Biggus
09-08-2010, 08:19 AM
DRESSING UP
They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away
When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside
But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend
They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress
UNFORGETTABLE
He was such a forgetful man
He was like the absent minded professor
Unfortunately he was so forgetful
That he forgot to become a professor
AIMING TO HIGH
I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower
DESPERATELY SEEKING
She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend
But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well
A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP
I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught
MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE
I miss Wake Up to Wogan
I miss the old camuggian
Wogan was the class, but alas
He’s been replaced by the brash
How did Chris Evans get the job?
That I can only surmise
But it’s like the Krankies
Replacing Morecambe and Wise
THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS
I was one of the baby boomers
And we were raised differently
The subsequent generations
Have developed much more selfishly
They are the falsetto generations
Because they always go me me me
DRASTIC SURGERY
People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic
SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE
Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be expensive
Play new swear word Scrabble
It’s a simple game not for the pensive
All words must be in common usage
And should be genuinely offensive
NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS
No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air
SEXING FLIES
Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper
"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response
"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”
"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can;
The other two were on the phone"
THE COMMANDO WIFE
George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"
ALADIN’S WISH
Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear
"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”
“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”
“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"
KNIGHT’S FAVOUR
I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy
FEELING A BIT GINGER
There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity
She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?
But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go
BRIDAL DESIRE
Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought
Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent
It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital
But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace
They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away
When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside
But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend
They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress
UNFORGETTABLE
He was such a forgetful man
He was like the absent minded professor
Unfortunately he was so forgetful
That he forgot to become a professor
AIMING TO HIGH
I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower
DESPERATELY SEEKING
She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend
But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well
A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP
I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught
MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE
I miss Wake Up to Wogan
I miss the old camuggian
Wogan was the class, but alas
He’s been replaced by the brash
How did Chris Evans get the job?
That I can only surmise
But it’s like the Krankies
Replacing Morecambe and Wise
THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS
I was one of the baby boomers
And we were raised differently
The subsequent generations
Have developed much more selfishly
They are the falsetto generations
Because they always go me me me
DRASTIC SURGERY
People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic
SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE
Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be expensive
Play new swear word Scrabble
It’s a simple game not for the pensive
All words must be in common usage
And should be genuinely offensive
NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS
No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air
SEXING FLIES
Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper
"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response
"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”
"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can;
The other two were on the phone"
THE COMMANDO WIFE
George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"
ALADIN’S WISH
Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear
"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”
“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”
“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"
KNIGHT’S FAVOUR
I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy
FEELING A BIT GINGER
There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity
She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?
But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go
BRIDAL DESIRE
Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought
Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent
It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital
But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace