Closure

[hillwalker]

CLOSURE

for weeks
after she died
I gasped for every breath

I sought those simple silences
grief cloaks in shadows,
yet you brought me words

hungry words that needed feeding,
words with vulture beaks
for ever pecking at my shell

if only you would listen
to my silent heart,
I have no plans to hatch

H

[Jerrybaldy]

It made me think of the many times particularly in grief and dare I say it, particularly as a man, that you dont want to spill your words or talk endlessly for closure. It made me think of my dislike, unfounded or not, for councilling and councillors and the modern desire to relive, to talk through. When maybe just maybe, being left alone with your thoughts to give them your own closure, without dragging them out their shell and talking your feelings through with some git peering over his spectacles half listening, half thinking what he's got for tea, with his eye on the clock, could be a good alternative. And it made me think of well meaning relatives who think you want to talk. When maybe you bloody well don't.

Could be way off lol. But it made me think either way.

As I once said, before Lal decided to cut it paste it and stick as a comment to somebody else, if respect is possible in cyberspace (which I have since decided it is) then I have it for you Hill.
(you nobbly kneed old charmer)

[tailor STATELY]

Closure - a made up word to describe how others think one should feel about a loss or tragic event after an arbitrary amount of time in the way of 'getting over it' and 'getting on with one's life'; most especially after one's viscera and/or mind have stopped screaming for a moment. (See also: post traumatic stress syndrome, shock, depression, suicide)

Well done hillwalker.

[Haunted]

Closure is such a euphemism. The silence in your poem screams bloody hell. What painful words of loss, I almost feeling like crying.

[angliholic]

I feel poignant but beautiful in this piece!
VERy charming and intriquing!
I love it that I read it again and again!

[Delta40]

Hill. you write so beautifully and I just want to wrap a home crocheted blanket round you.

[Bar22do]

CLOSURE

for weeks
after she died
I gasped for every breath

I sought those simple silences
grief cloaks in shadows,
yet you brought me words

hungry words that needed feeding,
words with vulture beaks
for ever pecking at my shell

if only you would listen
to my silent heart,
I have no plans to hatch

H

People are afraid of silence, panic when confronted with grief... and your poem reminds how essential it is to be understood, without words.
A moving, beautiful poem, hill, I was lucky to have found it on the page...

This:
"I sought those simple silences
grief cloaks in shadows,"


is so fundamental to the griever...

thanks for this poem, hill.


Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

The poetry of restraint - of powerful, muscular restraint! And I would echo every word of the several posters who responded before me and were obviously deeply affected by this gem of a poem.

[blank|verse]

Excellent, hill. Probably the best thing you've posted. The power of brevity!

On re-reading, the first three lines read more like two in context and the stanza breaks make for some unnecessary (but small) distractions. I'm also not sure what the non-standard puncuation adds to the poem (starting with a lower-case letter; no full stop at the end; lots of commas where full stops would seem more natural).

These are all minor issues in what is a great piece of writing, of course, but 'vulture' stuck out and wonder if a less exotic (and obvious?) bird could be substituted; and I'm not overly keen on 'hungry' words, but can't suggest an alternative! I wasn't too sure about the alliteration of 'simple silences' but think it works ok on re-reading; 'silent' is repeated in line 11 but I don't think that's intrusive.

if only you would listen
to my silent heart,
Because the stress falls on 'only' in line 10, I wonder if it should be moved:

if you would only listen
to my silent heart,

that way, you have the repetition of two two-stress phrases which seems more appropriate to the voice of someone trying forcefully to make a point.

Short, sharp sentences would also fit this voice more naturally than one long sentence, I feel. Someone 'gasping for every breath' can't speak for long. I wonder what you think of the following lineation:

CLOSURE

For weeks after she died
I gasped for every breath.

I sought those simple silences
grief cloaks in shadows.

Yet you brought me words;
hungry words that needed feeding;

words with vulture beaks
forever pecking at my shell.

If you would only listen
to my silent heart.

I have no plans to hatch.

[hillwalker]

@Jerry - you're not a long way off at all (apart from the state of my shapely knees)

@Tailor/Haunted/angli - thank you each of you for your generous comments

@Delta - I am sorely disappointed. I make an impassioned plea to be wrapped by a certain Miss M's legs (one of your compatriots no less) and it looks as if I'm stuck with a blanket instead - but crochetted by your own fair hand so thanks anyway

@Bar/Prince - thank you both for your valued responses

@b|v - 'best thing I've posted'? In that case my quality control needs a reboot because I almost left this one on the scribble-pad as being not worth sharing.....
Thanks particularly for your intelligent analysis, and the alterations/re-lineations you suggest are all pertinent and absolutely correct. Thanks for that.

H

[dafydd manton]

The sort of work that wakens us up to the plight of the elderly, or indeed anyone who has lost a loved one in death. Maybe it's worse when you are younger, I don't know, but it's a very powerful piece of work, Hill, clothed with sadness and with a certain poignant dignity. Thanks.