Soulsearching (VERY short story)

[qnnplmr]

My third excursion into the world of flash fiction :) Critiques and comments are greatly appreciated! Note: I think I made some tense errors in the first para, can anybody confirm or deny that for me?


Soulsearching

Buying a soul is a tricky business; many are on the market, but most saddeningly cheap. The price tags range from jobs to drugs to sex to money. All of them had been sitting out for too long, and putrefaction had set in. He wandered through the stalls. The selling points seemed to be based on who had fewer maggots in their souls, whose flaws were most tolerable. The men and women were sad enough, but the children brought tears to his eyes. Video games, a cell phone, a bag of Doritos: the prices were staggeringly low.

As he wandered through the marketplace, something caught his eye. It wasn't shiny, it wasn't fancy or gold-leafed, but it was complete. It was whole, it was understated and simple. He looked at the price tag, dreading what he would find. On the bottom, in simple handwriting was a simple word - Love. A smile sprung to his lips. He looked up at the woman standing behind it. "I'll take it."

[adityasam]

Oof , what a beautiful first line, you roped me in. Try to keep it simple, I suggest you change that most saddeningly to simple word "sadly". I must say that this wasn't as good as your second one!

Regards

[hillwalker]

For such a short piece this is extremely good. Perhaps the imagery of 'putrefaction' and 'maggots' could be replaced by something less harrowing but conveying the same sense of decay (which in the case of one's soul should perhaps lean towards the moral rather than the physical) - something like 'discolouration' and 'flaws'.

Also, to make the piece more intense you might think about rewriting it in the first person - so you are the buyer??? just a thought.

H

[Steven Hunley]

The first line is in present tense, the rest in past.You can change the first to past by using was instead of is,were instead of are,ranged instead of range. Or you could just separate the first line from the rest. That's what I'd do, and make it a kind of intro. Getting the most out of a very few words is what it's all about sometimes and this piece does it nicely. You might want to reconsider your adjectives as Hillwalker suggested.