transparency is necessary, or else it gets lost as some tragic event that involves a building but didn't convey the horror that not only was he killed, he was pulverized. And that she was left with no body in every sense of the word.




Hawk, thanks so much for your kind comment and feedback. The itals tell a story within story, it's also the heart of the poem and in a way it's independent of the events of 9/11. it's a standalone.

he is ALL
she’s got

=

she can’t breathe
without him

=

she will have
no body





ah, now I remember why it says mom died when she was sixteen, it's not just something shoved in there to evoke sympathy. For sympathy I would add the word "just" — mom died when she was just sixteen, but that wasn't what I wanted to say and I made it as a matter of fact. What its saying is, until he came along years later, her life is a void left by her mother when she died. Thats how central he is in her life.

[Hawkman]

"Hawk, thanks so much for your kind comment and feedback. The itals tell a story within story, it's also the heart of the poem and in a way it's independent of the events of 9/11. it's a standalone."

Yes, I understand that, Haunted, and really that's kind of my point. It is a separate poem which disrupts the flow of the main body of the work. As a separate poem it is very good in its own right, but personally, I don't think they work together. Still, it's your poem :D

Thanks for letting us see it.

Best, H

[Haunted]

oh now I see your point :D thanks Hawk!

Janine, you are always so supportive. Thanks :)

Dafy, you are a gem!

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Haunted
SpongeBob sends his regards
The original gets my vote, but its the way of things that people will like different versions. If you agree with the changes then change and if not, dont as its what you want to say and how you want to say it that matters. I've changed a few of mine when I have read comments and thought 'you are absolutely right'.

To the poem itself, it felt epic, like the events and I liked the mixing in of the subjects life, as its not just a tale of the towers, its a tale of the people they took and this one individual with her own story wiped out.

Its also written by a New Yorker who in a way has more right to write it and its one of your best (though I am clinging on to 1948)
cheers Lady H
Jerry

[Virgil]

A very interesting poem Haunted. It captures the sadness of the day in a character. I liked this stanza in particular:


she checked into Hudson
an off Broadway boutique hotel
where its cocktail lounge floats
psychedelically on a lit glass floor

[Bar22do]

Bar, your ideas are solid but in this particular case it actually needs to reference 9/11. Not everyone knows what floors the plane hit. And despite subway/compass directions, no one really can pinpoint it as NYC, but even then they may not make the connection to the Twin Towers. Even my friend who lives across the stateline didn't get it the first time until I told her to re-read the last stanza. Some transparency is necessary, or else it gets lost as some tragic event that involves a building but didn't convey the horror that not only was he killed, he was pulverized. And that she was left with no body in every sense of the word.

For sure, I just thought the reference could be short (nine/eleven somewhere in the text). But again - you're the highest authority of your poems!
Best of lucks with this one.

[Haunted]

Thanks so much, Virgil!



Bar, really value your comments!! :)



Hi Jerry! How's Bob? Hope he's not sponging off you...er, or is it you sponging off him? Never mind, I don't want to know :D

Thanks for your vote :). oh yeah, who can forget 1948, your version, I mean!

[Lynne50]

Thanks, Haunted, for this beautiful poem. My small town lost someone on 9/11. He went to the same high school as my daughter. Very poignant piece.

[Haunted]

Thanks so much Lynne. Oh, so sad. My neighbor lost her niece.

[Jerrybaldy]

No Haunted not my tribute but your original tour de force:

Love Story



let’s do something
different today

let’s take a trip
to September of 1948

let’s dress up
as a Hollywood couple

let’s do a stunt
and scale the steepest cliff

let’s pose for the camera
and kiss like there’s no tomorrow

let’s write our own script
of seduction, love, lust and betrayal

let’s rehearse our lines
for the riveting, tear jerking last scene

let’s give me your best acting
pretend you love me more than you love her

let’s make a pact
that you will not hold me back on my way down



never grow tired of it.
Jerry

[Haunted]

no no, this is the one I have in mind...


48 Crash
by our very own Jerrybaldy

She haunted her hotel room for three weeks that summer
overlooking the HOLLYWOOD sign.
She stood on her balcony, when needing some air
and held the H between finger and thumb.
Inside the dimly lit room,
Glen Miller was forever in the mood,
but the needle jumped more each day.
Room service squeaked the trolley in
daily at one thirty.
One waldorf salad and a screwdriver.
She would blow dark red kisses at the bellboy.
As he left each day, she would ask
'Whatever happened to Baby jane?'

She lit her cigarette ,
held chic in it's holder
and set her neck free of her boa.
Nails uncut for three weeks
tore ragged through the feathers.
Dropping her dress to the floor
she floated to the bathroom
pouring taps, lighting candles
and casting red petals afloat.
As she sank in the water
her cigarette died with a hiss.
She checked her watch.
One thirty.
The squeaking wheels arrived.
'Boy' she shouted,
clearing petals to expose.
The boy hesitated in the room,
small steps taking him to the bath.
Springing from the water
she pulled him back in,
holding his head underwater
by his bellboy hat.
When she let go he burst out
mouth open, sucking for air.
She clamped her mouth over his
and wrapped her legs around him,
long nails ripping his jacket,
candles flickering,
petals sticking to her skin.
From the room next door
Glen Miller was still in the mood.
Kiss done, she stood them both up
threw her hair out of her eyes
and instructed,
'Today I would like a pink gin'.



The best of the best in 1948. *sigh*

[Jerrybaldy]

A mere tribute. Now pack it in :P

[Haunted]

whatever you say boss :)

[Jerrybaldy]

thats the spirit :D