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MGK
08-26-2010, 05:19 AM
sitting stoned, upon the morrow;
these words; they taste of joyous sorrow,
these streams we follow wash all secrets hollow
so each tainted Apollo may take what him due;
such merciful few
can rend what is burning then light it anew.

sitting svelte along the stars
our future spans from here to mars
a highway along ten-thousand bars of cadence immoral,
confusion temporal
the time slips away,
what more can one say
about the parts where they fight
and the parts where they play.

fickle, fickle smolders the dread
in the turf of the mind, the core of the head;
no relief is wanted, no respite; instead
one charts maps of the places where fear one has led,
and even when rapacioust desire's been fed
still these mountains they tremble, these rivers run red.



so throw away whats yours to keep
to people who walk and seldom sleep;
throw it away, sink it down deep! there's no cause
for concern or retreat, such marvellous feat
this venturesome leap from window to street
for the sake of belief,
there is no reprieve
from the riddles and weaves, the pranksters and thieves,
they wilt like the leaves
of a book dropped in water, stop!
go no further, cabals
enticing with airwords of murder,
secrets abound on the science of fervor.

http://steel6.deviantart.com/#/d2wo9py

inspired by a weekend of debauchery. try reading it aloud!

MGK
08-31-2010, 03:38 AM
i'll go ahead and bump this :)

Delta40
08-31-2010, 03:49 AM
good poem. I'm a little lost about its meaning other than the 'don't worry, be happy' theme. I like the rhythm also.

MGK
08-31-2010, 03:52 AM
don't worry, be happy? interesting reaction (: thanks for your comment

Delta40
08-31-2010, 03:54 AM
sorry. got sucked in by the first line!

MGK
08-31-2010, 03:59 AM
but doesn't especially the first line herald something unquieting? gathered people under the influence, at a time when today and tomorrow are interchangeable words?

Delta40
08-31-2010, 04:09 AM
I found your poem to be creative and I read it in the context of a stoned experience, where words can be thrown together and deeper meanings on life the universe and everything can be revealed in a go with flow theme. I was very laid back in that frame of mind and I guess I am only reading it in the way that I know my own experience. I am sorry if I have missed something vital. I really enjoyed your poem though!

hillwalker
08-31-2010, 06:04 AM
There is something in this that gives one pause for thought, but overall the rhyme intrudes far too much to allow the reader to focus on the content. The first verse in particular is almost like an exercise in finding as many words as possible that rhyme with each other - forget about writing something that actually makes any sense.

My advice would be - sort out what you are trying to express first, and if it lends itself to rhyme all well and good; but if not, don't force it..... stick to free verse.

PrinceMyshkin
08-31-2010, 07:54 AM
Yes, I too was distracted by your obvious intention to find rhymes for as much as possible, and the line



one charts maps of the places where fear one has led,

twisted the normal English syntax too much it could rather have been



one charts maps of the places where fear has led
one and then continue with the next line as you have it.