Time, Peace

[dafydd manton]

Time, Peace


I'm going to throw something at that clock.
You only just arrived, and the hands
Started racing.
Tick tick tick
In Time with my heart.
It was lovely meeting you at last,
Sharing lunch,
The Park.
(That swan made you giggle.)
A cup of coffee in Betty's.
And I got to look in to your eyes.
Beautiful, warm, hazel eyes,
And that clock
Kept on, too fast.
All too soon, and they call your flight.
Our eyes are moist now, but happy.
Then, for the first time, you touch me.
You hold me close,
Hug me,
And would you believe it?
The clock stands still.

[Delta40]

where is my hanky? oh! it's on top of my head. that was so romantic Dafydd. almost makes me want to lower my flexed muscle so I can wipe my nose with my arm. ((((bearhug from a feminist))))

[dafydd manton]

Thanks, Delta. Mind you, with those biceps - phew!

I 'as me moments!

[Hawkman]

Nice one Dafydd.

[dafydd manton]

Cheers, Hawk. Any suggestions? I like the sentiment, but it feels ragged. The old grey matter can't work out why.

[Hawkman]

Its because of the line breaks, Dafydd. all those single word lines. I can understand you wanting to do it but they do stop the poem from flowing. I would also change you only just got here to:

"You've only just arrived
and already the hands are racing,
tick
toc
in time with my heart
both are running faster
than they should.
The park, sharing lunch
(the swan that made you giggle)"

See what I mean? if you revise it and even out the line breaks and check for the rhythms of the words it will improve a good poem into a great one.

Best, H

[Bar22do]

I love and commend the courageous simplicity of the theme! I also like the single word lines, as they tick tack with the enervating clock.
I wouldn't throw anything on that watch - it doesn't go with the delicateness of the poem and is an overstatement (understood without).
I thank you for this sweet moment, one we all experience in life and seldom dare to describe, afraid as we are of showing sentimentality...
Best to you - Bar

[Maryd.]

A Honey-hug to you my good sir... Trying terribly to hold back the tears. You are too precious, sir.

[dafydd manton]

Bar, Hawk, I always value your help and input. Thanks both very much - I owe you one!

Mary - would you like to borrow my fine, Nottingham lace hanky, the one I keep up my sleeve just for you? Thank you for that.

[Maryd.]

Holds hand out...

Will never say no, to a special hanky.

[Hawkman]

Just one thing Dafydd,

you say the hands are racing but then you go to
tick
tock

which kind of implies slow ticking. You might want to think about an alternative. Just a thought, H

[dafydd manton]

Egad, you think of everything! I shall address the problem toot der sweet, Sir. Good point!

[dafydd manton]

Holds hand out...

Will never say no, to a special hanky.

And, being every inch the English (ish) gentleman, I shan't even ask you to launder it before giving it back. I'm sure one of the maids will cope.....!

[Bar22do]

Oh, Hawk, have your ears forgotten their path to the heart? the "tick-tock", in certain situations, may be so unacceptably fast...!

[dafydd manton]

It's these big, expensive Grandfather clocks he has in Hawkman Twers, the huge neo-gothic mansion overlooking the Tamar. It takes his butler 3 hours just to wind them up, and when they chime, it's deafening!

[Hawkman]

Oh, Hawk, have your ears forgotten their path to the heart? the "tick-tock", in certain situations, may be so unacceptably fast...!

Oh Sweet Bar,

My memory is not what it was, but I do remember the racing beat of passion's tattoo! But 'tick, tock' is linguistically inappropriate to describe it!


It's these big, expensive Grandfather clocks he has in Hawkman Twers, the huge neo-gothic mansion overlooking the Tamar. It takes his butler 3 hours just to wind them up, and when they chime, it's deafening!

I haven't seen the butler for years, He went off to wind it in 1996 and I haven't seen him since. I thought it had been a bit quiet lately but I just thought I was going deaf! Speak up, that man, don't mumble! :D

Best to you both, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have just the one quibble: In the line


"All too soon, and they called your flight"
consider changing "called" to call to anticipate and be consistent with your switch from the earlier past tense to the present throughout the rest of this.

It's a lovely poem and vividly conveys the moment.

[hillwalker]

Majestic, daf.... and no one has yet commented on the clever title so I will.

H

[dafydd manton]

You are, Sir, a gentleman and a scholar....but you have the advantage of being a Cymro!

My Prince, as ever you noticed the minutae - thanks so much, it did seem illogical!

[neilgee]

I love the ending, that last line has real punch!

[dafydd manton]

Thank 'ee young master. (Thanks to all those other people who helped, encouraged, made suggestions or were just supportive. Ta!)

[neilgee]

The build up was very good too, it had to be to make the punch line work, but I do admire a pay off line that works. Cheers.

[Jerrybaldy]

What's this Daffy? Love poetry? Affairs of the heart? Matron, matron, Daffy had gone all Shelley.
seriously Daf, very good. The clock tick tocked or ticked ticked quickly whilst reading.

[dafydd manton]

Just so long as I don't go Byron! By the way, his house, Newstead Abbey was on Bus Route No. 63 (Nottingham to Chesterfield via Mansfield), fare stage 41. Just thought you'd like to know.

[Delta40]

I think you balance yourself well between clocks, love and decrepit vehicles

[dafydd manton]

Story of my life! Every time I fall in love, I fall off a bus! You could almost set your watch by it.

[Delta40]

when I am in love, its like getting hit by a bus. when they leave, I got nothing but tyre tracks to show for me pains...

[dafydd manton]

There's no real answer to that! Well, not without being vulgar, anyway!