Exit

[Hawkman]

Rest your neck upon the line
And take a moment’s ease,
The 4:15 from Waterloo
Will pass soon with the breeze.

A regular occurrence
And a service which is free,
For those of suicidal bent
Who don’t live near a tree.

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Who have really got all day.

And why should they object at all
To helping someone out,
Who found life not worth living
When their plans went up the spout.

A tale to tell the family
When finally they're home:
A suicide delayed me,
At a junction outside Frome.

[Delta40]

your poem is nicely crafted and gives thought to the shallowness of life and how unaffected we might be to the plight of others on a sunny afternoon on the way home from lunch with friends.

[hillwalker]

This reminded me of Reginald Perrin for some reason (and his daily updates on delays during his commute to work). Of course it's black humour..... at its very best in this case. I loved it......

BUT as is customary on these pages I have to say I find the final line of verse 3 reads rather clumsily -

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Have really got all day.

unless it's meant to signify the smooth wheels of the train suddenly tripping over a set of points. The rhythm suddenly becomes lost for one moment.

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
'though afternoon commuters
Haven't really got all day.

manages to maintain the rhythm of those wheels, but of course changes the sense of what you were saying (perhaps too much).

It also reminded me of that notice on the platform in Penrith Railway station -

quote: Keep Back From the Platform Edge or you may get sucked off.

H

[Hawkman]

Ah, how are the mighty fallen! you are, of course quite right to point out the glitch in rhythm, hill, I'm a syllable short of perfection :D I think I'll leave it for now until I can come up with a fitting alternative...

Thanks Delta

Best, H

[dafydd manton]

I used to know a bloke whose job it was to attend every railway suicide between Doncaster and Lincoln, in the east of the country, and he always seemed very callous. He got to a meeting late, and told me about this type who had done just what you wrote about. I asked him if he was OK, and his reply? "Never mind that, mate, I've got to worry that my track's OK!" I must have looked shocked, because he said "Dave, if the track's damaged and a train comes off, its more than one life, that was unhappy anyway!" Salutory reminder of how fragile life is for some!

[Hawkman]

Well I came up with a fix for the glitch :D

I once met a chap, who, as a young apprentice on the railways, had the unenviable job of cleaning the undersides of locomotives. After an incident like this, he said, It wasn't a very nice job...

Best, H

[Delta40]

Well I came up with a fix for the glitch :D

I once met a chap, who, as a young apprentice on the railways, had the unenviable job of cleaning the undersides of locomotives. After an incident like this, he said, It wasn't a very nice job...

Best, H


My grandfather worked on the railways and used to regale tales of horror as we sat round his feet...

[Hawkman]

Must've been great at Halloween!

[PrinceMyshkin]

How effectively that suicide "At a junction outside Frome" concludes the callous jauntiness of this poem, as if it is necessary to specify "Frome" to distinguish that one from the many others that may have taken place at any number of other junctions. Bravo!

[Hawkman]

Thanks Prince. :D

Actually, hill's observation about Reggie Perrin (I don't know how familiar non UK reader may be with the satirical sitcom) was very astute, as it was at the back of my mind when I dreamed this one up. Certainly I felt that a specific location was needed to wind the poem up but I would hope that suicide by train, is, in reality, not that common an occurance (although I beleive the Underground is a popular venue). Thanks for reading and commenting.

Live long and prosper. H

[Jerrybaldy]

Hawk
I refer you to my comments and others on Delta's post 'Going back'.
That done I love the nonchalant manner of your poem and dare I say its britishness, although I suspect that is just an illusion that all nations share that we are defined by a charcteristic. I took note that no dragons wandered the waterloo line. Dead dragon would be a bugger to clean off the lines.
Real fun to read.
Jerry

[Bar22do]

Just a smile, in passing, to salute the entertainment you offer unfailingly...!.

[Hawkman]

JB Thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed it :D (I will refresh my mind about your reference to Delta's post in a mo...)

Sweet Bar,
As you say I was just offering entertainment with this one, perhaps I should draw your attention to some of my good work on the next page, where it is dissapearing without trace :D You needn't feel obliged to disinter it though, unless you consider it particularly worthy of comment.

Live and be well, H

[blank|verse]

Yeah, that line is a bit bumpy:

Who've really got all day?
Who really have all day?
Otherwise, it's well written, but it's difficult to work out where the sympathies of the narrator really lie: with the person committing suicide, or with the disrupted commuters? The slightly jokey tone of the lines:

For those of suicidal bent
Who don’t live near a tree.
perhaps suggests the narrator is more with the commuters, which I find a bit troubling to be honest, and mars my enjoyment of the poem.

[Bastard Child]

For afternoon commuters
Who have really got all day.

If you're still looking for possible suggestions, it seems a simple one for me to offer:

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Really have all day.

("For" is here used as a conjunction, as opposed to your earlier meaning)
I mean, my suggestion is a bit shorter perhaps and doesn't follow the exact poetic meter, but it keeps the internal rhythm of the stanza, or so I find. One seems to hang onto the double-ell of 'really' just long enough to make the point somehow when reading it aloud with proper metering...

[Bar22do]

JB
Sweet Bar,
As you say I was just offering entertainment with this one, perhaps I should draw your attention to some of my good work on the next page, where it is dissapearing without trace :D You needn't feel obliged to disinter it though, unless you consider it particularly worthy of comment.

Live and be well, H

How can I possibly consider the value of your work on the next page unless I disinter it!

Back here: you seem not to have caught the irony in my comment ("entertainment") but never mind. :wink5:

Like hill, I also tripped on that last line:

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Who have really got all day.

I'm sure you'll come up with sth better instead (like "anyway bored all day" or "sensation hungry all day", "commuters' - fill for sensation all day"...), . but in the second I don't think you need a comma after "pay"...

[Hawkman]

Yeah, that line is a bit bumpy:

Who've really got all day?
Who really have all day?
Otherwise, it's well written, but it's difficult to work out where the sympathies of the narrator really lie: with the person committing suicide, or with the disrupted commuters? The slightly jokey tone of the lines:

perhaps suggests the narrator is more with the commuters, which I find a bit troubling to be honest, and mars my enjoyment of the poem.

Hi B/V thanks for sparing this rather slight piece the time :D

I think the problem with that line is the double aspirant which prevents the line from from flowing well, even though the syllable count is ok. Maybe the best solution would be "who can really spare a day."

To be honest, I don't think the narrator has sympathy for either the suicide or the commuters :D


If you're still looking for possible suggestions, it seems a simple one for me to offer:

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Really have all day.

("For" is here used as a conjunction, as opposed to your earlier meaning)
I mean, my suggestion is a bit shorter perhaps and doesn't follow the exact poetic meter, but it keeps the internal rhythm of the stanza, or so I find. One seems to hang onto the double-ell of 'really' just long enough to make the point somehow when reading it aloud with proper metering...

Thanks for thinking about it, but your suggested solution doesn't work for me, I'm afraid...


How can I possibly consider the value of your work on the next page unless I disinter it!

Back here: you seem not to have caught the irony in my comment ("entertainment") but never mind. :wink5:

Like hill, I also tripped on that last line:

An interrupted journey
Is a minor price to pay,
For afternoon commuters
Who have really got all day.

I'm sure you'll come up with sth better instead (like "anyway bored all day" or "sensation hungry all day", "commuters' - fill for sensation all day"...), . but in the second I don't think you need a comma after "pay"...


Sweet Bar, that you devoted time, along with other noteable worthies, to pondering my lapse is entirely gratififying but as you will see above, I have come up with a sort of solution :D

With regard to your suggestion about the comma: I'm not sure that I agree. as one sentance, "An interrupted journey is a minor price to pay for afternoon commuters who have really got all day." doesn't read well for me. there is a natural break in the halfway point where I put the comma.

Actually, I thought I had picked up on the irony of your "Entertainment" comment :D

Thank you all again for giving this piece your attention.

Live long and prosper. H

[Haunted]

Oh dear, I missed the Exit, pardon the pun. The poem has a really good kick to it, it makes my avatar proud :D

A regular occurrence
And a service which is free,
For those of suicidal bent
Who don’t live near a tree.

Those are my favorite lines. Hanging wouldn't have annoyed as many people as passengers on a rush hour train and generated that kind of family-friendly conversations. The cynical social commentary is spot on.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Haunted, glad you appreciated it :D