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Sampson
09-09-2010, 09:29 PM
'tap out sweet poetry
let these fingers flow
over the keys like these
words wash over me
sitting under a tree
by the sea in my mind
crafting rhymes from the
nature my mind perceives
and i breath the sweet
summer time breeze
and i'm free

i feel like i'm flying
riding the rhythm on
a raft crafted from
rhymes with nothing
more than dime bag
and this beautiful
madness which
consumes my mind
and white lines on
highways fade into
vision while i'm spitting
and my mission is clear
once more

one two three four
my folklore core
the muse the future
i talked about before
a midnight call in the
hall and an unlawful
falling sensation
all the impatient pacing
all the times she set my
mind racing
i took the feeling and
put pen to paper'

and you are every poem
i've ever written
for exactly that reason

hillwalker
09-10-2010, 07:38 AM
This is good - it has a certain swing to it, and I love the idea of one person (?) being the crystalisation of every poem you have ever written.

The second verse is best by far - i has a brilliant opening.

One very minir point - line breaks are usually controlled by the writer through instinct; less important than punctuation and something that can be rearranged at will (sometimes it's down to how wide the sheet of paper is or the font size on the screen)..... BUT a couple of your lines break oddly :

crafting rhymes from the
nature my mind perceives

and

a midnight call in the
hall and an unlawful
falling sensation

If you pause for the slightest intake of breath at the end of each line you'll see why the two examples above need changing (imo a line would never end with 'the')

also 'breath' in line 9 should probably be 'breathe'

H

breathtest
09-10-2010, 08:23 AM
this would definitely sound good spoken