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Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 04:40 PM
He left for work at 7.30 sharp
Black suit, crisp white shirt, tight blue tie,
As he drove away he waved to the kids,
sleepy heads poked between bedroom curtains.
His wife curled into a ball in the bed
still wet in ravaged sheets.
He drove to the beach,
walked its length barefoot.
Then sat in a deckchair, suit trousers rolled up
licking an ice cream, dripping vanilla.
He poured vinegar on cockles, bought a beach ball
kicked it, chased it, kicked it back.
Argued loudly with the man with the tan,
who said he was too big for his donkey.
When the sun was high, he stripped
and ran into the sea laughing as his manhood
slapped his thighs.
He returned to his crumpled suit and booked a hotel.
In the bar he cradled a cold beer
dipping his nose in the froth
to put a smile on the kid with the packet of crisps.
He walked in the casino at 10.08
put five hundred pounds on black
and walked out with a smile at 10.09.
With the twenty note he had left
He bought a bottle of Jack
and sat beneath the pier and wept.
When Jack was gone, he swam again
frigid and naked, squinting,
to turn the two moons into one.
He built a sandcastle on the dark beach
for two hours, stood, trampled it
and returned to his hotel.
He awoke in the bath in the morning
skin so cold and shrivelled,
it hurt more than his head.
On arrival home the next day
he confirmed his business trip had gone well.
He packed that night
through the screams of his wife
and left for good at 7.30 sharp.
The children waving goodbye,
heads poked between bedroom curtains.

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 04:42 PM
I hope the ratbag rots!!! That is one nasty piece of work you've invented there!!

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 04:46 PM
Give the bloke a break Daffy. The background is left unsaid. I was starting to like him ;)

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 04:49 PM
Probably jealousy!! Nah, sorry, mate, hate cheats!! I hope next time he goes skinny-dipping it freezes off!

PrinceMyshkin
08-18-2010, 05:16 PM
"his business trip had went well." should be had gone well.

What an amazingly gripping story! Yes of course there's tons left out, just as there may be even in the mind of your protagonist. I think the way you present it ought to keep us from passing moral judgment on him. And the details - even the seemingly most irrelevant of them: such that his ice-cream was vanilla - all add to the richness of the story. Bravo!

Haunted
08-18-2010, 05:31 PM
Deep and heart wrenching. Your nonchalant delivery and blow by blow details make it even more tragic. I'm officially your fan.

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 05:32 PM
Shall we start a Fan Club? I'll definitely volunteer!!

Delta40
08-18-2010, 05:32 PM
I think in what you have written, we have been bashed with the mighty unsaid. very vivid

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 05:35 PM
Thank you Prince. Have changed the grammar and I am very happy you found it gripping. You are perceptive as always, I wanted to stop judgement, as with scant details we can all judge too much but with none given we can take as read.
cheers
Jerry

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 05:37 PM
So I'm a grumpy old ***!

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 05:40 PM
Daffy. Did he cheat ??
Haunted . that would be mutual then.
Daffy. Im not having you as a fan. 'Matron, matron, tell him he can't be a fan'.
Delta. I wrote in the 'unsaid' at times but happily hit delete. thank you.

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 05:43 PM
I didn't mean cheat as in a sexual indiscretion, I just meant that he was telling porkies to his family, and I'm STILL going to be a grumpy old ***! So There! (Absconds with Matron, having embezzled funds from fan-club of £1.27p)

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 05:53 PM
One bloody pound twenty seven bloody pence. White lies keep the world a spinning Daffy or else you would have to say yes your arse does look big in that and all kinds of hell would ensue.
jerry

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 05:59 PM
Dear Sir, you will be hearing from my solictors, Messrs Lye, Grabbit and Runne in the Morning. Mnk!

Yours etcetera

Seriously, mate after all this clowning which detracts from your work, it is a belting poem, and very well crafted. If it wasn't I wouldn't hve found myself so emotionally involved in it. I love your innate ability to look sideways at the world.

All respect
D

Delta40
08-18-2010, 05:59 PM
oh you two. admit your feelings and have a relationship will you!!!! :-)

hillwalker
08-18-2010, 06:05 PM
One of your better ones Jerry, simple but hardly sweet. And I like the blanks you left the reader to fill in....

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 06:08 PM
Delta
If I had to have a relationship I would prefer one who paddles in tonnes of unrecognizable shell grit to a mad welshman who nicks my funds ;)

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 06:10 PM
oh you two. admit your feelings and have a relationship will you!!!! :-)

I would, but gentlemen prefer blondes! :thumbsup:

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 06:11 PM
Hill. One of my better ones. Oh the insecurity :D. Thank you. I set out with nothing to say and probably ended the same way but the scenery was fun.
best wishes
Jerry

Delta40
08-18-2010, 06:12 PM
:ladysman:

so this is what you both be eh?

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 06:16 PM
I now have this poem going hot on the back of homoerotic suggestions of me and Mr Daf. Oh well, its gone red anyway. Please somebody interject and say it was crap or good or medoicre :P

hillwalker
08-18-2010, 06:18 PM
I have no wish to be part of a menagerie a trois so I shall have to leave you pair to it

Delta40
08-18-2010, 06:25 PM
:thumbsup:

You're a great poet and this is a great poem

dafydd manton
08-18-2010, 06:33 PM
Happy, now? I did, actually Post #14, but you were so busy drooling over Matron......

Jerrybaldy
08-18-2010, 07:40 PM
Matron told me you are trouble and Im inclined to believe her as she wears a uniform.

Hawkman
08-18-2010, 07:42 PM
So did Britsh Rail Porters, but you couldn't beleive them when they told you, you were on the right train (if you could actually find one to ask, that is.)