Bourbon Drinking and Other Things

[breathtest]

.....

[hillwalker]

This is another wonderful sideway look at life - I don't know how you make it so effortless to read yet manage to trip us up two or thre times. The best read on this forum for quite some time, purely because it comes across so well-observed and sounds so genuine.

[breathtest]

Hillwalker - i'm totally flattered by your comment. Thank you very much. I may have achieved exactly what i was trying to then.

[Alexander III]

Bravo ! you do have great talent.

The prose is so clear and concise, it makes reading a breeze, yet at the same time I would criticize for the lack of poeticness, yet the Hemingway style works great here, I can also taste some Kerouac hiding on the edges of sentences.

My main criticism is I though the last para was terrible, It needs to be changed, the rest was GREAT

[breathtest]

Alexander - thanks so much. I hadn't realised there was any of Kerouac in what i write. That's nice to hear. What didn't you like about the last pararaph, because i thought it was a good end to the story. It's a kind of change of pace.

[Alexander III]

For me it was cliche and unfufuling, as in when I read it I thought mehh, I think you need to change it to reflect a more apt ending for the story which was so well written.

[Buh4Bee]

Easy to read and well balanced. Nothing overly amazing though- need to add some symbolism and some foreshadowing to your work. You are quite adept at understanding human nature and women in particular. In this way, you remind me of Steven Hunley. He also crafts his female characters well- at least in my opinion.
I detest the narrator. He just complains and doesn't do anything to change his life. Having an overweight wife is not the issue for him, being married to an alcoholic is the problem. The ending should address this some how. Very good some far, but I'd try to rework it a bit more.

[breathtest]

Thanks Jersea. What i tried to get across was the parallels between his wife and Leanne. Leanne was meant to be what the narrators wife was like when they first met. that's why he's having an affair with her. he wants his wife to be like she was, shown by when he tries to kiss her every morning. but he's struggling to hold onto her so he has an affair with someone so similar to her.
but anyway i'll take your points and use them. i agree that the narrator is not so likable, but i was trying to get across his passivity in the whole thing.

[hillwalker]

For the record, the narrator does not have to be likeable as long as his behaviour is true to life.... and that's what you have done so well in this story, captured a glimpse of life underneath a stone as it were.

Similarly, as an observation of life rather than an analysis, as such there is no real need for symbolism or foreshadowing as you write it as it is...... just my two-pennyworth.

[Maryd.]

This is a very deep read, for one so young. Well done sir. To me it was so perfect, I found myself looking for flaws. Not finding any of course. Well written.

[Buh4Bee]

Hillwalker- I agree. I guess I was hoping for a bit more layer, but it is not necessary as I missed te parallel between the two women. Again, Breathtest, sorry I missed that.

[Steven Hunley]

It 's good if realism is your thing. Fortunately for me I like realism. I missed the parallels between the two women so if that's what you think's important then give it a re-work. Personally, I like it just as it is.

[Maryd.]

I'm with Stephen Hunley... Don't change a thing.

[breathtest]

thank you guys