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Delta40
09-03-2010, 09:09 PM
The sun slipped slowly into the sea,washing the waves with poetry.
At least thats how it seemed to me.
To the lovers it melted, and wept and fell,
and cast an everlasting spell.
The mathematician watched it decrease in degrees,
creating new hypothosese.
The drunk wondered briefly if it was rising or falling
But the thought was drowned out by the whisky calling.
The pessimist thought it was high time it went,
and wondered if time watching, was worth the time spent.
The optimist raised his glass to the fall
and cherished the night and the new morning call.
The newborn noticed the light had turned red
and thought without thinking of milk and of bed.
The dying all wondered if this were their last
and if tomorrow, when gone, would be part of their past.
The astronomist knew it was eight minutes old
and that one day this globe would be lonely and cold.
The most, they were busy, looking away
so sure it will repeat itself day after day.

Delta40
09-03-2010, 09:29 PM
Thanks for all the great input. I'm still continuing to work on this. I typically write in a narrative, story telling style and I'm trying to experiment with some new things. I don't know if it will make the poem better or worse, but I think ultimately it will make my writing better to get better with using sound.

I think it's good advice to leave the original poem and see how it progresses. I will do that in the future. I just thought it would be easier not to force new readers to read a few different versions of the same poem. But I think it would be more helpful as a comparison. So here is the latest refined rendition. I was shooting for the quintessence of the thing. Let me know what you think, better or worse, or a mix of both.


I woke up, saw the sun
and put a dollop of cream
in my coffee

Jerrybaldy
09-03-2010, 09:35 PM
I love your perspective here. You have a magic way with words and still retain a rough edge.

Delta40
09-03-2010, 09:37 PM
I'll just put my perspectacles on. Oh yes. Do you like the part about date rape?

Jerrybaldy
09-03-2010, 09:39 PM
That was powerfully written, words with real weight. If respect is possible in cyberspace, I have it for you. It's often especially moving to me when a poet, such as you did here, states his or her case boldly, without adornments or milking the conceit. A moving and graceful poem.

Haunted
09-03-2010, 09:40 PM
An amazingly multi dimensional poem

ok, just copying from someone who copied from me. You can always ignore it if you get tired of seeing the same 5 words repeated across the board

Delta40
09-03-2010, 09:41 PM
what an amazingly multi-dimensional poem writer you must be Haunted

Haunted
09-03-2010, 09:42 PM
again Delta, An amazingly multi dimensional poem

Jerrybaldy
09-03-2010, 09:42 PM
what an amazingly multi-dimensional poem writer you must be Haunted

Haunted
09-03-2010, 09:44 PM
what an amazingly multi-dimensional poem writer you must be Haunted

Delta40
09-03-2010, 09:47 PM
Jerrybaldy told me he loves your perspective here.

Personally, I think you have a magic way with words and still retain a rough edge.