1945; The land of Ophelia

[Neonflowerpot]

1945

As night appears our days are done,
The light is gone and darkness wins.
The soldiers sleep beside there guns
Their minds assaulted by their sins.

Writhing and thrashing violently
As armed monsters roar vicious cries
And bombs fall towards the city.
Are these soldiers afraid to die?

Mothers, daughters, fathers and sons,
Running for shelter and safety.
Will these children soon be orphans?
The Blitz continues montrously.

We fight until a better day
Where war is just a memory.
Families are crying as they pray
In a crowded cemetary.

The young soldiers slumber in peace.
Flying and weaving through the stars,
Their happiness shall increase,
In a place without any wars.




The Land of Ophelia

I ventured into a land unlike our own
Where magic can be found
And mystical beast haunt the forests.
A beautiful life i seek.

I travelled to the North
Where snow was waist deep
And ice elves live amongst the trees.
But it wasn't the place i wished to be.

I travelled to the East
Where ruins of kingdoms lay across the land
And stone giants stalk the grounds.
I left the terrible place in hast.

I travelled to the South
Accompanied by a motley crew of odd characters.
We arrived in a place of artistic flow,
Though the merriment i left the place behind me.

I travelled to the West
Where rolling hills of desert sand lay disturbed.
Barely escaping barmy pirates
I bolted from that place.

I had left in a hurry
Getting lost in this strange land.
I found a tower veined with roses,
Inside a harmonious voice echoed.

I called up to the owner with an unsteady voice
And she peaked out from her tower,
She was the most hideous thing i've ever seen
And i ran from this land forgetting the place i desired to be.


Personally, i believe that i wrote them to fast and didn't allow myself to express more emotion in the poems. I probably should have made them longer with more emotion, as well as explaining them more clearly. For the second poem i believe a lot of the words could be changed to make it more graceful on the tongue.

Well, opinions?

Please, i welcome criticisme as well as praise but for my poems only. I would appreciate that no one comment rudely on me , as the poet, but instead on the poems themselves.

Thank you.

"Smile,your beautiful"

[hillwalker]

A minor point to begin with - next time choose a larger font size (not everyone has the zoom facility on their pc)!

Of the two poems, I prefer the second one.

In '1945' the awkward attempts to maintain a rhyme detract from the content of the poem.

The Blitz continues montrously.

is rather a flat ending for the verse, for example, diluting the actual destruction that took place.

Also, the Blitz was an assault on civilians rather than soldiers (most of whom were away fighting overseas) so pairing the two doesn't quite work for me - but a worthy effort.

'The Land of Ophelia' is much better, because the language flows more naturally for much of the piece. And there are some vivid images here that bring the poem to life.

A couple of lines, however, don't seem to fit particularly well :

Accompanied by a motley crew of odd characters - and - Barely escaping barmy pirates destroy some of the magical scene you have taken such trouble to create.

As for your post-script (not the best of ideas when posting here - let the poems speak for themselves) I would suggest you trim this second poem rather than attempt to expand it by adding more emotion or explaining things more clearly.

Sometimes it's a case of setting a scene then allowing the reader to discover what you were aiming for.

H