weird poem, please criticize

[SleepyWitch]

I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.
“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable,
but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.
Memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.
When your coldness now resurfaces in me and
I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile to myself just for the sake of smiling
and I know you are there, at the core of my being:
Waiting for the past.

[dafydd manton]

That's no weird at all. Far from it. I'd hate to get analytical, even if I were qualified, but I really liked it. Some of the imagery is outstanding, especially "deliberate unsynchronized detachment". Great piece of work. *Calls for encore*

[SleepyWitch]

Thanks daffyd. Feel free to get analytical :) It's always interesting to see what people get out of or read into my poems :)

[Hawkman]

I rather like it too. I think it's very clever but I would pay a litle attention to the line breaks, I don't think it would hurt to split the very long lines in the middle, but that's just my opinion. I take it the name was Michael :D

best, H

[SleepyWitch]

Thanks Hawkman. Yep, I'm not happy with the line breaks, either. Where exactly would you split them?

[MGK]

i dont know why, but this poem has for me a strong connotation of disillusionment, disconnection with reality, melancholy and desire. "invigorating sting of snow in my bones"; only pain and discomfort still register on such an abused set of scales? the image of googling a person, sitting alone in the dark in front of the screen is very touching, smacks of weariness and conversely interest; a fascinating conflicting mesh of meaning!

just the last line doesnt appeal to me very much, a turn of phrase quite worn out, sounds somewhat cliched. what does it mean?

[SleepyWitch]

thanks MGK :)
I don't like the last line too much either. I've never been good at endings. All my last lines sound lame :) But if it's cliched, you shouldn't be asking what it means, because it should be obvious. :confused:

[MGK]

thanks MGK :)
I don't like the last line too much either. I've never been good at endings. All my last lines sound lame :) But if it's cliched, you shouldn't be asking what it means, because it should be obvious. :confused:

good point, i meant cliched as in typical or often read, often used; what importance does the line have for the poem?

[Hawkman]

Hi Sleepy,

This is how I'd revise it:

"I googled your name and found:
a lawyer, a musician,
an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.
“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable,
but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.
Memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.
When your coldness now resurfaces in me
and I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile to myself,
just for the sake of smiling
and I know you are there,
at the core of my being: waiting."

I don't think you need, "...for the past." at the end. I think it is stronger to just end with waiting.

Best, H

[SleepyWitch]

good point, i meant cliched as in typical or often read, often used; what importance does the line have for the poem?
Ok, I see what you mean. In what way is it typical and often used? Have you seen it in other poems?
I suppose it means that they are not in touch at the moment and can't get back in touch and they're both waiting to see each other again, except they know it wouldn't be the same and there's no point in it.

[MGK]

Ok, I see what you mean. In what way is it typical and often used? Have you seen it in other poems?
I suppose it means that they are not in touch at the moment and can't get back in touch and they're both waiting to see each other again, except they know it wouldn't be the same and there's no point in it.

i am convinced! just to clear the point, "waiting for the past" just has a very worn-out ring to me, i can't name a specific example, i just have the feeling i've read this often before.

but as such, it's great!

[SleepyWitch]

Hi Sleepy,

This is how I'd revise it:

"I googled your name and found:
a lawyer, a musician,
an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.
“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable,
but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.
Memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.
When your coldness now resurfaces in me
and I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile to myself,
just for the sake of smiling
and I know you are there,
at the core of my being: waiting."

I don't think you need, "...for the past." at the end. I think it is stronger to just end with waiting.

Best, H

Thanks :) Yep, I like that version a lot better. Although the ending does sound a bit abrupt this way. On the other hand, if I include 'for the past' it sounds as if it should go on and then I'd never find an appropriate ending :)


*Calls for encore*
I'll take that literally and a selection of my older poems here. Those who already know them, please bear with me. I'll only post those about the same guy as in this poem.



-no title-


roses are not red enough
nor lemons green
to phrase the wall of glass you built
between your heart and mine.
Nor can all the penguins in paradise
sing the soft shutting of the freezer door
made by your gap-toothed smile.
When I'm the emperor's dachshund
I'll pass a Lautgesetz, a Grimm's Law,
to wrap you up in hornet's furs
and shout with mournful joy:
"There's beauty in rejection!"



-no title-

he's made of milk and logic
and wiry gold, but not the blondish-yellow sort,
more like mineral salts, that's dyes for you,
and mostly greying
and blank unfeeling dragon-eyes
that slowly blink to say he is surprised
when he is not
but sometimes he can't find his room,
his feet go trip-trip-hop as he dances, skips,
stubborn, systematically, from one door to the next
and blushes when I tap his name on the door,
asking "Is that you?"



-no title-

I woke up with September mist
trapped under my sleeves
and the coffee said I should have
dreamt of you
going on a train
tiny golden specks afloat
eyes... sun... hair
"I like it when you nick my pencils"
------------ get on
get off--------------
you leave when I arrive
and the heating goes
tsk tk tk bfoorf bllrrrrr



-no title-

he’s got himself a new set of eyes
maybe somewhat tentatively green
perhaps even for looking at people – straight -
except their upper halves still cling to
scarred reptile glass, broken sideways for defence
and a friend says he’s definitely not cute
but what’s the point and I hope it’s not,
I mean, I didn’t want to
I always wondered who…. and now I want
something different, rainbow-coloured,
like bubbly, pink blue and green, bauble-shiny
video-arcade butterflies
or
a dose of machine-gun bullets in my guts
to make me feel as long
can’t bleed
can’t love
as long as it don’t hurt
to make me feel
to make me miss
and life’s too long considering it’s so short,
“Who said you have to complicate it?”,
his smile’s gone with the statue-eyes
and I’m left to dream of barchan dunes
and trees of Milton Keynes – too many, 20 million –
and life’s too slim considering it’s so broad
when in the end
the fight was only with yourself.



-no title-

history flows slower around you,
measured glint when you cross the road.
I could have done my ritual of traipse and peek,
you could have done your ritual of smile and shoulder,
lips that could be sensual,
if there was malice
in the space between the sky outside your window
and the doorframe borderline,
I wouldn't have noticed the wars and the floods,
or the line-up of fathers gone by.
Life could have brushed through me, uninvolvedly content,
on its way from here to the night.



Life after the Moon

They interviewed Buzz Aldrin in the paper.
He said some lives have a before and after:
life after that novel, life after love,
or life after the moon.
What he forgot was life after a should-be-friendship,
a story that ended before it began.
After a "Keep me posted" and "See you soon",
one day outside your office and back to
"Best wishes" the next.
Life after you blandly said you were my lover
and taught me not to look back.
Long after dreams of trains should have warned me
that life after you would be fun:
new people, wine and Spanish vocab.
Now I realize that I cannot re-create in me
your stoical beauty, your other-sphere smile or
the way you frown when you cross the road.
And when I listen for that place where I could feel you
I know that life after is longer than before.



Archetype

the other day in another city
a guy passed me, blondish and tall,
radiating vague recognition,
protective and detachedly amused;
by his pants I knew he was American
although you are not.
I remembered your instant chilly devotion,
your distanced patience and I thought:
now that angels have had a go at my soul,
it’s time for a different kind of power;
but maybe he’s just some archetype
and you are him but I
am not me

[Song of Mercy]

I like it. I have now read it several times and though I am not entirely sure I get it (now that I read the thread,) I get what it says to me...:)

Very nice read.

[SleepyWitch]

Thanks Mercy :) What do you think, should it end in just "waiting" or "waiting for the past" ?

[PrinceMyshkin]

No more "weird" than the fact of being alive, having consciousness. The line "the invigorating sting of snow in my bones" was excellent even beyond the over-all quality of this poem. (And welcome back!)

[SleepyWitch]

Hi PM, thanks :)
what do you think of the last 2 lines? I've always had trouble with last lines and Hawkman has suggested to get rid "waiting for the past" in favour of just "waiting". What do you reckon?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi PM, thanks :)
what do you think of the last 2 lines? I've always had trouble with last lines and Hawkman has suggested to get rid "waiting for the past" in favour of just "waiting". What do you reckon?

Hawkman's suggestion is a plausible one but I rather like it as it is. "Waiting for the past" is reminiscent of the tangle, the disorder, of finding someone via a Google search who has one sort of reality there and another that you once knew.

[SleepyWitch]

Hawkman's suggestion is a plausible one but I rather like it as it is. "Waiting for the past" is reminiscent of the tangle, the disorder, of finding someone via a Google search who has one sort of reality there and another that you once knew.

yep, and I also kinda like it because "waiting" on it's own implies they will meet again, whereas "waiting for the past" gets across the impossibility of recreating what they've lost. so I guess I'll leave it unless it sounds cliched.

[Hawkman]

Hi,

I see where you're coming from with this, but personally I don't feel that "waiting for the past" is particularly good. Waiting, on its own, is stronger. It implies a brooding presence, with no specific objective. I don't feel that it indicates any expectation of a revival of the relationship as Prince suggested. But I fully accept that interpretation is entirely subjective and it is your poem, after all. :) If it says what you want it to say, then by all means leave it as is.

I like it anyway. Best, H

[blank|verse]

This is excellent, Sleepywitch, brilliantly written.

Just concentrating on the first poem - I thought it was very contemporary, without being contrived, and the use of telling details, like the picture in 'high resolution', and the brilliant metaphor of the 'sting of snow in my bones' are exceptional. The use of the objective correlative was very bold and metaphysical. It reminded me of one of my favourite recent poets, Michael Donaghy (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoet.do?poetId=145).


and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.
I thought these lines were a bit chatty, and squeamish maybe, but that don't think they should be changed, if you're happy with them.

I didn't have a problem with your lineation, and don't think that should be changed at the start of the poem. The only real issue for me (like others) was the ending, which lapses into sentimentality. I would cut out the last few lines and perhaps re-shape the poem, something like this (which is only a suggestion, of course):


I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.

“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable, but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.

Your coldness now resurfaces in me
as I startle people with your studied blink,
the memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.
I don't see why, with a bit of tinkering, this couldn't be sent off to a magazine for consideration for publication.

All you need is a title and a bit of confidence. b|v

[Song of Mercy]

Thanks Mercy :) What do you think, should it end in just "waiting" or "waiting for the past" ?

I think waiting for the past grounds the poem in a good way. It is maybe obvious to those who read often, but what about a larger audience...for many I think it reveals the poem in a nice way.

[SleepyWitch]

I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.

“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable, but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.

Your coldness now resurfaces in me
as I startle people with your studied blink,
the memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.
I don't see why, with a bit of tinkering, this couldn't be sent off to a magazine for consideration for publication.

All you need is a title and a bit of confidence. b|v

Thanks b|v. I kinda like your version. But Song of Mercy has a point about the ending. Will think about it.

edit to add:
How's about if I just cut out "at the core of my being" for a start. that strikes me as more sentimental and cliched than "waiting for the past" and I'd be happy to get rid of it.

I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.

“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable,
but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.
Memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.

When your coldness now resurfaces in me and
I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile to myself just for the sake of smiling
and I know you are there:
Waiting for the past.

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the reply, Sleepy and ok - it's your poem after all.

I just think that to end it too comfortably is a bit out of step with the poem's content, which seems to be about the loss of a lover or friend. An ending which has tension and isn't resolved nicely would reflect these feelings, I would suggest. Personally, I don't find 'waiting for the past' a very satisfactory ending, just because I'm not really sure what it means. But it's up to you, of course.

And with respect to Song of Mercy, I would also suggest that writing for a 'larger audience' (whoever they are) often comes at the expense of artistic integrity, so it depends which you value more.

[SleepyWitch]

Thanks for the reply, Sleepy and ok - it's your poem after all.

I just think that to end it too comfortably is a bit out of step with the poem's content, which seems to be about the loss of a lover or friend. An ending which has tension and isn't resolved nicely would reflect these feelings, I would suggest. Personally, I don't find 'waiting for the past' a very satisfactory ending, just because I'm not really sure what it means. But it's up to you, of course.

And with respect to Song of Mercy, I would also suggest that writing for a 'larger audience' (whoever they are) often comes at the expense of artistic integrity, so it depends which you value more.

I'll keep thinking about it and see if I can rearrange the lines in a different way than you suggested. it's not so much getting rid of the ending that bothers me, but how you shifted the lines around and changed the grammar. To me, the last stanza now sounds as if it was happening while the poem is written, whereas I meant it as a recurring but not permanent event.

edit to add: How about this:



I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.

“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable,
but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.

When your coldness now resurfaces in me
as I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile - just for the sake of smiling -
at the memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'll keep thinking about it and see if I can rearrange the lines in a different way than you suggested. it's not so much getting rid of the ending that bothers me, but how you shifted the lines around and changed the grammar. To me, the last stanza now sounds as if it was happening while the poem is written, whereas I meant it as a recurring but not permanent event.

edit to add: How about this:



I googled your name and found: a lawyer,
a musician, an emigrant in Argentina
and five convicted American felons.
And then your picture in high resolution.

“What did the angel look like when he defeated Satan?”
Quite unremarkable, but made of iridescent metal layers,
a vulnerable composure and that thing underneath
that I don’t want to know.

When your coldness now resurfaces in me
as I startle people with your studied blink,
I smile - just for the sake of smiling -
at the memories of deliberate unsynchronized detachment
and the invigorating sting of snow in my bones.


Well, I don't regret the loss of the waiting reference and do think that the current last line is an effective way to end this, leaving it to us whether that "sting of snow" was "invigorating" in a good or an unpleasant way.

[SleepyWitch]

Well, I don't regret the loss of the waiting reference and do think that the current last line is an effective way to end this, leaving it to us whether that "sting of snow" was "invigorating" in a good or an unpleasant way.

yipee :) I'm rather pleased with it, too, seeing as I normally procrastinate when it comes to editing poems. Let's see what b|v thinks about it.

[Song of Mercy]

Song of Mercy[/B], I would also suggest that writing for a 'larger audience' (whoever they are) often comes at the expense of artistic integrity, so it depends which you value more.


Ok, I see that, but for some, art is a scary word that makes them feel inept.

So, by way of example, I wrote some poetry regarding my mother once. And one of the poems, though not necessarily high art, touched a man so deeply that he took the time to email me and share that after 20 years he had purchased plane fare to go see his mother. He shared with me that he saw himself in the piece and was moved to mend the fence with him mom, before it was to late.

Having said that, I suspect this is two different schools of thought, and agree that each person has to make that decision for themselves.

[Song of Mercy]

I really like the second rendering of the poem. Truth...I couldn't grasp the first, this one, I feel I can comprehend. I think more reading a meditating on it will continue to reveal it...I love that!

Also, this new ending does allow for artistic creative space between the poem and the reader.

Nice.

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's definitely an improvement. I'm glad you think the ending is stronger now. It works because you're ending strongly, leaving the reader with a vivid image. The narrative is complete, if not as traditionally concluded as the previous version, but because you avoid that and find another way to end for me is better written as it successfully avoids the obvious and uses the form of the poem to reinforce its content.

Personally, I still don't like the 'smiling' line, but it's your poem!

And yes, you're quite right to question the syntax of the final stanza in the version I posted; I did realise, and hoped the line about how the poem needed 'tinkering' would cover my laziness!

To me, the last stanza now sounds as if it was happening while the poem is written
I was following the poem's shift in tense from the past tense of the first stanza, to the present of the third - something I consider a strength of the poem.

Hope that helps. Good stuff.