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dara.cv
09-06-2010, 11:31 PM
So I had to do a autobiographical poem for my English class. I revised tons, but still think something is kind of off. any input would be appreciated since this was my first assignment and very different for me.

Birth

I was born in August.
I was signed as legit, assigned a 9 digit number
and given a title to be called by.
That day I became a citizen of the North Charleston Naval Base,
territory to the United States of America.
Within its borders of the gaping Atlantic ocean,
The steely guard stop and the rusted wire fences
I was homed.

Play age

Throughout the 6 years we traveled,
We visited the bases of
Rhode Island, Virginia Beach, New York,
and New Jersey.
I played on blue gymnastic mats at the YMCA,
Stretches of beaches with buckets full of jellyfish,
Scolding hot metal merry go rounds that smelled of urine,
and alone in unnamed woods climbing tree branches.
Semi trucks always honk to children
in the back seat of a car moving cross country.
And as I waved goodbye to wherever I was coming from,
The road was my home.

Primary School Age

Settlement of Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey.
I picked the fruits from orchards,
sipped the nectar of honeysuckles,
and had snow fights in blizzards.
I became Catholic,
and went to a Catholic school.
I learned my neighbors by name,
but never got really attached for that fact.
I rode on the Gravitron at the
county fair every year.
My father retired
after 14 years of service to his country,
as well as to the 14 of the marriage to his wife.
I was substituted religion and community
in the place of unity and family.
5 years was long enough to settle,
but not enough to stay.
I could’ve, had my mother wanted me.

Preadolescence

The Wild Wild West, Albuquerque, NM.
My father was a shadow of himself,
lost in the loss of my mother.
And so my brother and I became lost,
Him into the depths of internal retreat and me into
external expanse of escape.
I explored this new world without boundaries.
Free from wired fences, guarded places,
neighbor’s watchful eyes, the nun’s piercing ones…..
The military, the civility, my family.
And in my teenage exuberance
I ran and ran and ran…..

Adolescence

The Streets of Arizona
I was the hippie joined in the revelry of Full Moon drum circles
accompanied by fire breathers, belly dancers, musicians, and performers.
I was the gypsy who lived in a remodeled 1969 bluebird,
my own caravan with cedar walls.
I was the vegan pro marijuana political activist,
pasting flyers to brick walls.
I was also
the raver dancing on rotted planks in broken down houses,
condemned, In Tucson.
and the beggar in downtown phoenix, not grateful and not ashamed.
I was the thief of Goodwill and gas stations
And girl who almost died 2 times, toes blue, lips cold,
licking the blood draining from my nose.
I was the clubber who got pregnant at 17.

Adulthood

My daughter changed my life, saved it.
Before her my life was directed
by the will of my parents, God, my peers, my circumstance.
Since that moment when I realized my life was no longer my own,
I Knew I had to create a home.
I had a reason, a motivation,
a tiny life wringing against the warmth of my body,
to start truly living.

Haunted
09-07-2010, 01:34 AM
dara, this is really good, from birth to a life reborn; from being born legit to giving birth to a child with no father (I assume), and how it all feels right and is made right in the end. This is a remarkable story.

in terms of technique, this is an engrossing read as a short story, but for it to be effective as a poem, it has to be tightened a lot so the story doesn't just flow, it screams. Since there are some shocking details, this has all the writings of a great poem.

hillwalker
09-07-2010, 07:50 AM
A very evocative piece of writing - some brilliantly observed detail. But as Haunted says, this is not poetry. It needs trimming down - take out some of the geographical detail perhaps and concentrate on developing those wonderful 'snapshot moments captured in time' that you have shared with us.

If you home in on those and weave the images to form a whole I'm sure you will have a very powerful piece. It doesn't matter if there are gaps in the biographical timetable - it's a case of picking those moments you feel were most important, laying them out and letting the reader fill in their own spaces.

PrinceMyshkin
09-07-2010, 12:28 PM
I have to agree to a large extent with the preceding critiques but, also, with their acknowledgment of how fascinating and brave this is. Congratulations to your little life-saver. May the two of you thrive together.