The God above me

[Mortdefides]

It's just a experiment and quite an unsuccessful one in my opinion, but I'd like to ask a few questions, concerning the poem:

The God above me, does he even know
How wild the heart beats between flesh and soul?
Has he, The Lord Divine, our world observ’d?
Has he, The Knowing and Wise, himself ever nerv’d
Amongst his issues on earth to stride
Without his ever-lasting pride.

Does he cry at night or fear death?
Does he dream and mourn in his bed?
Does he love and breathe the still air?
Does he kiss the sun and its glare?

The answer is but clear
He’s nothing like me
And why am I to fear
I’ll just let him be.

So... sorry, if I wasted you time, but I seem to find no satisfying information about my problem, so I thought I'll just ask you, guys. I tried to write this poem in some sort of metre and tried to add some rhythm to it. Do you thing I coped? Why? Why not? You see, English is not my mother language and all my endeavours in the moment are concentrated on improvement and perfection (if ever possible). In Bulgarian, my mother language, the poetry is totally different. We write in long and short syllables, not stressed and unstressed ones. Have I managed to do anything at all? That's just what I want to know and if someone is as kind as to give me a few tips about metre and poetry in general, I'd be very grateful.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Except for your misspelling of "Devine" (which should be 'Divine') I found this to be an excellent poem, sincere, meaningful questions presented in faultless rhythm and rhyme. Carry on!

[Mortdefides]

Blimey, must've written it too fast :) I haven't even noticed. Faultless rhythm and rhyme? Really?

[dafydd manton]

Belting piece of work. The old inner struggle, but beautifully put. The answers are out there - but until you find them, keep writing! Look forward to the next one.

[Delta40]

wow, I think you asked some soul searching questions and if the rhythm is a little bumpy it complements the many questions you ponder.

[Mortdefides]

The rest of it:

Let them pray, let them fast.
Let them guess which day’s last.
Let them question and trust,
Let them die if they must.

God is in me, in the heart of mine,
Not in the Heavens, or books divine.
God is in me, thou just wait and see.
There he shall forever be!

P.S.:Why is the rhythm a little bumpy? What makes it bumpy? How do you know? Please, I really want to understand poetry better - understand the making of it.

[Mortdefides]

If I break it down, that's what I get:

First stanza ( / unstressed syllable, - stressed syllable):

/ - / - - / - - / -
The God a-bove me, does he e-ven know
/ - / - - / - - / -
How wild the heart beats be-tween flesh and soul?
/ - / - / - / - / -
Has he, The Lord Divine, our world observ’d?
/ - / - / / - / - / - -
Has he, The Knowing and Wise, him-self ev-er nerv’d
/ - / - / / - / -
A-mongst his issues on earth to stride
/ - / - / - / -
With-out his ev-er-last-ing pride.

Is that correct? Or am I making mistakes when choosing which syllable is stressed and which is not?

[adityasam]

Well I am zero in all that syllables and all, but it is an excellent piece. Before I read this, I thought I knew so much about god, but now I am doubting myself, some of the questions were just thought provoking even for the priests.......Man, there is something in you....You'll go a long long way! Don't worry too much, all those above me who have commented on your poetry are pundits and if they say, it's good, then not even god would defy! I am waiting for another pundit (hillwalker) to comment.

[hillwalker]

To create poetry that flows as naturally as normal speech is one of the difficulties we all face, more so if writing in a language that is not our mother tongue.

I would place the stresses as so (I have used your method - but usually / is used for a stressed syllable and - for unstressed):

/ - / - / - / - / -
The God above me, does he even know
/ - / - - / / - / -
How wild the heart beats between flesh and soul?
/ - / - / - / - / -
Has he, The Lord Divine, our world observ’d?
/ - / - / - / - / -
Has he, The Knowing and Wise, himself ever nerv’d
['Knowing' and 'ever' have to be read as mono-syllables here to aid the rhythm in what is the 'bumpiest' line of the lot]
/ - / - / / - / -
Amongst his issues on earth to stride
/ - / - / - / -
Without his ever-lasting pride.

Overall a very worthy effort.....

H

[Mortdefides]

I've just made a fast comparison and I find it all very intriguing. So what you say is that stressed and unstressed syllables (words) can vary according to whatever the poet needs. So if I need "The God Above" to be of two iambs I just read it that way and place the stress on the words I want - GOD and the second syllable of ABOVE. On the other hand if I need it to be two trochees (e.g.), I simply alter the way I read it and put the stress on THE and the first syllable of ABOVE. Is that it? But how can the reader make his way through the poem if he's never read poetry before. It'd be a disaster!

Well, sometimes tis quite obvious (saying THE god will alter the meaning), but some other times it can be quite confusing. I'll investigate more tomorrow (it's 00:00 here) and share more poems if I feel like it. Thanks a lot, I hope you'll answer my additional questions too.

[hillwalker]

Not quite - 'The God Above' would never be read as two trochees. If you wrote a line where you expected the stresses of 'The God Above to be read as trochees it would be unnatural and as you say, confusing for the reader.

- but in your second line, for example you have

/ - / - - / - - / -
How wild the heart beats be-tween flesh and soul?

but I have

/ - / - - / / - / -
How wild the heart beats between flesh and soul?

why?

- 'between' can be read as either 2 unstressed syllables (my interpretation - more natural in spoken English) or as an iamb (your interpretation - which then creates an awkward step to the next word 'flesh' which is also stressed) - if you read it out loud you might find my version has a smoother flow.

The only other difference is line 4,

your reading

/ - / - / / - / - / - -
Has he, The Knowing and Wise, him-self ev-er nerv’d

would never be read like this - there are too many syllables in the line to begin with, but also it would normally be read as

/ - / - -/ - / - / / - which destroys the rhythm of the poem as a whole,

but if you take the liberty of reducing 'knowing' and 'ever' to monosyllables (some classic poets would often cheat and even write 'ever' as 'e'er' for example) you can get away with my interpretation

/ - / - / - / - / -
Has he, The Knowing and Wise, himself ever nerv’d

which maintains the metre perfectly.

Of course, to avoid such ambiguity, you should choose your words more carefully so the rhythm does not require such tampering. In my experience it always pays to read your poem out loud to check whether it sounds right.

Good luck,

H

[Mortdefides]

Thanks a million, I'd be extremely grateful if you could leave a comment for this poem: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=943786#post943786 I just wrote it, don't wanna sleep :). I've done the breaking-down again, it's all explained, you'll see.

[lallison]

Superb. No joke, absolutely fabulous. Very, very poignant. Thanks!

[angliholic]

My friend,
it's a great piece!
You can rest assured!

[Mortdefides]

Thank you all, the inner struggle never fails to urge me into poetry. There'll be more, rest assured :D

[Bar22do]

Quite an achievement, though due to my total ignorance of the rules I can't analyse your poem technically. But my genuine feeling tells me - go ahead, and let your verse slide the currents of your intuition regarding what you thus need to express... Bar

[Mortdefides]

Thanks, I'll try ;)