E-Male

[hillwalker]

E-Male

I guess it’s hard to trust a guy you haven’t even met –
a guy you’ve only flirted and conversed with on the Net.
There’s nothing in my profile that would make a chick think twice,
and my photo (slightly air-brushed - true) makes me look rather nice.

<I play guitar, know fifteen chords>

<Support Chicago Bears>

<I shook hands with Obama - and I always say my prayers>

<My favourite snacks are chicken wings….. and cookie dough ice cream>

<I work-out every morning with my own keep-fit regime>

<I hang out at the library ‘cos the chicks there think I’m cool>

<I love to read Walt Whitman since we studied him at school>

<I’ve bought an Alpine M1 Carbine nearly good as new>

<I keep it in my bedroom with my Magnum 32>

<My favourite film is ‘Avatar’ – I watched it in 3-D>

<Oh, mostly I eat Mexican>

<I’ve got a Ph. D>

<I own a loft apartment that overlooks the lake>

<I holiday in Vegas>

<Favourite poet? William Blake>

<My ideal girl’s a red-head - and green eyes are the best>

<The attributes I value most? An awesome pair of breasts…..>

<I work freelance in real estate>

<I own a private yacht…..>

<So how about some naked pictures…..show me what you got?>

But seriously,
I’m not a creep - I’m just a stricken soul
who’s stuck in cyber-limbo….. while awaiting his parole.
In here I can be anyone, you wouldn’t have a clue.
I tricked you, see,
I’m just some punk…..
So….. are you really you?

H

[Hawkman]

That was very entertaining hill and I really enjoyed it. Nice one :D H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I was a bit confused my his mention of the two weapons he owns. That didn't seem to bit with the 'ideal guy' image he was putting forward, the passion for Blake, the Ph D... (but then, of course, he asks for naked photos straight off the bat).

What nimble wit there is throughout this; and, I believe, how truthful a depiction of some of what goes on in these dating sites.

[hillwalker]

Thanks both - and of course, Prince, the guy is so self-absorbed in trying to create the ideal profile he believes will appeal to the ladies of America that he fails to logically separate his true life and his on-line bio.

H

[AuntShecky]

This is a cute little parody of what used to be called "personal ads" in newspapers, but now that print media are moribund, one can assume it also parodies the blurbs on internet dating sites.

I know that the speaker isn't the author himself as it's difficult to believe that a Chicago Bears fan would live in Scotland, where the inhabitants are more interested in soccer, golf, and what's called on this side of the ol' pond "Scottish Games."

I'm going to have to second the Prince's opinion on this. Some of the other self-proclaimed attributes listed by the male in search of a mate just don't add up or seem to belong to somebody else. For instance, I can't imagine a Ph.D. packin' heat. As far as looking for a "chick" who is
well, "pneumatic"--to use Aldous Huxley's quaint term-- I hope he doesn't think she will have a Ph.D. as well. Researchers have discovered that a woman's intelligence is inversely proportionate to the size of her chest. (It's true!-- "Google" it.) In retrospect, it goes a long way in explaining all those lonely Saturday nights in yours fooly's
past.

On the other hand, I must be really, really smart!

Nah. I kid, I kid.

[hillwalker]

Thanks Aunty - and you are very intuitive. It ain't me, babe, as the song goes. And as for his Ph D - well he lied of course (trying to impress the ladies regarding the size of his hippocampus perhaps).

H

[dafydd manton]

Neatly slotted between sixth and seventh rib, sharp as a scalpel, and so sadly true. Oddly, I thought the bit about the weapons just illustrated a sad-act trying to be what he's not. I really like this one, Sir. Wonderfully cynical. Cheers!

[Delta40]

i like it Hill. sounds like you visited some singles sites to get the particulars....

[hillwalker]

Thanks daf - and Delta, purely for research you understand :-)

[Delta40]

WD40 takes her profile off eharmony.....and smiles at Hill.

I understand

[hillwalker]

Your secret is safe with me, that's one I've not been near!

[Delta40]

there's more than one? seriously though, I visited some years ago but I just got propositioned and not for a relationship! even when your profile says you're looking for a relationship, they still want to give you something short sharp and supposedly sweet!
....so I took up poetry and landed here, in Lit-net!

[tailor STATELY]

So….. are you really you?

I had to laugh inwardly after your last line. A bit of apprehension here as comic relief by the protagonist. It would be some comeuppance if he/she was to be victimized by like ilk; or less rare - were the cyberstalker rooted out by the lawful authorities where his/her (I shan't discriminate) physical apprehension might be realized once more.

Might make further fodder (further fodder ?) for another story.

Well done.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
from Folsom Prison (more tarradiddle ?),
tailor STATELY

[hillwalker]

Thanks tailor - I was conscious that a fraud probably distrusts everybody, even those he/she is trying to fool.

[blank|verse]

Good stuff, hill - nice and contemporary, playing with how people can manipulate their image online.

If the reader hadn't cottoned on to the tongue-in-cheek nature of this, then the rhyming couplets sure nod the reader the wink that there's some comic intent behind all this. Nicely done.

[angliholic]

Very original, creative, and entertaining!
It reads so good!

[hillwalker]

Thanks b|v and angli both - glad it brought a smile.

[Skia]

Wow.
Thats Awesome :)

[hillwalker]

'Merci beaucoup' as we seem to be celebrating 'la belle Francaise' this afternoon.

[Skia]

'Merci beaucoup' as we seem to be celebrating 'la belle Francaise' this afternoon.

Haha !

I honestly don't know why but i've got this... well, "thing" about France, French, anything really!

I really don't know know why!

But hey, Le Français est une bonne langue !

:P

[hillwalker]

'Mais oui, c'est tres belle' as they say in Barnsley.

[Skia]

Haha,

Oui oui! Très Bien ! :)

[Jerrybaldy]

sacre bleu !
Very funny Hill. BTW I liked what I read and I am free next friday, I will be under the clock tower at six with a red carnation a blonde curly wig and an air of expectation. :P

[Haunted]

a lot of fun in this one Hill. The list brought a few chuckles. Very smart ending.

[hillwalker]

Thanks Haunted.... and sorry, Jerr, but my parole got turned down after all :-(

[Skia]

Haha,
Made me chuckle..
My french obsession has dispersed for today.

Who knows what next,
It may be Puppies, or Cakes...
Maybe pizza...

But I doubt a poem about cakes and pizza would give anyone a good read... :P

[hillwalker]

Whatever feeds your muse..... I'm sure there's a poem hiding in there somewhere beneath all them calories!

[Skia]

I'm sure there's a poem hiding in there somewhere beneath all them calories!

I suppose so, and when the poem surfaces, I'll be sure to post it on here ! :D

[hillwalker]

Yumyum

[dafydd manton]

Haha,
Made me chuckle..
My french obsession has dispersed for today.

Who knows what next,
It may be Puppies, or Cakes...
Maybe pizza...

But I doubt a poem about cakes and pizza would give anyone a good read... :P

You are hereby challenged to a Pizza and Cake Poem, probably best posted on Delta's "Stupid Stanza", which contains some of the worst poetry wot we could rite, that nite. Rright?

[Bar22do]

E-Male

I guess it’s hard to trust a guy you haven’t even met –
a guy you’ve only flirted and conversed with on the Net.
There’s nothing in my profile that would make a chick think twice,
and my photo (slightly air-brushed - true) makes me look rather nice.

<I play guitar, know fifteen chords>

<Support Chicago Bears>

<I shook hands with Obama - and I always say my prayers>

<My favourite snacks are chicken wings….. and cookie dough ice cream>

<I work-out every morning with my own keep-fit regime>

<I hang out at the library ‘cos the chicks there think I’m cool>

<I love to read Walt Whitman since we studied him at school>

<I’ve bought an Alpine M1 Carbine nearly good as new>

<I keep it in my bedroom with my Magnum 32>

<My favourite film is ‘Avatar’ – I watched it in 3-D>

<Oh, mostly I eat Mexican>

<I’ve got a Ph. D>

<I own a loft apartment that overlooks the lake>

<I holiday in Vegas>

<Favourite poet? William Blake>

<My ideal girl’s a red-head - and green eyes are the best>

<The attributes I value most? An awesome pair of breasts…..>

<I work freelance in real estate>

<I own a private yacht…..>

<So how about some naked pictures…..show me what you got?>

But seriously,
I’m not a creep - I’m just a stricken soul
who’s stuck in cyber-limbo….. while awaiting his parole.
In here I can be anyone, you wouldn’t have a clue.
I tricked you, see,
I’m just some punk…..
So….. are you really you?

H

Entertaining, indeed, and each line could develop into an individual comical poem, like "in a pair of awesome breasts, N would love to nest, he therefore..." etc.
Anyway, your last S is rather unsettling!
But the idea of your poem as well as its execution laudable!
(sorry to come to this so late)

[hillwalker]

Never too late Bar - thanks.