For My Goddess

[markdavid]

My first post in this forum...


My time away from you a torment so bleak,
to make me wish away my week

as a blind man who cannot find his way,
who cannot see in night nor day
i am lost without you.
i long to gaze upon your face, your beauty so intense as to soften the
hardest of hearts , to bring tears to my face when we are apart

how natures fruits betray the torment inside my heart,
though brightly summers sun may shine it does not in this
heart of mine

[tailor STATELY]

A wonderful start.

I have to admit I'm confused with your use of 'thine' - the usage being the opposite of what I would expect. But then I may be overly tired (4 am, alors!).

L8 nature's (possessive case) might be better.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[markdavid]

A wonderful start.

I have to admit I'm confused with your use of 'thine' - the usage being the opposite of what I would expect. But then I may be overly tired (4 am, alors!).

L8 nature's (possessive case) might be better.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

thank you for the nice comment and thank you for pointing out the usage of thine was incorrect, have amended this now

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is a lovely, graceful tribute. I did mind, however, the seeming discord of archaisms like "thine" and"doth".

[hillwalker]

A gentle observation on the torments of separation

- I also tend to feel the use of 'doth' is unnecessary and distracting.
Fitting in classical or archaic words or phrases rarely makes a poem more emotive or heartfelt unless the entire piece is written in a similar style. You do a good enough job already without adding such fancy touches :

how nature's fruits betray the torment inside my heart

is entirely adequate imo.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

I hate a bandwagon but i'm not keen on doth either :)
very enjoyable otherwise.
Welcome :)
JB

[markdavid]

thank you for the responses, have dropped the archaic dialogue from this piece