Your Majesty : My poem is on the Kingdom's Expense

[Amylian]

Hi,
Embrace my new poem. It has just been published and it's fresh...!!!




Your Majesty : My poem is on the Kingdom's Expense"
By
Ali Makki



Red Throne thou art on, sitting,
Anger on thy face, empty words, thou art delivering,
Your Majesty: your people are peaceful,
Months of projections upon them ye stirred,
Red Throne thou art on, slaying
Peace and instigating violence
Upon thy people by forcing women to tears,
By breaking in, beating that innocent child filled with fears,
By employing dissention,
By steering the wheel of pretentiousness.
Red Throne thou art on, resting,
That innocent song of the girl you killed
Still haunts the field, and with lamentations, those hearts thou hast filled,
It’s on the kingdom’s expense,
I guess, to fix my worn out fence.
This poem, too, I think is on the Kingdom’s expense,
That’s why its style is no more greatly dense.



Regards,

Ali Makki aka Amylian

[hillwalker]

When you say 'published' - do you mean actually 'published'? If so, many congraulations.

It seems rather unfair to find fault with this if that's the case

- but I did find the style a bit pompous - 'thou art' in line 2 springs to mind.

- and the rhymes at the end of the last four lines read very awkwardly :

partly because they sem to have ambushed the poem - earlier we only had two rhyming couplets which was fine in lines 6/7 and 11/12 - but 4 in one go?

but also the rhyme seems terribly contrived (that final line is especially weak because of it)


Regards

H

[Skia]

I agree with Hill,
Well done if it's actually Published!

But the Rhyming 4 times in a row... seems a bit... unnecessary..
and also, it seems a bit, artificial...

But other than that, It was a lovely read :)