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qnnplmr
08-18-2010, 07:49 PM
My second short story. Some comments I have gotten before complained of the lack of description of what actually was in his basement, but that is on purpose as AI want you, the reader, to imagine your own worst nightmare :)


What Lies Beneath

There was something strange going on in Michael Johnson's basement. He couldn't tell you what; he had never dared to venture down those dark stairs or even to open the solid oak door. All he knew was that the day that door opened would be the day that he died. Occasionally he would find himself sleepwalking; awoken by the cold touch of the brass doorknob in his hand. It was nights like that when the thing that lived in his basement had a palpable presence in his mind. He could feel it whispering lies and temptations into his subconscious, saying anything to get him to open that door and let it feast.

And then, on a seemingly peaceful Friday evening, things took a turn for the worse. The quiet whispers started growing louder, their subtle temptations turning into rage-fueled demands. Michael could no longer sleep more than an hour or two at a time before the peace was shattered by a disembodied voice screaming into his ear. As sleep deserted him, his sanity slowly followed suit. He never left the house any more. His hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically, and he had gotten a nervous twitch in one of his legs.

Finally, on the day that Michael Johnson died, he rolled out of bed after another sleepless night. He limped over to the counter and tried to pour cereal out into a bowl, his clenching hands making this task much more difficult than the norm. He heard a whisper again. Not a yell any more, just a single, nearly imperceptible command repeated over and over again with increasing speed until it was a single noise. Open the door. Tens, hundreds, thousands of times. His mind was filled with that single thought. Open the door. Michael staggered over to the solid oak door. He rested his tortured hand on the cold brass doorknob. He turned the doorknob slowly. As the doorknob reached the limit of its rotation, there was a small click as the locking mechanism slid back from the doorframe and into the door. Time stopped for a moment. Then with a single, resounding CRASH the door was blown off its hinges, sending the unfortunate Michael flying across the room. As his life slowly flickered out, he felt something of unimaginable strength grasp his leg and pull him towards the basement. When he crossed the threshold of the door, he knew no more.

adityasam
08-19-2010, 04:14 AM
First of all, I must appreciate your ideas, very vivid ones and I liked this one. The start was very nice but not outstanding.


Then, suddenly, something changed

In contrast to the way you have described Michael's death, this sentence is as dreadful as it could be. You could use something like, "But one day...." or "One fine day" or "On the fateful night of 24th March" or anything like that but that sentence has to be changed. The third Para was good but not excellent, in this part you have described the scene very well, unlike the second para.

On the whole, the story was magnifique, the language is lucid except for the ones pointed above. Keep it up!

Regards!

qnnplmr
08-19-2010, 08:29 AM
First of all, I must appreciate your ideas, very vivid ones and I liked this one. The start was very nice but not outstanding.



In contrast to the way you have described Michael's death, this sentence is as dreadful as it could be. You could use something like, "But one day...." or "One fine day" or "On the fateful night of 24th March" or anything like that but that sentence has to be changed. The third Para was good but not excellent, in this part you have described the scene very well, unlike the second para.

On the whole, the story was magnifique, the language is lucid except for the ones pointed above. Keep it up!

Regards!

thank you so much for the feedback! I changed that one sentence, do you like the modification? Also, is there anything besides that that you really think I should change?

And, #3 is up at http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=940887#post940887 :)

adityasam
08-19-2010, 08:46 AM
"Turn for the worse...." to "bad turn".....Sometimes being simple is the best!

Regards

hillwalker
08-19-2010, 09:19 AM
You do a fine job of building up the tension - and personally I don't have a problem with 'a turn for the worse'..... but we all respond differently.

The only weak point for me was where you describe him limping to the counter and pouring cereal in his bowl. Since there has been no previous reference to his daily routine it seems a strange place to introduce it. I can see you are trying to delay the inevitable, and demonstrate Michael's nervous state, but I think there must be a better way than this.

But overall a well-written piece that begs to be expanded.