What Have I Done

[kittypaws]

The image burned into my mind
Even when I shut my eyes
The grotesque vision haunts me
The blood stained walls
The fight, the fall
You lying there
Life pouring onto the floor
Colored in red
You eyes glimmer no more
What have I done
In a fit of rage
Now you are gone
Snuffed out like a flame
The knife falls from my hand
My mind gone insane
You should have not
And I shouldn’t had
It happened so quick
One moment bliss
Then licky-split
The tide changed and swelled
Roaring onto the land
And with one deadly strike
You are gone
I am gone as well
My mind can not handle
The vision that is impaled
Life was never meant
To be this short.

amanda curtis/Kittypaws

[dafydd manton]

Whilst it is an ugly scene, it's a lovely read. Very, very vivid, and you can feel the emotion - the anger then the remorse. I particularly liked those two lines "The tide changed and swelled, Roaring on to the land". It's a lovely piece of work.. Thanks for letting us share it.

[kittypaws]

Thank you dafydd. Of course this is not a real life happening - thank the stars and it is strange how it was birthed. I had stared out the window into the bright light of the day and then shut my eyes and I could still see the window, the shade and the light and for some reason this came over me. funny sometimes how the mind works.

kitty

[dafydd manton]

It is odd, isn't it! I'm very pleased to hear that it wasn't personal experience - I was about to call the gentlemen in blue!! Keep writing - I really like your stuff.

[snowdrop17]

What a vivid description of a horrible experience! Thank God it was not real. I really liked these lines -
" It happened so quick
One moment bliss
Then licky-split
The tide changed and swelled
Roaring onto the land
And with one deadly strike
You are gone
I am gone as well"

Well done!

[kittypaws]

thank you Snowdrop!
Your read and comment is greatly appreciated.

Kittypaws

[PrinceMyshkin]

Because I was so gripped by the vividness of this, I would urge you to reconsider the final two lines. Surely it isn't the brevity of life that would most be on the persona's mind but that it could end in such a bloody way?

[kittypaws]

thank you Prince.....I may need some help with this.

What do you think of this.


My mind can not handle
The vision that is impaled
Your life was never meant
To be this short.

and especially taken by my hand.
dropping to my knees
I cling your lifeless body
my life stained with your blood.

I don't know....still doesn't feel right. suggestiions?

[PrinceMyshkin]

thank you Prince.....I may need some help with this.

What do you think of this.



and especially taken by my hand.
dropping to my knees
I cling your lifeless body
my life stained with your blood.

I don't know....still doesn't feel right. suggestiions?

Should be "I cling to your lifeless..."

It might not be the perfect ending: I suspect you might mull it over for some time, but it's a whole lot better than what you had before.

[dafydd manton]

Sorry to rain on your parade, Prince, and as you know I respect your work immensely, but I rather liked the slight awkwardness, or cynicism of the original last two lines. It sort of shows the illogicality of the whole scenario. And no melodrama. (Just mine own opinion - and worth every penny you paid for it.)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Sorry to rain on your parade, Prince, and as you know I respect your work immensely, but I rather liked the slight awkwardness, or cynicism of the original last two lines. It sort of shows the illogicality of the whole scenario. And no melodrama. (Just mine own opinion - and worth every penny you paid for it.)

It's not so much that you rained on my parade as that you pissed all over Kittypaws' attempt to replace that very anti-climactic ending to her poem. "No melodrama," you say: the woman has just stabbed her lover to death, his blood gushing all over the place... What would constitute "melodrama" in your books? Goldilocks decapitating the three bears?

[dafydd manton]

Sorry, didn't express myself very well there. The whole thing is very dramatic, I agree, and perhaps I should keep me big mouth shut! I still think it's a fabulous poem, so if I've uspet Kitty - and I hope I haven't - I can only apologise for the opinion.

[kittypaws]

Hmmmmm....

This should be interesting!

I'm going to finish my yard work and think about this.

Thank you for your input...I'll be back!


Kitty

[PrinceMyshkin]

Sorry, didn't express myself very well there. The whole thing is very dramatic, I agree, and perhaps I should keep me big mouth shut! I still think it's a fabulous poem, so if I've uspet Kitty - and I hope I haven't - I can only apologise for the opinion.

I doubt you uspet Kitty, unless she's a demon about misspelling things!

[dafydd manton]

I have alwais hadd a problim with speling.

[Delta40]

I like it in its entirety. I mean, doing the deed, standing in front of the horror I just committed, I would probably coin some cheesy wisdom about life being too short - a normal thought which makes the act look all the more unreasonable.

[Jerrybaldy]

I think the killers mind is wide open to speculation unless we try
JB

[kittypaws]

OK...I got the ending and I am comfortable with this....and i made some other adjustments. Not knowing how to do this I will just post the whole thing again and if someone wants to educate me on the proper way it would be appreciated.



What Have I Done

The image burned into my mind
Even when I shut my eyes
The grotesque vision haunts me
The blood stained walls
The fight, the fall
You lying there
Life pouring onto the floor
Colored in red
You eyes glimmer no more
What have I done
In a fit of rage
Now you are gone
Snuffed out like a flame
The knife falls from my hand
My mind gone insane
You should have not
And I shouldn’t had
It happened so quick
One moment bliss
Then licky-split
The tide changed and swelled
Roaring onto the land
And with one deadly strike
I took your life
I'm gone as well
My mind can not handle
The vision that is impaled
Life was never meant
To be this short
Especially taken by my hand
I am tainted, howling in pain
Dropping to my knees
My weapon I find
And with one swift swipe
I take MY life.


amandac/Kittypaws

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Kitty
You can edit the original by hitting the edit poem at the bottom of your original poem, then make the changes.

[hillwalker]

Imaginative writing - brutal and, as you say, something from the subconscious that just had to be heard.

H

[lacadalet_]

to be afraid of yourself.. sad fear