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JackieGinger
09-03-2010, 03:01 AM
Impromptu

Each day Lord Summer comes
June: overwhelming expectation
July: gloriously hot happiness
August: worrisome apprehension

Each day Lord Summer comes
Oh and every day he leaves
and I always plunge into anxiety...
hoping I'm not completely left


What do you think?
tailor STATELY
09-03-2010, 03:12 AM
Is it September left ? Left behind ? A bit enigmatic here - which is fine.

L2 V2 niggles at me a bit. A bit too casual for angst perhaps.

Otherwise I enjoyed your poem.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY
JackieGinger
09-03-2010, 03:40 AM
I agree with you...
But it is a work in progress, and I do hope it will someday stop being a clichee(L2V2)
Thank you for the reply!
PrinceMyshkin
09-03-2010, 09:51 AM
Actually I disagree with Stately re the line he thinks too casual. I find the casualness appropriate, as if it were a complaint you were reluctant to make and try to pass off as if it were just an afterthought, which suggests to me that it goes deeper than that.

In addition to which I appreciate the seeming artlessness of this.
Pendragon
09-03-2010, 09:57 AM
I'm backing Prince on this one. Very nice little poem!
JackieGinger
09-03-2010, 01:13 PM
My deepest appreciation Prince, honestly you see right through me, quote "a complaint you were reluctant to make and try to pass off as if it were just an afterthought".
This poem simply occurred to me (as they usually JUST do), and it simply reflects my state of mind, or rather the bug chewing on my mind...but what am I talking about, Prince, Pendragon thank you both! It is good to have people reading your poem and actually saying something upon the matter!
Jerrybaldy
09-03-2010, 04:56 PM
If I'm honest I was put off by the use of lord. It reminded me a bit of bible readings. But thats just personal to me and otherwise I thought it read well and was enjoyable
JackieGinger
09-04-2010, 05:58 PM
Thanks Jerry! Never would have thought of that association of "lord", though...if I had... :D who knows...
Delta40
09-04-2010, 06:07 PM
apologies JG. I thought i had commented on this poem. it made me think of a hopeful prayer of some kind
JackieGinger
09-04-2010, 06:14 PM
apologies JG. I thought i had commented on this poem. it made me think of a hopeful prayer of some kind

Is it again about the LORD thing? I seriously am considering its replacement :nonod:
Delta40
09-04-2010, 06:20 PM
perhaps but i don't know about replacing it as the term 'Lord' effectively expresses the depth of hope in the poem
JackieGinger
09-05-2010, 03:08 AM
Well, probably!