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Jerrybaldy
08-27-2010, 05:33 PM
On the waltzers, they are spun by the gypsy,
Gold tooth, gold bracelet and tattoos.
A couple in a blurred cocoon,
of neon and queueing faces.
She squirms as his hand holds her thigh.
When later he buys her a candy floss,
she hopes he may choke on the pink.
On the ghost train,
they watch ghosts ride pushbikes,
but she shivers at the kiss on her neck.
Evening arrives
and the fair gets much darker
as it displays its enticing lights.
The big laughing clown face
beckons you to the fun house.
Onions sizzle,
screams come from all directions.
Coins come home to their slots,
children sit terrified,
on guilt horses.
She leads him to the big dipper.
She savours the thought.
He thinks he is big
and he loves to dip.
They check for heart conditions
back problems
and pregnancy
as they passed the sign.
The Carnie man takes their money
and tells them to hold on tight.
The truck clicks for ever
up the hill into the night sky.
The first drop is the steepest,
the camera flashes to capture the screams,
and contorted faces.
Tonight it caught her,
pushing him out,
to the girders below.
The screams sounded
exactly the same.
Leaving the ride,
amidst hysteria,
walking past quarter pounders with cheese,
she rubs her belly,
where the life used to be.

dafydd manton
08-27-2010, 05:51 PM
Never mind the message, which is dark in the extreme, this paints a great picture of the the old funfairs, as I remember them. Lovely, descriptive writing, as ever.

respect!

tailor STATELY
08-27-2010, 05:56 PM
Well written.

The atmosphere you created is most palpable and in stark contrast to 'the deeds' done.

So, so dually (triply) tragic at the end. Macabre, yes, macabre and tragic. Terrible, so terrible. Mine eyes - they weep.

Delta40
08-27-2010, 06:12 PM
This poem is amongst my favourites.

hillwalker
08-27-2010, 07:07 PM
Mhmm - a bit more to this than meets the eye.

Definitely a sinister undercurrent

- and just a thought on the structure; I think the piece reads much more effectively once we get beyond the opening 5 lines where you seem to have atempted to fit the narrative into a particular metrical pattern (which works, a little awkwardly, but well enough for lines 1 to 4 before stumbling through a rather awkward enjambment into line 5).

H

Hawkman
08-27-2010, 07:15 PM
There is a great dark story here but it reads a little unevenly. maybe an adjustment to the line breaks would help. But then I have a preference for more controlled rhythm, but that's just my personal taste. No disputing the power of the narrative though.

Best, H

Jerrybaldy
08-27-2010, 07:44 PM
Thanks daffy, as a target at a fair you took it well.
tailor thanks for you compliments, a palpable atmosphere was my aim. thank you.
Delta. happy to be among your favourites :)

I love all I write for a good five minutes :)
Hill and hawk, you are right, it doesnt flow. The narative is maybe more of a short story, but I'm not switching to that slow format again.
It's probably friday wine.
I like the fair as a subject. Could write so much more. Maybe Tuesday fortnight.
thanks all.

(next day)
Thanks for your suggestion Hill, I have now cut the first 5 lines to 4 and you were of course quite right :)

Haunted
08-28-2010, 08:15 PM
What a thrill ride! The rollercoaster ride parallels the rollercoaster relationship with its murderous end. You carved out a nice little niche for yourself in this novelist style poetry, keep it coming Jerry!