Stupid Stanza

[Delta40]

I'm inspired by other lit-netters again!

I'm wanting to write my worsest!

Dried out pizza crusts
look just like my eyebrows
I'm thinking perhaps
I should've stayed with you
because when I stay with you
I don't put pizza crusts
on my eyebrows
and think pehaps
I should've stayed with you


Please feel free to add your own worsest stuff...

[dafydd manton]

I think I love you by all means
I also quite love cold baked beans
I bet I don't get any thinner
Eating fourteen tons for dinner

J Keats Esq.

[Delta40]

I love my aunty biotic
boy can she iron
and multi-vitamin
all at the omega-3 inn

[Jerrybaldy]

you make my heart dance
like really bad angina
and if you didnt have a willy
you'd probably have a vagina

[dafydd manton]

I've got a new job as a Tax Official,
Fal de rol de taddle diddle.
I'm paid to sit and look at you
And find out if you're on the fiddle.
My desk is not on the edge of the office,
It's right slap bang in the middle.

[dafydd manton]

Women fall down at my feet
My personal Hypnosis?
No, my best friend's just told Me
That I've got halitosis

[Delta40]

That German dude Heinz
is being a silly bean
as he runs after Daffy
he picks up more wind

[Jerrybaldy]

Oh Mr Duck, this post will have some legs I think :D

I looked deep into your eyes
through star light up above
but it was pissing down that night
so i couldnt see your love
with your swaying mood
You made me feel like dancing
but my athletes foot was playing up
and my boils needed lancing.

[Delta40]

bad breath
last breath
rotten loser
stinking corpse

[dafydd manton]

Men can be such stupid fools,
They never get it right.
"Your teeth are like the stars" he says,
So she takes them out at night.

[hillwalker]

Oh for the wings, for the wings of a dove,
so I might fly in the sky up above,
or for the legs of Elle MacPherson –
with those wrapped around me I’d be a better person.

[Jerrybaldy]

im going to write my love in rhyming couplets
I wanna make love and give you sextuplets
Your hair is a golden glow of orange.
Bugger.

[Delta40]

let me put in my teeth
so I can see you better lad
now pass me a ginger nut
so I can dunk it in my tea

[dafydd manton]

Let me share your share your ginger nuts.
Let me have a nibble.
Then I'll put my teeth back in
And try hard not to dribble

[Delta40]

your timing
in your rhyming
is driving me mad

[dafydd manton]

Its terribly important, Lass
To make your poems scan
And also so they rhyme quite true
But if you can't be bothered, nobody is going to mind very much.

[Jerrybaldy]

tell me now
without the buts
who went and pinched
my ginger nuts

[dafydd manton]

Fairy on thy evergreen
You look unhappy to be seen
It must be nasty, Ergo Sum
To have a fir tree up yer bum.

[Jerrybaldy]

Oh for the wings, for the wings of a dove,
so I might fly in the sky up above,
or for the legs of Elle MacPherson –
with those wrapped around me I’d be a better person.


oh my dove how high you fly
down here I think you have been sly
by taking Elle macphersons legs
Im left down here with just the dregs

[Delta40]

you got missing ginger nuts
and a fir tree up your bum
I don't think elle machpherson
would even suck your thumb

now guys stay clean....

[Jerrybaldy]

* censored by heshelemonade*

[dafydd manton]

I tried to write of my female dog
You know the sort, a *****
It turned her in to asterisks
Now ain't that a bit rich?

[Jerrybaldy]

The judge sat in his little box
picking his nose in fury
he rolled it into little balls
and flicked it at the jury

anon.

[angliholic]

My muse left me a while ago,
so I'm running out of inspiration.
I really don't where to go,
but to scribble without emotion.

[Delta40]

walking
walking
stop walking
sit

[angliholic]

Scribbling
scribbling
stop babbling
thinking

[Delta40]

still using pizza crusts
for eyebrows
I wish you stayed

[Jerrybaldy]

Daffy Daffy wherefore art thou Daffy
second line that rhymes with Daffy
The ladies from the antipodes
are begging for you on their knees

[Delta40]

Daffy has ducked out
don't gun the pilot down

[dafydd manton]

Do not panic, Daffy's back
A poet he, alas alack
He's come to join this might tome
With another absolutely awful poem.
I'll try to take a little time
To get another decent rhyme
For if I don't it be a crime
For which I'd have to wear a lime
Upon my head.

The end

[Delta40]

its ok
I bought a bucket today
to catch
awful verse

[dafydd manton]

Some of this here poetry,
Unlike Wallace and Gromit
Is slightly less than perfect and
It makes you want to be ill.

[dafydd manton]

once upon a time there
were three
bears
and they lived in the wood
the deep dark lonely wild wood
because that is what bears
do
and they ate
goldilocks
because she tasted better
than porridge
even better
than delta's
porridge

it is what bears do
but not in the
microwave

[PrinceMyshkin]

The so-called poems here
are getting worse, not better.
Some of them read like they were written
by a one-eyed collie
and some by an Irish Setter.

[dafydd manton]

It is fascinating that Prince has found
A poem written by a hound.
This is the next one that I shall doodle
Helped by Alf, a tiny poodle.
Then I'll do a little more
Assisted by a labrador.
I'm just glad I haven't got a Schnauzer.

[Jerrybaldy]

I wandered lonely as a cloud
as it was quite a clear day
and there weren't
many clouds about
that day
and that one
that I saw
looked quite
lonely

[dafydd manton]

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
That floats o'er hill and dale.
I'd swear that up in Lincoln once
I saw a Killer Whale.
The Killer is a famous beast
About whom many Twitter.
The one I saw was sat with me
Drinking pints of Bitter.

[hillwalker]

I wandered lonely as a cumulo-nimbus
minding my own business
bit of rain here
bit of rain there
then suddenly I c ou ld f e e l m y s e l f
e v a p o r a t i n g ..............

[dafydd manton]

Quick! After Him!!
This could be really serious
It'd be much worse,
It could be a curse
If he were just alto-cirrus.

[Jerrybaldy]

stratus oh stratus
please dont
rat on us

[dafydd manton]

Oh Oh cloud
Please humour us
For we are flesh
But you are cumulus.

[Delta40]

I wandered as lonely as a cloud
a puff of the world's pollution

[Jerrybaldy]

I love you
I will love you until the day I die
unless you die first
in which case Maureen at number 10
has made it known
she is up for it.

[Delta40]

lol
c u l8er
wot nxt?

[dafydd manton]

You
Started
It!

[Delta40]

I have no faith in atheism

[dafydd manton]

Now there's a conversation stopper!

[Jerrybaldy]

There are so many things I don't want to do
its a wonder that I fit them all in.
But there is so little that I am doing
that I want to do
that it leaves great gaps
to do what I dont want to do.
If i could only enjoy
doing what I dont want to
I could always enjoy doing what I want to do.

[dafydd manton]

If a man does what he wants to
Do
And does not does not does
What he does not, how will he know if he
is doing happily what he was unhappy with
or unhappily doing what he
Hated.
Thus making happily unhappy to be unhappy,
or unhappily unhappy in his happiness,
Which is happiness that he is happy and not unhappy
Except on Mondays,
When everyone is unhappy,
except those who are happy
In their unhappiness?

[Jerrybaldy]

happiness happiness
the greatest gift that I possess
except a beating heart
which in all honesty is a bit more great
when it comes to being alive and well and stuff.

[dafydd manton]

My heart is happy, Because it has auricles and ventricles,
And a dorsal aorta,
Which helps. I also
Have a jugular,
A carotid
And an ingrowing toenail

[Jerrybaldy]

keep that toe nail
and the jugular apart
or you will truely have
a bleeding heart

[dafydd manton]

A man and his jugular cannot fail
To keep off the vampires, and also his nail.

[Delta40]

I made a miss-stake
to keep away himpires

[Jerrybaldy]

If music be the food of love
I think my fish is off.

[dafydd manton]

I ate a really awful fish,
I ate it in Porthmadoc
It make me ill, it made me will
That it was plaice and not just haddock.

[Jerrybaldy]

I ate a really smelly Cod
its fishy stink still lingers
my girlfriend upped and left me
when she smelt my cod fish fingers

[Jerrybaldy]

That which we call a rose.
By any other name would smell as sweet
but not my girlfriend, Rose,
she smells like a steamy pile
of french armpits.

[Delta40]

odor eaters
couldn't be sweeter
for Pete who lost his stumps
He's got athletes feet
and a tad on his seat
he says it keeps away the lumps

[Jerrybaldy]

I have a mate called Delta
who's every poem is a belter
I would think she was a paid up poet
but, strewth wouldn't you know it
she spends her days crashing her head against tax returns and beaurocrats and Jason with the bad B.O who works on the second floor.

[Delta40]

...such is life...

[Skia]

I don't care that your a nerd,
For I see something special,
When you complete my homework for me,
You make it look Proffesional!

[dafydd manton]

Every night, they' d sneak outside,
And clandestinely meet
So that he could do her Math
And no-one would say "Cheat!"

[Delta40]

tooth hurty
tooth hurty
and I'm still awake!

[dafydd manton]

"Prisoner stood at the Bar"
Came voices from the Bench
"We hereby find you guilty,
Of wrecking Skia's French.

You've done her German badly
And the English it much worse
The Literature's shocking
A bit like this 'ere verse.

But of you wish to help a girl,
You must do it a bit faster.
Or no-one else will ever think
You're a genuine Head-Master.

[Jerrybaldy]

my dearest headmaster
your french is a disaster
to put my cards on der tisch
you may just as well try flemish

[Delta40]

are you flemish?
no, he coughed
I've just got a chest infection

[Jerrybaldy]

*dancing* looking for fellow dancers

[Delta40]

well I'm gonna grind mah hips to 'you ain't see nothin yet'....dressed as a clown, mind!

[Jerrybaldy]

*breakdancing* breaks back

[Jerrybaldy]

Hey Clown , nice make up, you look good in the dark, you dancing?

[Jerrybaldy]

B B B B B Baby you aint seen nothing yet

[Delta40]

here's something you never gonna forget baby....

:party:


(wheels in Jukebox from the back shed)

[Jerrybaldy]

strewth didnt expect your party trick so early.. notices empty dance floor , mary has gone to the shops, but Daf and haunted wont let us down Im sure .. and who knows who may pop in for a dance..

[Jerrybaldy]

YMCA it was a stay at the YMCA. Arm ache here,

[Delta40]

Are you the brickie or the cop? don't be the Indian there isn't enough room for your headress....

[Jerrybaldy]

the cowboy. shoots at Delta's feet.

[Jerrybaldy]

hold on. lets stage a sit in until somebody joins us (mutters something about miserable buggers)

[Delta40]

Sure you're the cowboy (rips off the hat to reveal an afro) and you're wearing a crocheted waist coat - omg! you're you're LEO SAYER!!!!!

[Delta40]

its very hard to sit in a clown suit - have a pie in the face and I'll hoot my nose while riding a minibike

[Jerrybaldy]

" when I need you, I just reach out my hands and I touch you" etc, sings sitting down, as Daf ( theres no fun here anymore, oh fun where art thou?) must be about to arrive with the peanuts.

[Jerrybaldy]

*breaks into Gilbert* ' Alone again, naturally'

[Delta40]

there are alot of partygoers on lit-net. what we need is partycomers.

My Sharona

[Jerrybaldy]

dont we just, M M M My sharona

[Delta40]

I think we're supposed to get some munchies from the 24hr servo and dance to this music......I want a snicker, bacon chips and coke

[Jerrybaldy]

ooh my little pretty one, my pretty one, when you gonna give me some my sharona (silly name, never minds) pours a G&T over head

[Delta40]

Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run. (pours petrol over wheelie bin and lights it)

[Delta40]

gotta head bang my way to the clown workshop - mind my frizzy orange hair doesn't get caught on the door knob

[Jerrybaldy]

diet coke I would guess? ketchup on the bacon? whats that? ahh sweet caroline, buckfast wine, good times never felt so good, I dont believe it you're making it up you b itch.

[Jerrybaldy]

leave me here alone why dont you. I was sure people only attended clown workshops in the simpsons and sitcoms....

[Haunted]

someone just called me b itch?

[Jerrybaldy]

(runs into dancehall with lit wheelybin to set the place going..)

[Delta40]

not at all! Aussie P*l*t*c*a*s have to attend - its compulsory...

[Jerrybaldy]

yep. the scottish crowd in the corner, sort them out I got your back

[Jerrybaldy]

You go and do clown training , Im off to get some chips on the way home, let it be known that Delta and Jerry were up for fun and no bugger arrived though :P

[Jerrybaldy]

haunted.... *decides to stay* tries to put out flames

[Jerrybaldy]

Daffy... I hope you have a sick note from home.. :P

[Haunted]

can I borrow your Bud Light, Jer? I think my hair is on fire...

[Jerrybaldy]

*pours over haunted's hair* little use as everything else is on fire too

[Haunted]

are we on the Titanic? the fire may be over soon

[Jerrybaldy]

You are forever on the titanic :D

[Haunted]

now you''re telling me!

[dafydd manton]

No, I'm sorry, I'm on the wagon, the beer wagon making the deliveries, but I suddenly came over all tired and emotional. Felt shleepy, itsh bina lon' day, wanna go bo-bos....

[Jerrybaldy]

death is a beach ball
the pope is a c ock
it is all ok
just dont mention the croc

[dafydd manton]

I don't want to worry you
But all that I can find
To rhyme with Knickers
Is Vicars.

And, as the light flickers
The audience bickers
And all the cherry pickers
Leave in a cloud of snickers.

Amen

[Jerrybaldy]

Do you mean snickers
once better named marathon?
or stinky Kickers?
bugger what the hell rhymes with marathon.

bless you Daffy for the lord gave us the duck and the duck was good with hoisin sauce and let there be crackers. Prawn ones.

[dafydd manton]

And let all the people say "Pass the Chopsticks!"

[Jerrybaldy]

and all was well until one of the elder chopsticks sacrifised a younger chopstick as a gift to Dog. Many years later children worlwide play chopsticks on piano to lament this gift to Dog. Dog was pleased, he created the rest of the universe he had missed out originally as a tribute to this fallen chopstick. But it wasnt sufficient so he created black holes and lo he said ' let their math figure that one out' and if stephen hawking gives it a go I will show my wrath with a nasty disease that will shut him up for good for they will not have invented a way of him talking through technology. And Dog said 'D'oh' .

[Delta40]

...and thy pope sang 'every sperm is sacred eeh by gum, lad'

[Jerrybaldy]

watched ' the meaning of life' again a couple of nights back. Genius. aged a bit but there is nothing like it. Mr Creosote, the sex lessons, the salmon and death. Is a stand alone.

[Delta40]

and the pope did say: pass thy cheese, Cleese

[Jerrybaldy]

' every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great and if a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irrate'
oh my blasphemous hand ;)

[Delta40]

deposit em in a bank!

[Jerrybaldy]

and create more Jerrys ??

[Delta40]

freeze them for when women take over the world

[Jerrybaldy]

tuesday week ?

[Delta40]

I do = oh! I mean yes my minion

[Jerrybaldy]

This thread should be reborn...

I have a poem in my heart
it needs to be let out like a little fart
but before I know just what to do
I realise I have followed through

give it your worstest litnetters. :D

[Delta40]

when the pimples finally pop
the pus runs out and just won't stop
It is true I ooze each time I smile
and potential husbands run a mile

[Jerrybaldy]

Delta we love you to bits
and would not run
from oozing zits

[hillwalker]

Since we are fixated on bodily functions.....

Orgasms are spasms
most ladies delight in
except female wrestlers
who fake ‘em when fightin’.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

when the pimples finally pop
the pus runs out and just won't stop
It is true I ooze each time I smile
and potential husbands run a mile


Your true love will be the one
for whom your every zit
is a pit-stop
on the way
to your unblemished heart

[Delta40]

l lol.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The laws of the land
must grow and expand,
for when a law is a bother
it enacts yet another.

[Delta40]

While it enacts
I pick up an axe
and sever your brother
in place of another!

[munkinhead]

What took Lizzie
all those whacks
to free her chickens
from their backs?