The Muse of Verse

[Mortdefides]

Here's a poem written in (unfinished) trochees (as far as I could do it) and iambic pentameter in a few places. I broke it down afterwards (in order not to spoil the pleasure of reading) just to check again whether I choose the stress correctly. Hillwalker, what do you think?

The moon her thighs and arms kisses between
Blue heavens and lonely earth.
The moon and stars embrace with love unseen…
Praise the Night, the Day – woe worth!

Lo! Tis her, the love of moon and gloom!
See thou not her garment bright how shines?
See thou not how fragrant lips of doom
Whisper in darkness the sweetest rhymes?
Lo! Tis her, the muse of verse, alas!
Me, poor me! The muse, she seeks my mind!
Paint shall I in castles of coloured glass
Visions, dreams and fears I’ve left behind.
Lo! She comes! Be quick! Her wings of joy
Flutter briskly, wild but afterwards
Leave you silent like a broken toy,
Lone with thoughts of love, of lust and birds.

The gloom her thighs and arms kisses behind
Blue galaxies and planets cold.
They call me mad; all say I’ve lost my mind.
But twas only her heart of gold…


___________
and the broken down version with the stressed and unstressed syllables. Stressed are marked /, unstressed -, as it is normally (as I've been told =) )

-/-/-/-/-/ [had to make between an iamb, to keep the pattern]
The moon her thighs and arms kisses between
//--/-/ [horrible, only the two iambs at the end make sense]
Blue heavens and lonely earth.
-/-/-/-/-/
The moon and stars embrace with love unseen…
/-/-/-/ [better, but nothing to do with the one above]
Praise the Night, the Day – woe worth!

/-/-/-/-/
Lo! Tis her, the love of moon and gloom!
/-/-/-/-/
See thou not her garment bright how shines?
/-/-/-/-/
See thou not how fragrant lips of doom
/--/--/-/
Whisper in darkness the sweetest rhymes?
/-/-/-/-/
Lo! Tis her, the muse of verse, alas!
/-/-/-/-/
Me, poor me! The muse, she seeks my mind!
/-/-/-/-/
Paint shall I in castles of coloured glass
/-/-/-/-/
Visions, dreams and fears I’ve left behind.
/-/-/-/-/
Lo! She comes! Be quick! Her wings of joy
/-/-/-/-/
Flutter briskly, wild but afterwards
/-/-/-/-/
Leave you silent like a broken toy,
/-/-/-/-/
Lone with thoughts of love, of lust and birds.

-/-/-/-/-/
The gloom her thighs and arms kisses behind
//---/-/ [dreadful, then two iambs]
Blue galaxies and planets cold.
-/-/-/-/-/
They call me mad; all say I’ve lost my mind.
///--/-/ [the same]
But twas only her heart of gold…

D.A.D.

[Delta40]

Lo! She comes! Be quick! Her wings of joy
Flutter briskly, wild but afterwards
Leave you silent like a broken toy,
Lone with thoughts of love, of lust and birds.

what lovely poetry. I am sometimes glad I know nothing of iambic metres etc so that i can enjoy for the sake of enjoying

[Mortdefides]

I feel the same. I'd gladly forget all about, if it was not necessary for my writing and if I wasn't going to study it all in college. I'm merely preparing myself, hoping to get a head start :) Rest assured, I'll write more and share it =)

[hillwalker]

The Muse of Verse

As far as the metre is concerned first of all, there are a couple of points :


-/-/-/-/-/ [had to make between an iamb, to keep the pattern]
The moon her thighs and arms kisses between

[‘kisses’ would be read as /- not -/]



/-/-/-/-/
Paint shall I in castles of coloured glass

[forcing ‘coloured’ to be a monosyllabic word doesn’t really work here, nor does having the stress on ‘of’]

what you actually have is

/ - / - / - - / - /
Paint shall I in castles of coloured glass



-/-/-/-/-/
The gloom her thighs and arms kisses behind

[again ‘kisses’ would read as /- not -/] - and the line doesn't really make much sense.

Delta is right when she says there are some beautiful lines here, but it seems at times you are allowing the tail to wag the dog. Why are you so fixated on maintaining consistent iambs or trochees throughout the poem??
Your first priority should be trying to express your thoughts or create images in simple language.

For example, the line


See thou not her garment bright how shines?

is perfect trochee, but ‘bright how shines’ makes no sense whatsoever because of the word order

and


Praise the Night, the Day – woe worth!

is again metrically acceptable, but what does ‘woe worth’ mean?

If you are indeed intending to study poetic construction (metric forms rather than literary content) I would suggest sticking to studying how classic poets use it first rather than trying to come up with your own versions. Writing poetry in strict metre is extremely difficult even for those for whom English is their first language, particularly if you are trying to imitate the classical style.

If you are writing poetry for pleasure, and to share your thoughts with other readers, give metre and rhyme a rest for a while and experiment with developing your skills of expression and use of language first. There are many excellent poets on this forum who write in English as a second language, and those who do it best keep it simple and avoid flowery or archaic styles.

Good luck

H

[Mortdefides]

Thanks a million again. I'll give it a detailed check in a few hours.

So what you say is that strict metre is not necessary, as long as the poem sounds normal. A poet, who's a friend of mine, once told me that rhyme and metre mar our thoughts and bend them to a point where your first idea is lost. He was probably right.

I'm actually hoping to study Literature in The University of Sofia (the capital of Bulgaria) or even abroad. In fact Scotland is not a bad choice if I have enough money. Maybe even England or other countries like Germany and Denmark and Austria - they also provide wonderful education and perfect opportunities. Important thing is - I'll continue writing poetry (and prose) and hopefully someday my dreams will come to life.

Thanks again,
M

[hillwalker]

So what you say is that strict metre is not necessary, as long as the poem sounds normal

In simple terms, yes.

Anyone can write a 'poem' in strict metre and rhyme just by choosing a selection of words to fit the correct pattern - even a shopping list.

Butter cheese
Japanese
soya beans
denim jeans

Just because this is metrically sound and rhymes does not make it better 'poetry' than free verse or blank verse.

Writing down your own observations about life for example, using expressions that will remain in the reader's memory or give him/her pause for thought is what you should be aiming for.

Given time, your ability to introduce metrical forms or employ rhyme will develop.

Good luck with your studies,

H

[Mortdefides]

Thanks, I'll continue asking questions, that's for sure, but I hope there'll always be somebody like you to be as helpful, as you are. No-one was born taught, I merely need time.

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's a good effort, particularly if English is not your first language, but there is room for improvement, as hillwalker kindly points out.

It's probably better for you to try and find a book that will teach you how to write poetry; there are plenty out there. And I would certainly advise you to get to grips with form and metre if you want to write poetry to any level. This way you should get a feel for how hard it is to make it work, and when to use it and follow the rules and when not to.

The thing with metre is that it's there more as a guide than a rule. You DO NOT - if fact I would say DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT - try to make every two syllables iambic if you're writing blank verse. Read Shakespeare, or Milton, or Wordsworth, or Tennyson... I guarantee you will find it difficult to find two consecutive lines of clean iambic pentameter. This is done for a reason, not because they are bad poets.

It's like drumming or music generally - if you're playing in 4/4 time, the audience will feel this, without you having to stick to the same patterns every single bar. In fact, the variation is what makes it interesting. But you're still playing 4/4. Learning how to do that well is where the skill of the musician or poet comes in.

For the moment though, try and concentrate on whether what you are saying sounds natural and unforced. If anything seems wrong to you, it will seem twice as wrong to the reader.

I would also advise you to drop the archaic language - all the 'Lo! Tis thou!' or whatever - on my calendar it says 2010 so you need a pretty good reason to sound like someone from any other era.

Keep writing, though - it sounds like you've got the passion to want to write poetry and it's rewarding when things work out.

[hillwalker]

I could not agree more with what b|v says.....

If you are looking for a reader-friendly guide to the 'rules' of poetic form I can recommend 'The Ode Less Travelled' paperback by Stephen Fry - witty, concise but also very informative.

H

[Mortdefides]

@b|v Thank you all for the advises, I'll make sure to make the best of them. About the archaic language - I adore it! And all the things I write include that old aftertaste. You know, the way one feels in a old library full of dusty books with yellow pages, written with feather. That's the sensation I love, that's what I aim for. I incorporate lots of poems in my prose works (which are mostly novels). The topic, as you might guess on your own, is also connected to the ancient times, the Middle ages, Romanticism etc. So all these words have their goal, I don't just toss them around, coz it sounds nice. By the way, I'm also... partly.... a musician so I can understand what you mean and it makes perfect sense. I guess I need a lot more experience, the learn-from-your-mistakes method is what I always rely on.

@Hillwalker I'm in possession of "Poetry 1900-1975" from Longman, George McBeth is the editor and it's a brilliant book. I'll try to find the book you're talking about, it'd be wonderful to read it too. Do you reckon I could buy it from Amazon? Do they offer delivery in Bulgaria? I'm not fully familiar with internet book stores.

All the best
M

[hillwalker]

This is the link for it on Amazon UK

I should imagine they deliver to all of Europe, but if ot when you try to order it they will probably redirect you to perhaps a related site in Germany or somewhere closer to Bulgaria???

http://www.amazon.com/Ode-Less-Travelled-Unlocking-Within/dp/1592402488