The loner

[GEETASHREE]

Questions for the day
Gone unanswered any way
A few thoughts stray...

Will I ever find my way?
In the meandering bay
Where the blue sky sways

In a lazy lusty way
"Never make hay
It's just a sultry day"

The green grass nod n' say
"You'll always find your way
As lone you tread your way"

I step in and softly pray
That I find at last my way
In the tortuous pathway

But a few thoughts stray
Still tickle my mind and say
You've yet not found your way
And answers till this day...

[GEETASHREE]

I had posted the first stanza of this poem in the Haiku Game. But on further musing I found that it could be elaborated into a poem. I do not know whether I have broken any rules which may please be excused as a poet's idiosyncrasy.

[hillwalker]

Well.......... firstly haikus are meant not to rhyme,

and secondly, I think using the same end rhyme for 19 lines is pushing the limit on anyone's powers of endurance.

I've no doubt some of the thoughts you have expressed here are quite intriguing, about seeking answers in as many places as possible, but the montonous rhyming ruins it for me I'm afraid.

H

[Delta40]

I find the constant same rhyming sound a bit repetitive and it detracts from the poem which will flow better if it is more naturally written.

[angliholic]

Very meaningful and beautiful!
It read good to me though there are a bit too many rhymes!
It's a good poem on the whole!
I love it!
Thanks, Geeta!

[tailor STATELY]

Lots of rulz (sic) ostensibly broken. A visionary, a master !

Written in a very soft and young hand for a difficult question asked. Filled with the imagery of nature in affirmation against the natural 'man' as an undertone.

For me: That still small voice that is there in times of peace and solitude and need; if one but listen.

A critique:
"The green grass nod/[u] n' say" - perhaps better: The green grass [u]nods n' say.
"As lone you tread your way" - 'feels' a bit off (prolly just me)
"Gone unanswered any way" - 'anyway' ?
"Where the blue sky sway" - Where the blue sky sways
"In the tortuous pathway" - On the tortuous pathway

All said and done (I actually wrote "all said and done" ?; smacks hand) the above critique is very 'me'; and the little nuances, as you have written them, lend to that soft and young hand I praised you for initially. So disregard my critique if that was your intention.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[GEETASHREE]

Well.......... firstly haikus are meant not to rhyme,

and secondly, I think using the same end rhyme for 19 lines is pushing the limit on anyone's powers of endurance.

I've no doubt some of the thoughts you have expressed here are quite intriguing, about seeking answers in as many places as possible, but the montonous rhyming ruins it for me I'm afraid.

H

Glad Mr. Hill of your threadbare critique. It's in fact extremely enriching for a learner and a novice like me. My humble submission : I was tired of the flowing lines and thought of writing something which does sound like a nursery rhyme but with a contemplative tone to it. Thanks for expressing your opinion freely on the same.

[GEETASHREE]

I find the constant same rhyming sound a bit repetitive and it detracts from the poem which will flow better if it is more naturally written.

As I have explained to Mr. Hill, I was back to my nursery days. Playful, repetitive and rhyme-addicted.

[GEETASHREE]

Very meaningful and beautiful!
It read good to me though there are a bit too many rhymes!
It's a good poem on the whole!
I love it!
Thanks, Geeta!

Thanks Angli, if you've liked it.

[GEETASHREE]

Lots of rulz (sic) ostensibly broken. A visionary, a master !

Written in a very soft and young hand for a difficult question asked. Filled with the imagery of nature in affirmation against the natural 'man' as an undertone.

For me: That still small voice that is there in times of peace and solitude and need; if one but listen.

A critique:
"The green grass nod/[u] n' say" - perhaps better: The green grass [u]nods n' say.
"As lone you tread your way" - 'feels' a bit off (prolly just me)
"Gone unanswered any way" - 'anyway' ?
"Where the blue sky sway" - Where the blue sky sways
"In the tortuous pathway" - On the tortuous pathway

All said and done (I actually wrote "all said and done" ?; smacks hand) the above critique is very 'me'; and the little nuances, as you have written them, lend to that soft and young hand I praised you for initially. So disregard my critique if that was your intention.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

Thanks for the extensive critique,

On a lighter note, rules are there to be broken,

Coming back to the critique, not such a soft and young hand though:)

Grass if I am not mistaken is also plural. If I say nods, I cannot write say. Can I?

The other grammatical follies, accepted and the stanzas will be edited accordingly.

Thanks for taking time to critquing my work in a detailed manner. Enlightened.

[tailor STATELY]

Thanks for the extensive critique, - You're welcome !


On a lighter note, rules are there to be broken, - On an even lighter note I was writing 'tongue and cheek'; I apologize for coming off 'cheeky'.


Coming back to the critique, not such a soft and young hand though - see above; also reference:
the little nuances, as you have written them, lend to that soft and young hand I praised you for initially. So disregard my critique if that was your intention.


Grass if I am not mistaken is also plural. If I say nods, I cannot write say. Can I? - You may do what you will, you're making the rulz. And, I might be mistaken... or not.


The other grammatical follies, accepted and the stanzas will be edited accordingly. - ref:
the little nuances, as you have written them, lend to that soft and young hand I praised you for initially. So disregard my critique if that was your intention. I do not see why you feel the need to change anything if you not wish to. I found your poem, as written, charming.


Thanks for taking time to critquing my work in a detailed manner. Enlightened. - (sigh) Leaves thread feeling like a schlemiel.

[kittypaws]

Geetashree ~ I don't write by rules either...and as a beginner you have to just put out you thoughts, your feelings, and even some of yourself. I love this site cuz there are sooooooo many here with much knowledge, don't let them intimidate you. Listen, learn and grow from their knowledge...but remember that this process does not happen over-night....be patience, practice and continue to ask for advice....and wear a heavy armor jacket!


You will grow, give it a chance.

kittypaws

[GEETASHREE]

Thanks Kittypaw for your invaluable advice. I'll remember always.............

[adityasam]

Forget the Rules, Aunt, this is a poem of sheer class. The first stanza itself pulled me in and please don't take rules into consideration, if this is your style of writing, no one save god can interfere (that's what I think). An absolute masterpiece. Great Work! An BTW, I loved the rhyme scheme too, all in the same tone, very tough to write and I appreciate your hardwork!


Will I ever find my way?
In the meandering bay
Where the blue sky sways

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