I Wrote This Note for You

[angliholic]

My dear,

I wrote this note for you

unsent and still kept in a bottle

with a bunch of hyacinths.

You should, by now, have received the words

written in my heart

though you're half a world away,

for we are

in communion soul to soul.

[Song of Mercy]

I love the imagery. I see the most beautiful painting in my mind. AND the last line makes the poem, but, it feels off somehow? Tacit. It may be my understanding of the word. When I think of tacit I think of common though often unspoken knowledge. I think what feels funny is that the topic seems to be a growing thing, a strengthening of love, love that grows...and tacit simply is? Hmmm.

AND, the last line makes the poem.

I like it very much.

[angliholic]

I love the imagery. I see the most beautiful painting in my mind. AND the last line makes the poem, but, it feels off somehow? Tacit. It may be my understanding of the word. When I think of tacit I think of common though often unspoken knowledge. I think what feels funny is that the topic seems to be a growing thing, a strengthening of love, love that grows...and tacit simply is? Hmmm.

AND, the last line makes the poem.

I like it very much.
Thanks, Song of Mercy, for taking time to read and comment on my scribbling.

As I'm not a native speaker of English, I can't pick the most pertinent word more often than not!
Is it better to write "the telepathy" instead of "the tacit understanding?" If yes, I'll change it in no time.

[tailor STATELY]

I love your poem.

If I might offer a few suggestions:

L5 - You should, by now, have received my words

L9 - in communion soul to soul.


From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/communion:
2. communion - sharing thoughts and feelings
(Synonym-) sharing
(Related words-) intercourse, social intercourse - communication between individuals... affinity, accord, agreement, unity, sympathy, harmony, fellowship, communing, closeness, rapport, converse, togetherness, concord

Caveat: The other definitions for 'communion' render a spiritual quality that may or may not fit in with your sensibilities.

[angliholic]

I love your poem.

If I might offer a few suggestions:

L5 - You should, by now, have received my words

L9 - in communion soul to soul.


From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/communion:

Caveat: The other definitions for 'communion' render a spiritual quality that may or may not fit in with your sensibilities.

Thanks, Tailor, for taking the time to read and advise me on this scribbling of mine.

Your advice is most befitting!

[Maryd.]

Oh my, I love this. Thanks for sharing.

[aliengirl]

Sweet and lovely with Angli's unique flavor. The last two lines are the best.

[Bar22do]

To be frank, I find your poem touching and delicate, but to me it would get more power were it less obvious, much tighter, something like, if I may, and I beg your forgiveness for the freedom I take:

You should, by now,
have received the words
written in my heart.
Our souls are
in communion,
my dear.

So, just a try, but throw it to the bin if it is of no use to you, for as always, mine is only a very subjective view.
I love reading your noble, gentle art. Best regards - Bar

[angliholic]

Oh my, I love this. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Maryd, for your nice words.



Sweet and lovely with Angli's unique flavor. The last two lines are the best.

Thanks, AG, for your sweet and lovely feedback.


To be frank, I find your poem touching and delicate, but to me it would get more power were it less obvious, much tighter, something like, if I may, and I beg your forgiveness for the freedom I take:

You should, by now,
have received the words
written in my heart.
Our souls are
in communion,
my dear.

So, just a try, but throw it to the bin if it is of no use to you, for as always, mine is only a very subjective view.
I love reading your noble, gentle art. Best regards - Bar



Thanks, Bar, for the kind words and suggestion.

Your version reads very succinct and tighter!