The dreamed man by Astrid1968

[Astrid1968]

The dreamed man.

He looks just like him. It must be him. He has the same first and last name. Although it is a common name I know it is him on the shielded Facebook profile. I only see him lying on a bed on his stomach. I have a similar photo of a man lying like that. This man has a similar 6 foot body, a bit fuller than the man on the photo 16 years ago. He is the man I was looking for. I send him a private message. Just adding him to my friends list feels like invading his privacy. The last time I saw him my daughter was only a couple of weeks old. I ask him if he remembers me. Of course he does even though he cannot remember the engagement party. He says that period of time is a blur for him. A couple of days later on MSN we talk some more. He lives only 5 minutes away by train. When we heat up the conversation the next Sunday he wants to meet me right away.

The resemblance to the man on the old photo is creepy. He has hardly changed. Still the same dark blonde curly hair. My daughter has the same hair but fairer. He is more mature but he still has the same kind eyes. The eyes are the mirrors of the soul. I look him straight in the eye but he looks away. Is he shy? I hardly know the man even though he is my daughter's blood. In my mind I call him "the dreamed man". What a silly name. I did not make it up myself. I must have heard it somewhere before.

He makes a perfect coffee and we both cannot stop talking. I fill up the gaps in his memory. "I hate him", he says and his eyes change. "I hate who he was and resent the bad things he did and still does". I reply he is still the father of my daughter and change the subject to the man's son. A happy 10-year-old smiling on pictures from every corner of the livingroom. I feel a bit jealous. I wished my daughter had a loving father like that. He asks me about my daughter. Mý daughter, not his. I tell him she is doing fine but she has no bond with her father. The man's eyes change and he says it is his fault his son has never met my daughter and he has no direct family because the rest of the family is also torn apart. I feel so sad for the boy I have not even met yet. A small boy with an angelic face and light blonde curly hair who was so happy when my daughter contacted him on his Facebook a week before.
He brings me to the train station and I lie awake half of the night, his eyes forever in my mind. They look like the same brown eyes I have seen for such a long time but with a different expression. Two sides of a coin. Good and bad.

2 days later he asks me on MSN what I think of him. I tell him he is still the same wonderful person I remember from 16 years ago. He says I have not changed much and that he thinks I am intelligent. I thank him for the compliment but in my heart I would rather hear him say he thinks I am hot. The next day at work I google "The dreamed man". It is the title of a Dutch book about a man who died 10 years ago. His partner still meets him in her dreams and he is her perfect soulmate. They want to meet again in real life and that might be possible.

But this man is not dreamed up. He is real. They looked like twins 16 years ago even though they never grew up together. This man did not gain an extra 45 pounds. He is not a bad person but a good person.
He is not my ex-partner. He is his 2 years younger brother and I just cannot get him out of my mind.

[hillwalker]

A very intriguing piece of writing - particularly the way you pull the reader into the narrator's make-believe world (or is it real? who knows?).

There's a good deal of guesswork that has to be exercised on the part of the reader to picture the scenario and what the writer believes she is experiencing - although that's not a bad thing.

However, I did find myself floundering 2/3 of the way through when she starts writing about her daughter :


I wished my daughter had a loving father like that. He asks my about my daughter. My daughter, not his. I tell him she is doing fine but she has no bond with her father. His eyes change and he says it is her father´s fault his son has never met my daughter and he has no direct family because the rest of the family is also torn apart. The boy also has a broken family on his mother´s side. I feel so sad for the boy I haven’t even met yet but who was so happy when my daughter contacted him on his hyves a week before.

If this was trimmed slightly, keeping only those details essential to the plot, I believe it would emerge a stronger piece of writing.

H

[Astrid1968]

Thanks for your comments. I wrote it in half an hour on my cell phone tonight when I had missed my bus. I had to type it again though. You are right that part is too long. I tend to be lengthy in words.
I never wrote a short story before and English is not my native language.
And yes, it is real... this is what happened to me in the last 2 weeks.

[Steven Hunley]

I like this, it seemed real and not contrived. Interesting, thought-provoking. Just the right length. Up-to date! Send more!

[Astrid1968]

Thank you. :)

[Technophile]

While the story needs an English editor and we all need an explanation of what a 'Hyves' is, these points did not spoil my enjoyment of the story very much at all.

[Astrid1968]

While the story needs an English editor and we all need an explanation of what a 'Hyves' is, these points did not spoil my enjoyment of the story very much at all.

Is my English really that bad?:ihih:

Hyves is the Dutch equivalent of Facebook.

[hillwalker]

Is my English really that bad.

Absolutely not. You write with a certain precision that isn't always adhered to by native English speakers. But that merely adds to the charm of the piece imo.

[Astrid1968]

Absolutely not. You write with a certain precision that isn't always adhered to by native English speakers. But that merely adds to the charm of the piece imo.

Thanks. That's a nice thing to say. :cool:

[Technophile]

@ Astrid1968: Your English isn't bad, but it is a bit hard for me and, I imagine, for others to follow.

[hillwalker]

a bit hard for me and, I imagine, for others to follow

Short of taking a vote I would question this statement - surely you cannot deny that the writing is perfectly clear and articulate. Ok, the reader has to work through the piece to make total sense of what has gone on because the relationship between the two main characters is not spelt out right from the start.

In my opinion that makes it challenging rather than impenetrable. It's a case, I suppose, of what appeals to the individual reader. Some don't enjoy being challenged so go for less subtle material.

H

[Astrid1968]

@ Astrid1968: Your English isn't bad, but it is a bit hard for me and, I imagine, for others to follow.

I get your point. But that was a bit meant to be. To tell a real story but to leave the reader guessing until the end who the person is I was talking about.

[Astrid1968]

Short of taking a vote I would question this statement - surely you cannot deny that the writing is perfectly clear and articulate. Ok, the reader has to work through the piece to make total sense of what has gone on because the relationship between the two main characters is not spelt out right from the start.

In my opinion that makes it challenging rather than impenetrable. It's a case, I suppose, of what appeals to the individual reader. Some don't enjoy being challenged so go for less subtle material.

H

Indeed. It was my intention to confuse the reader about the identity of the man I was talking about. By the looks of it that worked. :smile5:

[Buh4Bee]

This is fresh and well written. I hardly noticed the grammar issues, since the narration or writer's voice is so intimate. The need to go back and reread, shows that it has a twist and there is sound intelligence behind the creation of the prose.

[Astrid1968]

This is fresh and well written. I hardly noticed the grammar issues, since the narration or writer's voice is so intimate. The need to go back and reread, shows that it has a twist and there is sound intelligence behind the creation of the prose.

Thank you! I was just writing down the "end" of the story but suddenly it was all gone and it might be too much information anyway and takes away the suspense of the story. I wrote it when I was in an emotional state. :blush:

[Hwo Thumb]

This is some really good writing. I enjoyed reading this, and look forward to more work from you.

Honestly, if I hadn't known ahead of time that English was not your first language, I'm not sure I would have figured it out from this. You have good grasp on the language. And like Buh4Bee said, your writing is so good that any mistakes that do exist are not noticeable.

Edit: On a stranger note, what was going on in my head when I wrote, "English was not your first name."

EditEdit: I just noticed that this story is several years old. Sorry for the necropost :P